Ten reasons why it's good that Sega is making games for other systems
Where did it all go wrong
That's about 20 weeks a year, on average
It's already selling key assets to raise cash to survive, but the UK Resistance office sweepstake favours the entire company being ripped up and flogged off within the month, which, strangely enough, is the exact same lie desperate Future journalists have been spreading around the industry about one of its rival companies for the last 18 months. It's not nice to gloat. Except on this one specific occasion.
Please, show you care - donate what you can to our Future Publishing Crisis Appeal Fund -- we'll be airlifting grain in to feed its impendingly redundant staff next week.
Know your mailing list users!
DISCLAIMER: Obviously none of the above applies the the UKR mailing list, which is full of the nicest people you could possibly ever hope to meet!!!! And is definitely not home to the biggest collection of desperate, retro-gaming-obsessed, tedious fucking cunts on the whole internet. We love it! Subscribe today!
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Ten More Enjoyable Things To Do Than Watching The Tomb Raider Film
asl?
If you want to feel loved and popular just logon to an internet chat room using a girl's name. 'Becky' seems to work best. Just don't come running to us to pick up the pieces when you get off the train with a red rose in your lapel to discover your internet lover was just a group of men standing around in an office laughing at your desperate pleas for cybersex. Just stick with our Employee of the Week -- it's safer.
Gran Turismo 3 -- easily the best driving game ever seen. But not in the eyes of the Sega fan. To them it's boring because you can play it for more than five minutes before seeing the entire game. Let's just hurriedly gloss over the fact that it's by far the prettiest and most depth-happy racer ever seen, and start criticising it for the one lo-res tree that's situated 100 yards off in the background of one of the rally stages. You lot need to grow up and accept one key fact -- Sega never made anything this good.
After months of deliberation and painful reflection, we think we've finally identified the reason for Dreamcast's failure to capture the public imagination. It was all quite simple really.
Employee of the Week is rapidly approaching the 100 barrier. Email us to say who your all-time favourite has been and we'll arrange something special to celebrate. Yes, we know some of the images are missing -- don't mistake that for technical ineptitude, it's actually just rank laziness. 
The two most beautiful things in the world are Anna Kournikova and dolphins. Here they are, together. Feel their calming influence washing over you and making you a better person, the sort of person you'd like to be with were you someone else.
UKR -- your number one source for Anna Kournikova bestiality pics. That sentence should get some interesting search engine results.
Cash-strapped publishing house Future Publishing (affectionately known as 'The Twat Factory' within the industry), for so long the number one source of lies about how bad its competition has been performing, is, rather amusingly, experiencing its own massive financial crisis. Its despairing backers are fed up with bankrolling its gigantic cash burn (alleged to be in the region of £500,000 a week), a costly official magazine license it simply cannot afford to repay, and a hugely disillusioned workforce (such as it remains following another round of redundancies this week).
The Future share price, yesterday. Ha, and indeed, HA! The Future staff who spent all of E3 bragging about the imminent collapse of one of its competitors must, surely, now consider themselves humbled.
The weather's hot. There's tennis babes on the TV. The towns are fully of glistening teenage girls with perky bosoms busting out of skimpy red tops, and frankly, we're struggling to stay in control of our primal urges. Yes, it's the summer again, when a young man's thoughts momentarilly turn away from video games and towards more physical pleasures. Pleasures something along the lines of this. Sweat off all that weight you've gained over the winter.
Have you got nothing better to do with your life than check your email every five minutes, hoping for new messages from those people you've never met in real life and yet you still laughably insist on referring to as your fucking "friends"? Then chances are your equally desperate mailing list "friends" fit into one of the following categories.
The Fountain of all Knowledge
The most risible of all, the FoK-er replies to every single post, as if his is the only right and proper opinion worth heeding in the world. Can his own personal lack of achievement and/or talent be amply compensated by "0wning" a parasitic mailing list? No, but you'll enjoy reading his posts simply to shout "Wanker!" when reading his opinionated and poorly spelt bilge.
The Lurker
He who dare not post for fear of inevitably incurring the wrath of the FoK-er, who will immediately take the opposite side of any argument simply to look all "cool" and "hard".
The Despairing Webmaster
Observes quietly, barely able to contain his/her contempt for the tedious fucks that have taken his/her web site name in vain. The Lonely Desperado
Posts personal emails from others in an attempt to look like an important, influencial kind of guy, instead of the desperate, redundant, inadequate he really is, hoping to deflect attention from his own pathetic, inconsequential existence by poking fun at others.
The Immediately Kicked
He who can put forward balanced, reasoned, well thought out opinions, and is therefore considered a threat by the dumb and controlling FoK-er who will have him immediately booted off.
The Bitch
Her/his over useage of the 'smiley face' is a veneer to mask the genuinely hateful vitriol that passes through this self-obsessed bitch's keyboard. Grow up, your children deserve better. Aren't you too old to be playing video games all day anyway?
The Administrator
He who decides whose opinions are allowed to be heard. Therefore the dictionary definition of a Nazi fucker.
The Insider
Will scoffingly reply to messages with a dismissive line, singlehandedly dismissing the post and hinting at being party to a greater knowledge to make himself look all clever.
Hello everybody, it's the weekend. We've been going to the shops, watching telly and playing some video games. Operation Flashpoint is good, but it's got a few bugs in it. There should be a patch released soon. I just got one of those optical mice with the cool red lights in them. It looks good in the dark and if you pick it up it creates an eerie effect across your keyboard. Gary's computer failed to boot up this morning, but then he remembered he'd left a floppy disk in the drive. Have you noticed how floppies don't work nowadays? The files are always corrupted when you try to load them on another PC. I reckon it's something to do with the Earth's changing magnetic field but Gary says it's due to the poor build quality. Scanlines are the new dropshadow. Here's today's strip
It's out over here next Friday. So here's a quick reminder of how terminally bollocks it is, in the form of Ten More Enjoyable Things To Do Than Watching The Tomb Raider Film:
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Tomb Raider: We've seen it so that you don't have to.
I don't think you wanted to do that.
Fucked up your GameBoy Advance by sticking a screwdriver through the back of it? Serves you right. If you still want to avoid the cost of photo-refractive laser eye surgery in later life - take our advice and get one of these;
And that's the nicest thing we could think of saying, too.
Tomb Raider movie review
Saw it on Friday at a press screening. It is quite possibly the shittest film ever made. Not funny and enjoyable shit like Street Fighter, but really bad shit like something with Steven Seagal in. People in the crowd were snorting with derision at the dialogue, direction, storyline and acting. Don't see it, it'll make you feel dirty. It's painful. Really bad. We got in for free and still felt ripped off.
Score: 1/10. Thumbs down. One star. Eight percent. A fish skeleton. Godawful.
We may be gone some time
Four words; Anna. Kournikova. fitness. video
We can die now
Gamers For Good Games protest meet update
The sixth annual Gamers For Good Games protest meet was a huge success, as an estimated 10,000 angry gamers congregated peacefully in Trafalgar Square to make their feelings known about the piss-poor current state of video games. Said one protester: "Why do they only make racing and Army Men games nowadays? Where has all the fun gone?".
And thousands of gamers across the country downed their joypads in support yesterday, as an act of protest against the shitty, mass-produced dross we have been forced to endure recently. We say ENOUGH!.
You can't go wrong with McAndrew
Further proof, as if any was needed, that we really need to get girlfriends for the summer. It's way too hot for vigorous masturbation.
Possible gaming meet-ups of the future
Hey, it's not just PSO players that like to organise meet-ups, you know:
| Virtua Striker Meet-Up | 11:30am Meet in pub. Begin drinking. 11:30pm Leave pub. 11:35pm Kick shit out of group of Asian youths at nearby bus stop. 11:55pm Minicab home. |
| Metropolis: Street Racer Meet-Up | Meet at 1:00pm Rearrange to meet at 2:00pm Rearrange to meet at 3:00pm Rearrange to meet at 4:00pm Rearrange to meet at 5:00pm Rearrange to meet at 6:00pm Rearrange to meet at 7:00pm Rearrange to meet at 8:00pm Rearrange to meet at 9:00pm Rearrange to meet at 10:00pm Rearrange to meet at 11:00pm Meet at 11:05pm 11:06pm Run out of time. Go home feeling strangely disappointed. |
| Phantasy Star v2.0 Meet-Up | 2:00pm Meet in amusement arcade. 2:05pm Run out of money and things to say to each other. 2:06pm Go home alone to play PSO instead. |
| Shenmue Meet-Up | 7:30pm Meet in pub. Begin drinking. 11:30pm Automatically teleport home, just as things were getting good. |
| Space Channel 5 Meet-Up | 9:30pm Meet in nightclub. 10:30pm Sit around edge of dancefloor, watching the dancing happy people, wishing you had the courage to join in. 10:50pm Go home to masturbate alone while thinking about that very attractive person you watched dance. |
| Virtua Tennis Meet-Up | 8:30pm Meet in pub. 9:30pm Go home, due to lack of girls to play with. |
Play
the Xbox Press Release game!
It's the craze that's set to sweep the internet! Next
time you read a press release about a forthcoming Xbox title, simply
use our point scoring checklist of superlative-ridden clichés
to add up its score. Hours of fun for all the family!
| Will redefine how people play videogames |
5 pts
|
| Sets a new standard for next generation gaming |
5 pts
|
| Gives gamers a richer, more intense experience |
5 pts
|
| Brings action previously impossible on a video game system |
8 pts
|
| Using the incredible graphic and sound capabilities of the Xbox. |
8 pts
|
| Xbox unleashes game designers’ creativity |
8 pts
|
| Utilising the most advanced gaming platform in the world |
8 pts
|
| Xbox will revolutionize video games in living rooms around the globe |
10 pts
|
| Xbox will deliver some of the most powerful gaming experiences ever |
10 pts
|
| Heralds a new era for videogames |
10 pts
|
| Uses sophisticated z-buffering and tri-linear filtering techniques |
25 pts
|
UK PSO meet-up a great success!
A great day was had by all, despite the lack of proper wheelchair access facilitites at several venues. The smell of talcum powder and urine was strong, the beers flowed merrily! Here's a photo of the UK PSO gang yesterday:
PSO meet-up attendees. Pictured from left to right: Big Wheely Style, Colin C, Ultim8 Hackor, FreeWheel, Colin H, NeckDown, Rolling Cowboy, Colin W, QuadraBob, Colin J, Colin M, Colin P.
Sorry, we can only think of one thing that's actually funny. The other nine were all poor attempts at humour. Not that we have anything against poor attempts at humour -- it is kind of what we do.A photocopy of Pamela Anderson's tits
Microsoft lose E3
Mmm, nice technology demos! Next time, however, why not try giving your bland piece-of-shit, ten-a-penny, dull-as-fuck first person shooters a bit of personality? You know, like what Nintendo were doing twenty years ago? An eighty billion dollar personal fortune... but what price a small nugget of common sense? Oh, and try not to make your new games machine resemble a suitcase either. From now on Americans should not be let near anything. Apart from, maybe, exposed electrical wiring or overloaded plug sockets.
Ten things more exciting than the XBox E3 software line-up
The 3DO E3 software line-up
Watching paint dry then gradually peel off over a period of fifty years
A drama about lung cancer starring Harrison Ford that's based on a true story
Attending a lecture on the social and political implications of watching paint drying and peeling off a wall over a period of fifty years
Discovering a lump
Ryvita
Future Publishing's magazine portfolio
An Edge magazine feature about developments in real time rendering technology, specifically focusing on the realistic creation of walls, paint, and fifty year periods of time
Realising that it's five minutes closer to going home time than you initially thought
Thinking about what happens when you die
Bill Gates, yesterday.
We'll be the only web site left on the whole internet by about next February. If any staff from the above sites are reading, brace yourselves for that ominous team meeting that's on the way.
New reader PS2 Crazy Taxi joke!
Here's another joke we've been sent about how Crazy Taxi on PS2 might turn out. Thing is, we've played it... and it's really good. Identical, even. How that must annoy you all so much. Still, might as well analyse every single frame, just in case there is a minor discrepancy somewhere, eh? It's not like you have anything better to do.
Crazy Taxi on PS2? No, it's a joke.
Top ten things likely to be overheard at the Phantasy Star Online real-world meet-up
Oh sorry, didn't I mention the wheelchair? If I inadvertently gave you the impression that I was a woman then I apologise unreservedly. I find that drinking a huge amount of alcohol helps me to successfully negotiate social situations. Would you rather just sit in silence? I would. Excuse me, I'm off to the toilets to cry for a while. It's my 30th birthday party next week. Do you want to come? Mum says we can have ice cream. ROFL!!! Sometimes I go to the toilet in my pants because I can't stand to leave my game. Sometimes I go to the toilet in my pants for the warmth - it feels like companionship. I know we've only just met, but I'm lonely, desperate and not getting any younger. Will you marry me? We've got so much in common, I mean, we're both level 100 for a start.
To sleep, perchance to dream about vigorous sex with a blonde tennis player
That can only be the cue for a new Employee of the Week. Concise clue: it's not Martina Navratilova.
Internet reaches logical conclusion
All you people out there with your own web sites -- give up! You've lost! Game over, man! We have seen the ultimate! All web sites are meaningless when compared to the devastating simplicity of www.girlskissing.co.uk. It combines girls AND kissing in a pictoral form. If there's a better site than this in the whole world, we're dot.com millionaires. And French.
Gallery 9, top right image -- our favourite.
Meeting people is easy
You know that feeling in the back of your mind? The one that says you should be doing something more with your life than playing video games all day and browsing the internet? We can't stop that, that's your problem. But hopefully the new UK:Resistance forum will temporarily help you forget your inner angst for a few moments, possibly even making it seem worthwhile carrying on for another couple of days.
Give us your money
In light of the recent upheaval in website financing and internet users' growing immunity to banner ads (bet you can't even notice ours) we're proud to announe the UK:R Gold Card, a new way to receive the best in games coverage. For only £40.00 per month Gold Card members will get all this;
Exclusive news, up to 5 minutes before you can read it on other sites or in newsgroups. Extra content, the same as before but now you have to pay for it. Lots of stuff that wasn't good enough for the main site that we rescued from the recycle bin. The word "exclusive" in every sentence. Not in any way a thinly veiled ploy to stave off imminent bankruptcy.
Finally getting it up again
It always used to be everyone's favourite feature, and it used to be ours too. So why the wait? Why has it taken so long for a new installment of Dave & Maureen's Double Entendre Masterclass to appear? How very poor of us not to keep you satisfied.
Shy girls, sexy girls
Get really close to the screen. Take a good look. Get nice and close like the shifty little voyeur that you really are. But careful, don't get too close, otherwise she may see the barely concealed look of desperation in your eyes!
UKR announces E3 line up
Our games development team will be showcasing the following products at this year's E3 show. Please email your UKR contact if you would like to make an appointment to view any of the following:
Rushed Racer - It's bugged, but we'll release it anyway WWF BiteDown! - Explicit wrestling game targeted at the gay market James Bond 007 Scrabble - Cobbled together from the aborted mess left behind from various failed Bond games Phantasy Star Offline - Educational package helping PSO players to re-learn their real-world social skills. Chapter One: "What are you doing this weekend?" Official Magazine Casino - How quickly can you blow a few million on a worthless official license? Spammer! - Email application that sends automated messages of disgust from Sega fans to PlayStation magazines that now say Sega games were good all along Army Blokes - Something the cleaners made on Yabasic one evening Sim PR Girl - Now she's even better at convincing journalists that she'll shag them
What we're going to do now that Dreamcast isn't around any more
It's the question on the lips of the nation! What is UKR going to do now that Dreamcast is rapidly falling out of favour (if, indeed, it could ever have been considered to be in favour in the first place)?
Here is the current shortlist for what we're going to do next:
Sit around writing poems about girls Think about maybe writing a book Sell the domain name to a British-based neo nazi movement Form a nu-metal band and sing songs about how the system, like, totally sucks Drive around in a van asking people if they want to buy any speakers Start drinking extremely heavily Have a whip-round to buy Future Publishing and make Edge into a magazine about model aeroplanes Send out some photographs of London and tell everyone it's a new PS2 game Just sort of mope around Experiment with self-mutilation Watch previously unthinkable amounts of television Stay in bed wondering what happened to all our youthful optimism
Another obviously unattainable woman
So don't even waste your time thinking about it, you complete loser.
It's
got bells on it
Statements from Sony regarding the non-appearance of The Getaway at the
forthcoming E3 show provide us with a good opportunity to highlight what's
known in the PR industry as bullshit;
More good news for humans
More bad news for Cows
PC 'Hit' Black and White looks like being the latest casualty for non-Dreamcast
release. Expect a statement along the lines of "no longer viable platform
blah blah...concentrate on future hardware blah blah" rather than the
more truthful "We haven't got another six months to get rid of the bugs"
If you are prepared to murder one or more senior members of the royal family so that Lady Victoria Hervey can become Queen, please fill out the form below and send it in, marking your envelopes: The Systematically Murder All Senior Members Of The Royal Family So That Lady Victoria Hervey Can Become Queen campaign.
Together we can make it happen.
"Oh yeah! I remember that! It was brilliant! And it was really funny the way you used to be able to play games on it using one of those joypad things! Wasn't there a Sonic game? Yes! There was! Ha ha ha!"
Girls
Let's be honest, it's why we're all here. Not reading this hopelessly
ineffectual web site, but on the face of this planet. How much would life
suck without them?
Sega to make games shocker.
Rumours had been circulating since Monday that Sega would make a shock
statement at the TGS show in Japan today, someting that would shake the
industry to it's foundations. We can now reveal that announcement. Sega,
a VIDEOGAMES company, will be making some VIDEOGAMES for Microsoft's Xbox
VIDEOGAMES console. Industry experts and gamers alike are amazed by the
stunning revelation. Todd Harris, a visitor to the show told us "Wow,
like..Sega are making all these games for Xbox, I never would have thought
it. I mean Sega..making games...cool". Fanatical gamer Yuki Hazuka told
us something in Japanese that we think was about Sega too. Closer to home,
reaction has been muted. "Shit, you mean I've actually got to buy one
of those hideous Xbox things now?" one British Sega fan said.
UKR Countryside Mercy
Meet
We're all going to the countryside next weekend to help the farmers by
setting some sheep on fire. You can come if you want. Remember to bring
matches and some petrol -- they're really hard to get alight, especially
if it's been raining and they start running.
Reader Update!
Our quest for even more obvious PS2 jokes has been answered! The person
who runs this web
site has kindly sent a REALLY obvious joke about how PS2 "suckzzzz!!!".
Feel free to cut and paste this image into the forum of your choice, accompanied
by your own childish and ill-conceived reasoning about why Sega is best
at everything, even those things that it's clearly not best at by miles.
Like, for example, manufacturing successful video game consoles, and picking
companies that would be good at converting its games to PS2.
Exclusive Caprice endoscope images and ultrasound cross sections!
