"Please be gentle, eh? This is Princess Rinko's part time job. How do you do. This is Princess Rinko. The joys of Sega Ages 2500 are coming to everyone of Earth from the Sega Joy Star. The Sega Joy Star is a shining star where the spirit of everybody's spirit of enjoyment of games gathers. From now on, I will be supporting Sega Ages 2500!"



So, here's what you have to buy in order to get to smell the lovely Rinko's finger.

SPACE HARRIER 2 COMPLETE COLLECTION
Every console version of Space Harrier 2 ever made, emulated down to the last frameskip, even the ones that ran at 3 frames a second and gave you brain cancer. We'd make a nasty comment on that, but we had the Amstrad version of Space Harrier that was in wireframe 3D and we know what suffering really is.

SEGA SYSTEM 16 COLLECTION
Two games on this one. The first is SDI, the lovely little Reaganite trackerball-based shooter refangled for the Playstation mouse. The second is Quartet, everyone's favourite game that was unspeakably shit but everyone played it because A) It was a Sega game and the lovely, chimey, upbeat music and primary colours got you high and B) It was a one of the only squad based games available in 1986 (and frankly a root canal operation was preferable to playing Gauntlet again).

LAST BRONX
Hooray! The Saturn is back! That's a good thing! Isn't it!? Isn't it? Oh god. Someone tell us what to say.

SEGA MEMORIAL SELECTION
Head On, Tranquiliser Gun, Congo Bongo, Borderline and Doki Doki Penguin Land. Perhaps some kind of sick joke? It'll be that Sega bullfighting simulator from 1984 next.

GUNSTAR HEROES!
Gunstar Heroes!

ADVANCED WORLD WAR
Gunstar Heroes!

GALAXY FORCE 2
Neat old shooter using the Space Harrier / Afterburner engine. Nothing spiteful or cynical to say about this; after all, Gunstar Heroes!

PANZER DRAGOON
We've seen a trailer of this we downloaded off the internet, and it looked as horrible as the Saturn original. We saw it running at TGS, and it looked the same. Perhaps it's a cruel punishment that Sega has been instructed to inflict on the Japanese for only buying fourteen X Boxes. *CHECKS FAMITSU* Oh, wait. Thirteen. One of them broke.

DYNAMITE DEKA
The best thing about Dynamite Deka (aka Die Hard Arcade) is that it got slammed by the mainstream press on incisive and well thought-out grounds such a "WHAT THE HELL? THIS GAME HAS INFINITE CONTINUES! I FINISHED IT ON MY FIRST TRY!" As such, every single well-played game of DD that you perpetrate is a direct smack in the teeth to EVERY ONE OF THE TRAITORS WHO MURDERED SEGA. With a big plank. With splinters in it. That's been on the floor and everything.