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This is from Alex and is amazing, as it clearly involved quite a lot of effort. It's a very pleasing IGN-style review. Well done, Alex. You're finally a WINNER at something!

The Godfather - The Game - The Review
By Randy Stankovicokowski

The Down Low

Of all the minority groups in the USA, perhaps the best-loved is the Italian. Sharp-suited, misogynistic and mono-browed, these greasy guys have always meant business. However, a shocking trend of recent games has seen the Italian race shunted over in favor of Black and Hispanic gangs. This is principally the fault of Rockstar North, who from their Scottsland base provide the top-grossing Grand Theft Auto games.

Thankfully, EA have seen fit to redress this balance by bringing us the Videogame adaptation of perhaps the best pictorial of the average Italian family to ever hit the celluloid: the Godfather Series. Scheduled for release in the fall of 2K6, this title is sure to sell like hot apple pies. Released on all the following formats - PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, PSP, Xbox, Xbox 360 and Nokia N-Gage, there's no way that any of you hardcore gamers will miss this game.

It Got Game!

You start off playing the role of Vito Corleone, famously played by Marvin Brando, before he got fat and died. Your primary role is to babble incomprehensibly at your sons to bring about the downfall of the other families, and scare small children with orange peels. You can also take control of Sonny and Michael Corleone, but not the other one because he was a bald weasel anyways.

The Sonny Missions

As mentioned above, Sonny is a playable character. I don't know about you guys, but I was real bummed out when Sonny was gunned down by those rival wops at the toll booth. Well this game allows you to change the story by letting you shoot your way out of it! You can then continue to play the whole game as Sonny. The most notable difference of the Sonny missions is that you have James Can's distinctive curly hair, and you walk like a wise guy! All the NPCS (non people characters) actually call you Sonny too!

The Michael Missions

As mentioned above, Michael is a playable character. I don't know about you guys, but I was real bummed out when Michael went through all films without wearing a Hawaiian shirt and using grenade launchers. In a moment of original genius the guys at EA allow you to change clothes so you can look like Michael's cousin, Tony Montana! Plus Giorgio Moroder has supplied one of his Scarface tracks for the film! You can play the whole game as Michael. The most notable difference of the Michael missions is that you have Al Pacino's distinctive conservative hair, and you walk like a square! All the NPCS (non people characters) actually call you Michael too!

The Secret young Vito missions

Apparently there is a rumor circulation that you can also play the role of the young Vito, played by actual real life gang member Robert Deniro. Not much is known about it at this time, but EA's PR representative. Kendra Drakanowisisiki, had this to say "The Godfather game WILL allow you to play as the young Vito. All I can say at this point is that the NPC's will address the young Vito with his ACTUAL NAME. It's advances like this that won EA IGN's 'Most Innovative Publisher' award for the last 20 years."


The graphics on this game are just great. You can even see the bruises on Michael's sisters arms! The game supports an impressive 700 FPS in Lo-res mode, and a none too shabby 16FPS in 'HD Mode', which takes advantage of Microsoft's XBOX 360's HDMI hybrid signal booster Component analog booster socket. It is rumored to be a killer app launch title for the PS3, and will fully support the PS3's ultimate emotional processing unit which will allow Michael Corleone's brows to furrow in real time. Sofia Coppola's jagged teeth are also crisply rendered, along with Andy Garcia's sneering face.


EA's The Godfather - The Game borrows elements from the classic Italian Triollogy and adds a lot of new ones! The cars in the original Godfather were pretty lame, being old and not so fast. Well thanks to sponsorship from Chevrolet, Nissan and Subaru, you can now drive some of the latest and greatest cars in the new and original 'race for preps' section. Basically, when walking round the 'envirosphere' of the game you can actually steal Cheverolets Nissans and Subaru's and then burn a rival family at the lights! The winner gets double preps which in turn increase their 'Whack value'. Unfortunately these cars can't be damaged though due to Chevrolet, Nissan and and Subaru not wanting their cars reflected in a bad light. However, you can still run over everyone in the game, and a well-placed sniper shot will blow your opponent's car tyre out!

I spoke to EA's PR representative, Vonda Kraziak about the versatility of this game, and she had this to say "It's advances like this that won EA IGN's 'Most Innovative
Publisher' award for the last 20 years."


This game is the best EA game since Harry Potter. It's just too awesome for words. Every one should have this game! It is rated Mature but it's important to educate the young about slippery Italians, I think. Do your younger brother a favor and get this game! It's almost worth it for the soundtrack, including tracks from Pimp Diddy and Big Daddy Fuckedup. I always use scores out of 10 for my reviews, because that's what all the best reviewers do, and considering this is my 7th review I think that qualifies me.

Final Verdict


*^~Randy's Game of the Month Award Winner - Gold~^*

Someone who calls themselves "Desk Desk" when on the internet emailed us a clip of the Adam and Joe radio show, where they talk about how The Godfather game rides roughshod over the grave of the movie. "Desk Desk" wins 50 UKR Respect Points. Alex gets the cards for the hot review, so has to take the massive risk of sending us details of where he lives.
Blogger Hamstermemnon said...
How many mistakes due you want pointed out?
or aren't you bothered as he's obviously copied it badly from some mag or other
favour it has a u
Scotland not Scottsland
strickly speaking Blacks and Italians are not minority groups, they just get treated like it.
that's paragraph 1, can't be bothered correcting anymore.
the other matey should get the prize, at least he was honest enough to send an obvious rip off
Blogger Joe said...
Thanks Hamstermemnon. You literally can't make it up with some of the people on UKR.

I wanted a business card :(
Blogger Tomleecee said...
LOL, Great review! Kudos for the use of the word Envirosphere. Hamstermemnon...oh dear
Blogger mrplow said...
That "Hamstermemnon" guy is a bit "Games TM".

btw, err, Adam and Joe radio show? Where the fuck can I listen to that, and how much have I missed?
Blogger Seb said...
mrplow. They can be found at Xfm and do a Saturday show between 1 to 3. You can listen online thanks to this tintarweb thingy.

I only found out about it thanks to UK:R. I miss the Adam and Joe show
Blogger mrplow said...
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Blogger mrplow said...
Yeah I found it after about 2 seconds googling.

I'm always at fucking work on saturdays and they don't have an uber amazing bbc-esque listen again thing on their entry level website :(

I love Adam and Joe. I'd let them have me. Both at the same time, even.
Blogger Kaiju said...
Total class! If all reviews were this cynical, i'd be a very happy man!
Blogger itsgood2slide said...
Is that name supposed to be an extension of Randy Sluganski of Just Adventure?
Blogger Hamstermemnon said...
what can i say, i've had a bad week.
morag is still in kiyyy's village so no smack
times are hard and i was irritable
rodent issues

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