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Lack of game interest leads to second superfluous joke update
Well, there's always the GameCube, but you'd probably all rather something a little larger and more rounded.

Two weeks of work culminate in joke
Concerned about the lack of UKR updates? It's due to us working on the new Employee of the Week, which contains a small joke.

Empire strikes back
As usual, Sega UK won't have a stand at this years ECTS. Instead, they'll be blowing what marketing budget they have left by renting the Empire Cinema in London's *Leicester Square on the evening of the first day of the show (Sunday September 3rd). As well as numerous Dreamcasts occupying the lobby of the building, there'll be a two-and-a-half hour feature showing forthcoming titles on the main screen. UK:Resistance have a similar event planned on the same evening, albeit at one of the smaller "specialist" cinema's in the near vicinty.

*note for fat American tourists. Leicester is pronounced "Lester" not "lie-kester".

Good riddance to you
There's been a spate Dreamcast titles being canned in the last few days, the latest being Colin Mcrae Rally 2.0 from Codemasters (despite the fact that the DC version was in an advanced stage and purportedly looking much better than the PC incarnation.) An announcement from the company cited "external parties" playing a part in the decision. We sent undercover UK:R operative, codename "Ken", to the companies HQ, where he retrieved this document from a waste bin.

Unique web experiment
One of the UKR team has been placed under 24-hour TV surveillance to give a unique insight into the lives, workings and social dilemmas that a webmaster faces. Check out the live TV footage right now.

It gets worse
Despite yesterday denouncing claims of a further delay to the Euro launch of PS2 as "utter bullshit" and "complete bollocks", Sony today confirmed that their console will now be released a month later than expected on November 24th. The amount of machines that will actually be available is also dropping by the day. A quick call to bookmakers William Hill revealed the odds of getting a PS2 this side of Christmas are just behind the odds of a member of UK:Resistance getting a shag from Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova on the same day.

A fragrance to match the look in your eyes
To capitalise on the massive success* of Dreamcast, and to celebrate the forthcoming arrival of PS2, Sega has released a Sega Fragrance to summarise and capture the unique atmosphere of Sega in the year 2000.

*Terrible failure

Multimedia Whores
If you haven't already, you really need to download and enjoy the Christina Aguilera vs Eminem MP3 - it's a reply from Christina to the tune of Eminem's Real Slim Shady track. A quality item you need to hear.

More dubious PS2 announcements
UK site Computer and Videogames has reported that "over 750 Playstation 2 titles have been already scheduled for release before the end of 2002...Around a quarter of those games will arrive from gaming behemoth EA, illustrating the company's commitment to the console."
Right, so EA are going to be releasing about 185 PS2 games over the next two years then? We can only guess that they intend to test the average Playstation owners gullibility to the max, by releasing bi-weekly updates of FIFA Soccer, instead of at the usual six-monthly intervals.

PlayStation2 pre-ordering begins!
Finally Sony has released its Pre-order Form which potential British PS2 owners must complete and return to Sony if they wish to order a PlayStation2. Only pre-orders made on this official Sony form will be accepted, so get it sent off quickly if you want to avoid disappointment.

Summer hose special
Must be about time for a new Employee of the Week by now, surely. After all, it is the summer, plenty of girls in tight t-shirts to lust over. The British Government advises always taking a wank before leaving the house to avoid unnecessary build-ups of sexual tension.

I fought in the war you know.
Being the stubborn, jaded, veterans of gaming that we are, we like things how they used to be. You'll often find us reminiscing about the "old days" when there was no such thing as save game points or polygons. Take this new-fangled analog joypad malarkey, whose fucking idea was that? Bloody Nintendo, that's who. Now it seems we're stuck with it and many developers are leaving out digital control completely. For this reason we're now adding a new feature entitled "This week, analog control is currently pissing us off in.." Here's part one.

This week, analog control is currently pissing us off in.........Jet Set Radio
(PS. This doesn't stop Jet Set Radio being the coolest game ever made.)

Disgruntled PS2 developer speaks
Some of this you may not understand. Most of it seems to be a PS2 programmer moaning about it being shit to work with. Time to start clearing space under your telly for that X-Box.

-Your games will surely sell well with 100+ games coming out in a few month period, with the prolifically large 2 million system owners.

-Who needs blending/transparency? Who needs textures at all? The more hardware features you enable in your PS2 games, whole new worlds of possibility open up to you! Like jumping out your office window!

-Games that are hard to develop are always much more cost effective, why spend 3 months porting your PC game to X-Box when you could spend 15 months making a PS2 game?!

-DirectX8 sucks! We have MathEngine(TM)! Emotion Engine! Engines are schweet!

-Gamers don't care if games drop below 30 fps, or if they look marginally better than a 2 year system, or if they look much worse than their PC games.

-Just darken everything to blacks, grays, and greens - users are too stupid to realize the graphics aren't really that impressive

-Sequels are always more successful, look at SNES and NES, or 5200 and 2600, or Saturn and Genesis...Name alone can surely make something succeed

-Millions and millions of Americans will surely want a $299 DVD player, even though better ones are available for $99, and wouldn't be tied up by Johnny playing his newest piece of shit game

-Microsoft doesn't have the money to compete! Nintendo has no experience in this industry, and look how they failed with N64! Sega surely is already dead, even though it has 150+ games and is becoming cheap enough to be bought by casual gamers. Games like World Series Baseball and Ecco the Dolphin pale in comparison to Gekikuukan Pro Japanese Baseball, Driving Emotion, and the rest of Square's excellent lineup

-Who needs modems? DSL is a BREEZE to install! USB Modems are practically falling out of people's asses. TCP/IP technologies are totally standardized! Market fragmentation is soooo cool! Who needs 4 player games and multiplayer games anyway, that is a niche thing. Who needs a computer, you can spend $800 on PS2 and have a nifty 640x480 powerhouse!

-PS2 chip is just being gobbled up! Manufacturers are chomping at the bit to release their new PS2 based microwaves, blenders, and arcade games!

-PS2 software is selling up a storm in Japan! Buchigire Kongou might break the 20,000 sold mark some day (cross your fingers!!) Don't listen to rumors, the sales of PS2 have nothing to do with normal DVD players costing over $500 there

-Sony is going to give you 'Graphic Libraries', surely programmers these days are too stupid to properly use hardware themselves! Instead of realizing all the stuff you can't do yourself, you can just pop open the libraries and conform to the idiosyncrasies of the hardware instantly...JOY!

Exciting statistical information
Scientists with calculators and clipboards have been totalling up the sales figures for DC games in the UK and DC hardware in Japan. Mind you, seeing how few Dreamcast games are selling, they could probably do the sums on their fingers:

UK DC game unit sales for the last week:

  • Tony Hawk - 1165
  • Code Veronica - 1002
  • Wacky Races - 949
  • Furfighters - 889
  • Ecco - 601
  • Sega: The Dangerous and Exciting Years
    No wonder so many people went out and bought Megadrives and Genesiseseses, Sega managed to produce a console that was cool AND attractive to the ladies. This is what passed for Sega advertising back in the early nineties. Ahh, they were happy days all right.

    "Yes, I would like to come back to your house and sit in awkward silence playing video games with you, you pathetic boy."

    We know where you live
    Sony have no plans to change their controversial pre-ordering system for PS2, despite growing resentment from retailers and game buying public who don't particularly like the idea of giving their details to Sony. The main concern seems to be over just what they intend to do with all these names and addresses. We fear this may be a common sight on UK streets in the coming months.

    Just shut up and give me a box of Flakes
    There's a new British web site about games that's amusing and even has a logo that you can PLAY. Yes, a logo that you can PLAY. You're intrigued now, right? Check out Ice Cream Van for news of this sensational PLAYABLE main logo. You need Shockwave, mind.

    Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore - First Image Revealed
    Tecmo has announced it is working on an all-new incarnation of Dead or Alive 2 for PS2, featuring new, improved graphics and lots of other changes too. Dead or Alive fans that we are, UK:R was supplied the First Screenshot of this stunning new fighting game.

    PS2: Not available in any shops
    In what is surely about to herald the biggest videogame retail and PR disaster of all time, Sony Europe has announced that PS2 will ONLY be sold to people who pre-order a machine in advance. There will be NO spare machines for people to buy without reservation, NO stock on the shelves for you to just pick up and buy. This is not a joke. If you want a PS2 you have supply your name & address to a store so they can strictly control supply of the hardware. Whoops, there go a few hundred thousand sales, you spackers!

    "No, we don't have a record of your reservation. Would you like to make a formal complaint, sir?"

    Real exclusive news story shocker!
    Well actually we're not sure if this is exclusive or not (as we can't be bothered to check other games sites) but someone from developer Clockwork Games posted a link to these screenshots of a DC racing game they're working on. They're looking for some feedback too, so check them out.

    PS2 slightly outselling Dreamcast
    Latest sales figures from Japan show the Dreamcast still fighting head to head with the PS2. Last week saw 68,548 people walking away with Sony's machine, with the Dreamcast being closely beaten into second place with 4,172 - only 64,376 less! SOJ executives are confident of breaking the magic 4,175 mark in the coming weeks.

    Lara Croft in RED HOT movie action!
    Remember the mildly arousing Lara Porn photo feature from a while back? Well, there's more. We now have some amazing HOT MOVIE ACTION showing clips from that very same photoshoot. It's 6Mb, good quality, although not particularly hardcore, but still worth downloading for fun if you don't pay for your net access.

    Oops! Awfully sorry chaps.
    Sega and Future Publishing have been quick to dispell fears of a mass Dreamcast piracy outbreak after a recent issue of DC-UK magazine featured the Datel CDX disc as a covermount, mistakenly with the complete import-busting code left intact. The Datel employee responsible for this howler was this week summoned to Sega Europe HQ for a showdown meeting.

    UK:Resistance - a beginner's guide

  • 1996 - Started off being serious about how great the Sega Saturn was.
  • 1997 - Got bored and started focussing more on ladies and "jokes."
  • 1998 - Big Sega backlash period.
  • 1999 - Continuing backlash period.
  • 2000 - Starting to dislike PS2, view DC as sick puppy with gooey eyes.
  • Here are a few highlights of what have been readers' favourite features over the years. More can be found in the Archive and also the Articles pages, should you fancy nosing around. Thank you.

  • Exclusive Dead or Alive 2 Preview
  • DoA2 Cleavage Showdown!
  • Tomb Raider 5 Exclusive Info
  • Lara's Ugly Desktop Art

  • That's the kind of stuff we do. You like?

    Greetings, remaining readers
    Abnormal service has now been resumed, which means still virtually no updates, but at least there's something here again. UKR is now part of the not-as-bad-as-it-sounds Portal of Evil group of sites, who happily won't get all upset over pictures of women in their bras like our last hosting company.

    With thanks to Telefragged!
    Best wishes to all of the uptight homosexual repressed child molestors at our previous hosting company Telefragged, who deleted the site due to all of the "pornography" it contains. We now present this Factual Re-enactment and dramatisation of the events at Telefragged which led to our sudden deletion. [Viewer discretion advised].

    In like a bullet at number... ten
    It's not that bad. Ecco got quite a few negative reviews from people who reviewed it by playing the training level for half an hour. It's still the best-selling "1.5-party" game so far. And look! At number 13! It's Code: Veronica! Two Dreamcast games troubling the top end of the chart.

    Don't laugh, that's Dreamcast's best chart performance yet.

    Employee of the Week
    Who would've thought that a few pictures of women in their bras could bring a web empire the size of UK:Resistance to its knees? Here's a new example of the kind of sick, offensive, depraved and corrupt hardcore filth that we regularly peddle. It's called Employee of the Week - it's why most people come here.

    She's no Vorderman
    Not quite as rough and slutty as Aguilera, but slightly dirtier than Britney, and way dumber than them both divided by each other - it's British teen popstar Billie Piper and you're way too old for her.

    Bargain bucket beckons
    While Sega still officially want you to pay 199 for your Dreamcast, retailers across the country have other ideas. Most shops are now selling them for 149, with a base machine also available for 99 in certain chains across the country.

    Please the woman in your life by buying her videogames. Maybe that's why we don't have girlfriends?

    Code Veronica: A hit, actually
    Don't listen to all the other spazzy Joey Deacon fan sites that go one about DC Res Evil not performing well - Code Veronica was actually the second best selling all-formats game last week, beating all of that Pokemon toss and getting a higher chart position than Crazy Taxi managed, despite a generally apathetic games market. So there.

    Please don't hate the British just because Jedi Power Battles is in our game chart, we have stupid people over here too.

    Sega reveal cunning new strategy
    After some pitiful Dreamcast sales over the last two weeks (even N64 sold more) Sega have revealed their revolutionary new masterplan - don't release any games! The nigh-on finished Metropolis Street Racer has now been pushed back to September 1st, right about the time when the PS2 hype machine will be in full swing and every other TV ad' will be the FMV intro from Gran Turismo 2000. What can we expect next from the clever Sega marketing team? A price increase?

    UK:R - The Movie
    One of the biggest hits at the recent Cannes Film Festival was a private short film financed by UK:R. It's a touching exploration of sexuality, encompassing the alienating feelings and painful subconscious desires of 21st century life, played out against an angst-ridden background of a decaying society filled with anger and opression. Check out The Movie in our hi-tech and exclusive internet presentation.

    More things Sega could give away free in order to sell more Dreamcasts:

  • Hot sausage rolls
  • Friends
  • Pictures of girls in see-through tops
  • 18 months for Lara nonce
    Not only morally bankrupt, but now also officially illegal and classified as paedophile material - it's Tomb Raider! Along with nine-year-old girl fan "evil" Ken Lockley. According to the report he "Used computers at home and work" - a cry for help that we can all relate to.

    Click on the above for the full shameful story. It's not funny, just a bit sad and frightening.

    Things Sega could do instead of making video game hardware:
  • Get a proper job
  • Travel around Europe
  • Stay in bed until the afternoon and watch TV all day
  • Start going to yoga lessons
  • Stalk Carol Vorderman
  • Learn to play a musical instrument (piano, drums, etc)
  • Redecorate the house
  • Go to the cinema more often
  • Write poetry
  • Update its web site more often
  • Phone its mother more often
  • Plot revenge and arrange watertight alibis
  • More things Sega could give away free in order to sell more Dreamcasts:

  • Cake
  • Chocolate biscuits
  • Other things Sega could give away free in order to sell more Dreamcasts:

  • Pies
  • Blow job vouchers
  • Free games!
    Are you eagerly waiting to get your hands on Chu Chu Rocket so you can finally get to use your Dreamcast for online gaming? Tough, now you've got to wait for an extra two weeks, because it's been delayed. But wait - a press release from SOE has just landed in the UK:R intray, "Chu Chu Rocket is to be given away FREE to all registered Dreamcast owners!" Yes, you read that right, Free, not 39.00 as expected, but 0.00. Expect another appearance by a Sega exec. on Watchdog when the Dreamarena network is brought to it's knees shortly after the game's release.

    Exclusive E3 pictures from the show floor
    UK Resistance was there to cover the event, managing to capture all of the excitement of the show. And also some pictures from the Sony area.

    Sega's E3 display areaSony's E3 display area

    PS2 game renders journalists inept gibbering wrecks.
    Metal Gear Solid 2, the first game on PS2 to actually look half-decent, has sent some journalists over the edge and had them competing with each other to make the most ridiulous exaggerated statements possible. This will undoubtedly leave them feeling stupid in later months (remember the reaction to the first PS2 demos?) when they realise it's only a game and not the second coming. Here's a selection of the most outlandish quotes;

    "Hollywood was given a run for its money yesterday, and then some....The impact this game has already made on the entertainment industry has been huge, despite being merely hours old."

    "Metal Gear Solid 2: will likely be one of the most cinematic experiences of our time -- in a videogame or on film."

    This government health warning is to be sent to all magazine publishers.

    E3 Non-Exclusives!
    Here's all the latest non-exclusive revelations from the E3 show;

    Sonic Adventure 2 on it's way. (Hope it's better then the first one)
    Daytona 2 headed for DC (Why? it was boring and unpopular)
    Ferrari F355 to feature 8 player net-play (We're getting warmer)
    18 Wheeler also to feature online play

    Stay tuned for more second hand non-exlusives not coming to you live from the E3 floor.

    New balls please
    Sega's Naomi-based sports title Virtua Tennis is headed to Dreamcast later this year and looks set to be one of the showstoppers at the forthcoming E3, but we can now exclusively reveal that a follow up is already in the works! Members of the Dead or Alive 2 programming team have been commissioned to work on the title and we've secured these awesome screenshots from the first build of the game.

    Sony issue PS2 bug fix
    After media and public outrage at PS2's apparently rather poor graphic performance, Sony Japan has released this PlayStation2 Bug Fix which should greatly improve the situation.

    WELOVEYOU
    No really, we do. Just run our visual basic script to prove it.

    Sony's PS2 marketing plans revealed
    Sony has announced it plans to sell 3 million PS2s in America before March 2001. Sounds unbelievable, until you see their unique marketing plan to help shift the disappointing black box:

    Why else would you buy a machine that's worse than DC and costs twice as much?

    Red Dog: Flop Extraordinaire!
    The first Sega '1.5 party' Euro game has limped onto the shelves amidst a blaze of silence and apathy, running out of steam at number seven. Of course, that's number seven on the Dreamcast chart, which must mean literally hundreds of copies have been sold. Proof that DC owners want original concepts, not just the same old rubbish with guns on.

    01: [01] Sega Bass Fishing (AM R&D 1/Sega)
    02: [02] Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation (Core/Eidos)
    03: [03] Crazy Taxi (AM R&D 3/Sega)
    04: [07] LOK: Soul Reaver (Crystal Dynamics/Eidos)
    05: [04] Rayman 2 (Ubi Soft/Ubi Soft)
    06: [RE] Monaco Grand Prix Racing Simulation 2 (Ubi Soft/Ubi Soft)
    07: [NE] Red Dog (Argonaut/Sega)
    08: [05] The House Of The Dead 2 (AM R&D 1/Sega)
    09: [RE] Trickstyle (Criteron/Sega)
    10: [07] Sonic Adventure (Sonic Team/Sega)

    Official sales figures taken from Sega Weekly

    EDGE: 'PS2 is shit' shock claim
    Future Publishing's Curriculum Vitae (aka EDGE magazine) has reviewed the PS2's initial games, giving them a resoundingly stinky reception. RRV gets a deserved 5/10, Tekken Tag gets 6/10, SFEX3 gets a bizarre 7/10, and Fantavision gets 8/10 but who the hell cares about that?

    Dead or Alive 2 gets 8/10 on DC and PS2 (along with small-print to explain that the good grabs are taken from the DC version - conspiracy theorists take note), although interviews with Yuji Naka and the Jet Set Radio team make for a decidedly Dreamcast-oriented issue*. And the PS2 Ferrari game looks like a PC game circa 1995.

    EDGE also comes in an elaborate velcro-fastening case this month which must've been extremely expensive to produce. Good job they don't have to print very many issues then, eh?

    *Of course we're not suggesting you actually buy it.

    Daytona on Dreamcast!
    Well, it's NASCAR on the Naomi arcade board actually, but it's pretty much the same thing. And it's even being programmed by the Daytona USA team - your guarantee of quality. That Naomi was a bloody good idea.

    Best racing game ever, mate.

    Long live the Queen
    Innocent days, it was sunnier then, you got home in time for Neighbours, always sausages for dinner - one woman sums up those early feelings that girls are perhaps useful for something other than cooking, washing and driving you to school. And she's coming back soon.

    Charitable gift of comedy from reader
    For those of you that like to keep in touch with the news, here's a nice topical gag sent in by a reader. If any other readers would like to make us look bad by sending in jokes that are clearly better than the rubbish we do, feel free. It's a topical sequel to Rainbow 6!

    Even if you don't get it, pretend to laugh anyway otherwise you'll look all stupid and out of touch with current affairs.

    Fashion industry rocked
    The world of fashion was stunned today by the launch of the UK:Resistance T-Shirt! Trendy London designer Paul Smith was said to be "gutted" when he heard the shirt was outselling his own by a considerable margin, whilst American fashion guru Calvin Klein was said to be "pissed off" and ordered his marketing team to find some new underage girls for a retaliatory ad campaign. Luckily, we still have a limited number of shirts available so visit our shoppe for more info.

    Shock updating of Letters Page announced!
    It's been about six months since the last one. We were starting to get more letters asking why the Letters Shed is never updated than actual proper letters. You bastards are sucking us dry. Here are a few highlights from the new Shed:

    "What's taking you lot so long to update the letters shed??"
    "Shigeru Miyamoto is the greatest FACKING cunt the world has ever FACKING known and that is FACKING that!"
    "Your page is very funny. I like it best when you print old Viz jokes and pass them off as your own."
    "Trust me, something big's going down in the Alps.

    Lara's X-rated porn shame!
    Continuing our pointless vendetta against Lara/Core/Eidos, we proudly present some nice Lara Porn which was sent in by a like-minded reader. He promises us he also has some pics that "show more" - stay tuned!

    *If you have any pornography featuring your girlfriend dressed up like a game character, please mail us. Please. Dead or Alive 2 characters "lezzing up" are particularly welcome.

    Bored
    With no new games to play and not even any Sony mess-ups to laugh at, it looks like we're going to have to temporarily bring out our new test card.

    Yes, it really WAS too good to be true
    April 28 was to have been the "brought forward" UK release date for Dead or Alive 2. That's WAS, as it now appears a lengthy delay is set to "push back" the stunning fighting game's release many months.

    Official reason is to "make it better" and add in the (minor) Millennium updates made to the Japanese coin-op, but a more likely reason is... well, choose your own:

  • Sega's piss-poor organisational skills strike again
  • Sony have bought Tecmo's soul
  • Acclaim generally being a bunch of wankers
  • Acclaim saw the sales of Tomb Raider and decided it wasn't worth bothering
  • It's a government-level conspiracy to make PS2 succeed
  • Sega genuinely believe MDK2 is Dreamcast's 'killer app'
  • Sega are concerned about Repetitive Strain Injuries
  • No one cares about Dreamcast any more
  • It's a disaster. Now DoA2 will get swallowed up by the PS2 hype, leaving Dreamcast without an exclusive few months of having the world's best fighting game all to itself. Our money is on the game never coming out here for DC now. EUROPEAN PR NIGHTMARE SHAME!

    What's even more annoying, is that the Dreamcast game LOOKS BETTER than the PS2 one. We demand the nuts of whoever's responsible for this.

    The games industry: mutual cocksucking ceremony
    One group of cosy industry chums have nicely handed out some awards to their expenses account-wielding boyfriends, in the name of cheap publicity, continuing blatant favouritism, the usual corruption and just generally keeping everyone in everyone else's pockets.

    See how companies that love each other give awards to each other! Like the Germany/Turkey shame that spoils the Eurovision Song Contest every year. Pointless mutual masturbation, especially Peter Molyneux and the usual same old names. SHAME ON YOU ALL.

    CTW People Awards - Sponsored by UKOnline

    Journalist of the Year - (Sponsored by Bleeding Edge Publishing)
    Mike Goldsmith (Official "ten-out-of-ten" PlayStation Magazine)

    (Mike is also winner of the UKR Journalistic Shame award for reviewing incomplete software three months before its release (Colin McRae 2))

    Store Manager of the Year (Multiple) - (Sponsored by Sony Computer Entertainment)
    Neil Bainbridge (HMV)

    Best Independent Outlet/Store - (Sponsored by Jack of All Games)
    Erol Kohen (Erol's Computers, Walthamstow)

    Developer/Programmer of the Year - (Sponsored by CTW)
    Peter Molyneux (Lionhead Studios)

    PR Executive of the Year - (Sponsored by PC Gaming World)
    Simon Byron (Bastion)

    Marketing Executive of the Year - (Sponsored by Gamespot.co.uk)
    Jon Rosenblatt (Eidos)

    Sales Person of the Year - (Sponsored by Columbus Group PLC)
    Pete Stone (Konami)

    Buyer of the Year - (Sponsored by CTW)
    Doug Bone (HMV)

    Ligger of the Year - (Sponsored by Changeover)
    Steve Boxer (Freelance journalist)

    Outstanding Contribution to the industry - (Sponsored by Koch Distribution)
    Paul Jackson (EA)

    B*witched: an apology
    Some time ago we ran an irresponsible news item in which we suggested the girls from top pop group B*witched looked like men. We would like to apologise for this evil accusation, in the light of stunning new evidence which proves that they are actually very nice young ladies, especially as they've obviously been dieting and spending money on their hair.

    And a large Coke, please
    Obviously preparing for an Extinction Level Event, staff at Sega Europe have been making plans for what they'll all be doing after they get sacked this time next year. Sega Europe Big Bossman Jean-Francois Cecillion seems to be branching out in a unique direction:

    We cannot take credit for this smashing likeness, it was 'anonymously' emailed. Every JFC meal comes with a large serving of coke, according to rumours.

    Core Design issue exclusive 'thank you' Lara art
    The release of Tomb Raider: TLR on Dreamcast has helped the franchise scrape back into the all formats chart at number nine. Major anti-climax for Sega. Still, those talented artists at Core Design seem happy, and have issued this piece of Lara art to thank all those that bought the DC game:

    Click on the image to download a nice desktop 800x600 example of Core's fantastic art.

    Please buy our console
    On the back of the woeful sales of Tomb Raider, comes the disturbing news that the Dreamcast itself sold barely 1000 units in the UK last week, causing retailers to demand a price cut as soon as possible. Here's a list of things that have sold more than Dreamcast in the last seven days.

    Gary Barlow's latest album
    EDGE magazine
    Vanessa Feltz workout video
    Tickets for Gary Glitter's next concert
    Betamax VCRs
    Sega Saturns

    Shame of Sonic's sick bondage photos
    Sonic the Hedgehog, hero to millions of children (some as young as five years old), is little more than a sick pervert, who regularly enjoys engaging in dangerous bondage group sex on crowded streets. This exclusive photo shows the true sad depths Sonic has reached.

    He's smiling! He's loving it, the little devil. Go on, my son!

    And you can keep your cast offs, thank you very much
    Our reliable inside sources have indicated that Dreamcast Tomb Raider is unlikely to bother the sales charts this week, managing in the region of a shameful 5000 sales so far. Bad news for Dreamcast, but good news for Dreamcast owners who now look really clever by not falling for this awful PlayStation emulator conversion.

    Let's really stick the boot in by continuing to laugh at Core's rubbish attempts at artwork. Day three: Young Lara!

    WARNING! Clicking on this image will cause it to increase in size. Please keep pets and small children at a safe distance.

    Video games - the painful compromises*
    The lovely, innocent lady pictured below (we hope she's dressing ironically) wants to censor violent video games on her web site. You like her, you like games - which one would you rather 'have'?

    Her email address is on the site, should you fancy 'chancing your arm'...

    *New, gentler, less offensive angle.

    Core's horrendous CG hits Dreamcast!
    The fragile thread that suspends Dreamcast (and that is dramatically being sawed through by the sharp window ledge with strands snapping one by one as our hero desperately tries to escape certain death) was strengthened on Friday, when the money-grabbing slut Lara 'bad CG face' Croft made her debut on the machine.

    It's being advertised heavily on the TV too, with a surprisingly cool ad that's kind of a piss-take of the 'confident woman' cereal/feminine hygeine/skin cleanser ads. No game footage is shown, and Core have done their usual laughable job of creating a freakish, malformed face for Lara.

    Crazy Taxi finally has the burden of singlehandedly carrying Dreamcast lessened this week. The axeman has been delayed (but will probably still cometh pretty soon). Suggestions as to what's wrong with her face should be emailed to the usual address.

    New Employee of the Week
    Located here. Core Design art people might like to use this sample image to get a few pointers as to what ladies' faces really look like.

    Second PS2 USB device revealed!
    Following harsh criticism of the first batch of PS2 software, Sony is set to release this device to politely encourage bored journalists and gamers to give the machine a second chance.

    Important Sony product recall information
    Finally, after many complaints and reports of bugs and errors, Sony has released some important product recall information which must be read by all Sony console owners IMMEDIATELY.

    New PS2 peripheral revealed
    Sony have announced a new peripheral to be bundled with all PS2s for its Western release - a pair of rose tinted specs! They plug in to the USB port and will ensure that buyers of the console don't notice the lack of anti-aliasing and bland textures. Naturally, we've secured the first pics.

    Some rumours suggest that a large number of journalists in the gaming press have already been using this peripheral for the last few months.

    PS2's sick lesbian shame
    Not content with releasing dangerous amounts of boredom into the world, Sony now plan to unleash depraved, lewd, sexual content on the underwhelming future-disaster that is PlayStation2. Pictured below: a PS2 game which features Japanese ladies kissing each other.
    To read the full article click here

    Wonder what happens on later levels?

    Collector's edition IT-themed Employee of the Week
    The IT industry has long been the butt of jokes. Body odour, pale skin, massive collections of child porn, watching your net use, having you arrested for downloading important research into the scouting movement - there's no end to the ways our IT friends make our lives harder. So here's a special IT joke to further add to their pained lives.