I wrote this on my site, www.gazunta.com, thought it was a bit UK:R-like. So here it is in easy email form. Maybe if you like it you can put a bit of it on your website and then link to mine so I can become a CELEBRITY GAME DESIGNER!!
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE ON HOW TO BE A GOOD MODERN DAY GAME DESIGNER:
1. Come up with a "vision". Take yourself outside with a notepad and think. Think for a long time. Think long, deep, meaningful thoughts. Think about the synergy between the player and the controller. Think about the Pavolvian connections between cause and effect in a dynamic 3D space. Think about what it would really feel like to be a table, or a tree, or a bridge. Write these thoughts down in your notepad. You are special because you have deep and meaningful thoughts and nobody else does.
2. Think about how many times in a minute you want to press a button. Don't worry about what it is exactly the game is about yet. Instead, draw a controller and devise a complex system of commands the player can issue. MAKE SURE YOU USE EVERY BUTTON. Games that don't use every button are not next-gen titles!
3. Don't play video games. God no. They might corrupt your pure, untainted, dynamic vision. Instead, read Game Developer magazine and promise yourself that you will never make the design mistakes other people did with their games...whatever they were about.
4. When designing the main character, don't worry about petty things like a list of abilities they have that can be used in the game. You're better off worrying about what clothes they are wearing, and what the colours on his shirt are saying about the character's mass market appeal. Spend a week having intense discussions with anyone nearby about the character's motivation. Should he want to rescue the princess, or would there be a more interestic dramatic tension if he felt forced to by socio-political pressures?
5. Enemies should not be given old-fashioned things like "attacks" or "movement patterns". The modern day game designer should think of the enemy's feelings, and draw up a complex list of rules and by-laws that govern its movement. For example: If the Mayor of Metro City bursts into the enemy's train station, the enemy should try and reach a mutually acceptable compromise about the tresspass. Unless the enemy is feeling tired because they stayed up too late the night before, or there is a problem at home. In fact, since many enemies have a troubled home life, they should try and start an open discourse with the Mayor instead of resorting to barbaric acts of violence with the nearby metal pipe. Next Generation Gaming, right here, right now!
6. When asked to describe the game, use as many big words as you can think of. This will make you sound smart, and show the world that you are the next Will Wright, which is the thought that secretly makes you touch yourself at night.
Here comes the Infoblast, get ready with your video recorders!
Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality foodstores.
My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what 'in natural juices' means, or how much actual pork is in it.
See attached pic!
OK, so this is a response to the PSP battery thing which is 7 months old but I'm sure you'll find a use for these pics of a colossal air/water separation column (apparently) on its way to Ellesmere Port bound for Qatar.
Better protect your worm!SO THAT ROUNDS THAT UP THEN
Sega's being our best caring friend, they're making promotional condoms. For us to wank playing Sakura Taisen, with zero-risk of self-contamination.
The condom package says "Better protect your worm" in french:
Picture stolen from: http://www.the-blue-room.info/archives/44
OTHER COOL STUFF THEY HAVE PHOTOS OF ON THAT SITE:
A Dreamcast CLOTHES BRUSH! Sonic Heroes SWEETS!! A Dreamcast MIRROR!!! A weird Sonic made out of A CARDBOARD BOX :(
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary.
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.