By guest reporter SW

Sonic Team boss and international grumpy person Yuji Naka has been the first high-level Sega executive to speak out against the studio mergers at Sega Sammy Holdings, complaining of the constant bong-smoking of new stablemates, the UGA team.

“When in the morning, a person must smoke hashish, it becomes a problem,” stated Naka. “Marijuana is one thing, but this ingestion method, the ‘shotgun bowl-bong’ is not helping the development process here.”

Naka made his comments following the unveiling of the team’s first co-operative work with UGA, I Would Die For You for the Nintendo DS. “It’s an embarrassment to us and makes us look like the American hippies of the 1970s. I have always said one thing about games; they should be cute and go really fast. But the hashish makes everything swirly and slow – the opposite of this!”


Contacted for comment today, Amusement Vision head Toshihiro Nagoshi was eager to play down the herbal rift developing at Sega HQ. “Naka-san just has low blood sugar and probably needs some bitter-tasting soy biscuits or something. I have shared my daily allowance of a huge bottle of whisky with him for several years now without any problems, but when he mixes it with the chillums and Silver Leaf pipes in his office, it’s bound to be a disaster.”

Indeed, Naka has been pictured with a very white face of late, stumbling towards the toilet, followed by several smirking UGA staffers chanting “Hey Naka! You calling Satomi on the big porcelain telephone again?” It thought that the constant baiting has been the principal cause of the ever-widening rift at the new studio. One unnamed source told UK:R, “The tricks UGA get up to are astonishing. They stop at nothing to make Sonic Team sick with cannabis. I have seen them loading joints really heavily at the end, and making Sonic Team light them, putting hydroponicly-grown skunk into Sonic Team bongs, but only smoking Jamaican brick weed in their own, the list is endless.”

It is believed that this is only the first stage in the corruption of Sonic Team by UGA, though rumours detailing Mexican mushroom binges, LSD and PCP have yet to be confirmed.