UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
From Dennis Norden's file marked "miscellaneous" we bring you a selection of the emails we've got over the last few weeks.

A GREAT PIECE ABOUT MODERN GAME DESIGN:
"Gazunta" writes:
I wrote this on my site, www.gazunta.com, thought it was a bit UK:R-like. So here it is in easy email form. Maybe if you like it you can put a bit of it on your website and then link to mine so I can become a CELEBRITY GAME DESIGNER!!

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE ON HOW TO BE A GOOD MODERN DAY GAME DESIGNER:

1. Come up with a "vision". Take yourself outside with a notepad and think. Think for a long time. Think long, deep, meaningful thoughts. Think about the synergy between the player and the controller. Think about the Pavolvian connections between cause and effect in a dynamic 3D space. Think about what it would really feel like to be a table, or a tree, or a bridge. Write these thoughts down in your notepad. You are special because you have deep and meaningful thoughts and nobody else does.

2. Think about how many times in a minute you want to press a button. Don't worry about what it is exactly the game is about yet. Instead, draw a controller and devise a complex system of commands the player can issue. MAKE SURE YOU USE EVERY BUTTON. Games that don't use every button are not next-gen titles!

3. Don't play video games. God no. They might corrupt your pure, untainted, dynamic vision. Instead, read Game Developer magazine and promise yourself that you will never make the design mistakes other people did with their games...whatever they were about.

4. When designing the main character, don't worry about petty things like a list of abilities they have that can be used in the game. You're better off worrying about what clothes they are wearing, and what the colours on his shirt are saying about the character's mass market appeal. Spend a week having intense discussions with anyone nearby about the character's motivation. Should he want to rescue the princess, or would there be a more interestic dramatic tension if he felt forced to by socio-political pressures?

5. Enemies should not be given old-fashioned things like "attacks" or "movement patterns". The modern day game designer should think of the enemy's feelings, and draw up a complex list of rules and by-laws that govern its movement. For example: If the Mayor of Metro City bursts into the enemy's train station, the enemy should try and reach a mutually acceptable compromise about the tresspass. Unless the enemy is feeling tired because they stayed up too late the night before, or there is a problem at home. In fact, since many enemies have a troubled home life, they should try and start an open discourse with the Mayor instead of resorting to barbaric acts of violence with the nearby metal pipe. Next Generation Gaming, right here, right now!

6. When asked to describe the game, use as many big words as you can think of. This will make you sound smart, and show the world that you are the next Will Wright, which is the thought that secretly makes you touch yourself at night.


A RESPONSE TO THE "PECKHAM" UPDATE:
"James Hunt" writes:
Here comes the Infoblast, get ready with your video recorders!



Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality foodstores.

http://www.smithfieldfoods.com/Brands/See/animex.asp

My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what 'in natural juices' means, or how much actual pork is in it.


RUSSIAN SEGA-ADORNED BODYBUILDING CHILD:
"ALEX MARTYNOV" writes:
Hello ukresistance,

See attached pic!

Best regards,
ALEX




A GREAT IMAGE FOR A PSP "BATTERY JOKE":
"Michael Staiger" writes:
OK, so this is a response to the PSP battery thing which is 7 months old but I'm sure you'll find a use for these pics of a colossal air/water separation column (apparently) on its way to Ellesmere Port bound for Qatar.





SOMETHING ABOUT WORMS CONDOMS WE'VE POSSIBLY DONE BEFORE:
"Omar Cornut" writes:
Better protect your worm!

Sega's being our best caring friend, they're making promotional condoms. For us to wank playing Sakura Taisen, with zero-risk of self-contamination.

The condom package says "Better protect your worm" in french:



Picture stolen from: http://www.the-blue-room.info/archives/44

OTHER COOL STUFF THEY HAVE PHOTOS OF ON THAT SITE:
  • A Dreamcast CLOTHES BRUSH!
  • Sonic Heroes SWEETS!!
  • A Dreamcast MIRROR!!!
  • A weird Sonic made out of A CARDBOARD BOX :(
  • SO THAT ROUNDS THAT UP THEN
    Wasn't that nice? Thanks everyone. If we ever get round to making promotional mugs you all get 10p off orders of 20 or more, for your efforts. Cheers, ironic newshounds!

    *If you've emailed us something we haven't used here, that's because (a) it was rubbish, or (b) we're saving it so we can take all the credit next week.

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