We're really against pornography and the objectification of women, ESPECIALLY when they're served up naked on Sony's PSP UMD format so we can wank over them in the airing cupboard. It gets us angry just thinking about sexy women parading around naked for our pleasure! Curse this sexist, male-dominated industry :(
However, we feel it's our duty to report on the UK's first PSP porn UMD "Desperately Sexy Housewives". Let's hope no women get degraded in it. That would be terrible.
It arrived in discrete plain brown wrapping. This is good, because it means the only woman we ever speak to from the flat next door still doesn't suspect we spend all day in the house alone watching porn.
The bad news: it's certificate 18 UK porn. If you know anything about porn (duh!) you'll know that certificate 18 UK porn isn't very good. Especially not when you've had proper internet porn for a decade.
Is there a typo on the back of the box? Of course there's a typo on the back of the box! Everything from small, independent companies always has typos on the back of the box, because there's never enough people working at them who know about English to check stuff properly.
"This is the erotic tale of four sexy housewives whose coffee mornings turn into torrid swinging sessions as they indulge each other with their favourite sexual fantasies" it says -- WOW! We're going to have to plug in the PSP's mains adaptor, because it's going to be a fun evening.
We didn't know who Marilyn Starr was, so we looked her up. Now we're very familiar with her, and particularly familiar with her stretched-out and tatty old mimsy.
Ooh, yeah, Dave's great, and was the star of our all-time favourite porn movie -- Boy Scout Sleepover in Wookey Hole.
It's nice that even new porn made in 2005 stays true to porn heritage by presenting everything as if it's still 1974.
THE PLOT: First up is some kind of intro sequence where all the women "actresses" try to act like they haven't just smoked loads of crack backstage. Then they pretend to be gossiping women, like the real Desperate Housewives. Then they go and watch TV.
She's reaching for the remote control. Amazingly, this shot is as sexy as it gets.
There now follows a 35-minute sequence where the women try to work out which channel is the AV channel and then why there's no sound. It's a massive challenge to maintain an erection through this bit.
Then the women all start watching... PORNOGRAPHY!
Only it's rubbish certificate 18 UK porn, which means you don't get to see anything.
Look! This is all you get to see in British porn when a man gets a blow job. It's shit. She might have a Snickers in there and we'd never know.
And here's the back of her head from another angle. At this point our penis is as shrivelled and useless as an acorn that's been at the bottom of a swimming pool for 18 hours.
He seems to be enjoying himself, but that's because he can fucking SEE!
"Mr Worf! Deanna! Get back to your stations!"
Meanwhile, the housewives are watching all this and taking it very seriously. The sexual tension seems to be building up quite nicely in their lounge.
They get so hot watching Worf and the back of that woman's head that they all pair off and lez up. Underwater porn is never sexy.
Anyway, this carries on for ages more and you never get to see anything. It's rubbish, both in terms of plot and character development, and also the more important aspect of SEEING THINGS GO INTO OTHER THINGS. PSP porn has failed us. 1/10. COMPETITION
Win this un-soiled copy of Desperately Sexy Housewives for PSP! Email in
telling us your favourite sexual fantasy. The one we like best (the most disturbing one with the highest prostitute death count or the one with the most stuff going up Cream The Rabbit's arse) wins the PSP porn. If we get lots of good ones, we'll do an update called "READER'S SEXUAL FANTASIES". Anonymous, of course.
There is no cash alternative. The only alternative is if no one enters, in which case we keep it.