Crap Webmaster's Guide to Getting Your Facts Wrong
You lot know how it works - UK:R readers are highly media aware and able to see the facts behind PR lies. You may like to print out this chart and use it to educate your less mentally gifted friends.
|The Facts||The Sony Angle||The Sega Angle|
|New add-on announced||It will revolutionise gaming!||It's a desperate attempt to keep up|
|Software delayed||Delayed to make it even better||Delayed because it's rubbish|
|Sales figures are disappointing||Sales figures are WRONG||It's a disaster!|
|Hardware bugs discovered||Teething problems||Proof of continuing incompetence|
|Shit launch games||But they show such potential||Might as well give up now. Entire corporate body "gets coat"|
|Some elements not in place at launch||Let's just ignore the extra cost and impracticality||It's a disaster!|
Yes [insert web site/magazine name here], we're talking to you!
Games for gossip
Have you seen a particularly viscious (genuine) PS2 quote in the press or on a known website? If you have then send them to us and we'll in turn forward them to top Sega marketing bloke - and star of TV's "Watchdog" - Mark Hartley, who's itching to give away white label promo copies of Crazy Taxi for the best ones. Get hunting.
*Mark forgot to exclude webmasters from the rules, so here's the first winner:
"Playstation 2 is fucking shite and I don't like it." Jon M. www.ukresistance.com 14/03/00
PS2: The shame continues
Look, we don't want to rub it in or anything.......well, actually yes we do. Here's a few choice quotes from IGN's PS2 site regarding Tekken Tag Tournament:
"The crisp looking characters are a bit too jaggy when moving."Oh dear oh dear, when will you people learn. Still, at least it plays DVDs. (just)
"The game in motion doesn't look quite as good."
"..the game was ugly and that it was a sign that the PlayStation2's lack of anti-aliasing and minimal texture RAM was going to be the death of the system."
"Gameplay-wise, Tekken Tag Tournament seemed somewhat slow and clunky."
PS2: Games not included (or wanted)
Shocking (and correct) sales figures have shown that the TOTAL software sales figures for the PS2 launch weekend were as low as 579,322. Which shows that Japanese punters were buying PS2 to primarily use it as a DVD player. Either that or Sony are drastically lying about their day one sales figures. Either way it's nothing like the phenomenon they predicted. Ha ha, you wankers. You WANKERS.
Granted, all corporate PR people are complete lying scum by job description, but that's still going a bit too far even for them.
Game shortage crisis.
Crazy Taxi looks set to smash all DC sales records and is currently sold out in shops across the land, even online stores have a three week waiting list. A recent trawl round the major gaming and electrical retailers saw us unable to obtain a copy and we found some people resorting to drastic methods to try and get one. If you can spare a copy please contact us
FOR SALE: One PlayStation2 video game console, hardly used, bought on false pretences. Initial disappointment forces sale. Contact Box 99856
SWAP: One PlayStation2, wish to swap for Dreamcast. Unable to wait until 2001 for internet access or innovative games. Contact Box 45644
PERSONAL: PlayStation2 owner seeks support group for similar victims of hype. Surely there's more to it than this? Having trouble coming to terms with grief. BOX 22356
PS2 DVD playback shame revealed
Sci-fi epic Starship Troopers is one of the finest technical DVDs available, making it ideal for testing the PS2 DVD playback with that of a regular full-spec DVD player. How does PS2 compare?
Starship Troopers played on a normal DVD player Starship Troopers played on PS2 - noticeably inferior
Playstation 2. It doesn't work.
Here's a list of Playstation 2 problems that you probably won't hear about in the news:1.Excessive fogging and Pop-Up in Ridge Racer V two player mode and only two cars on the track.
2.The memory cards don't work properly.
3.The machines overheat causing freezing and lock ups.
4.Countless DVD playback troubles including sound skipping a la Playstation 1
5.PS2 does not run your life for you, solve Third World poverty or make you cups of tea.
Japanese pressure sales
Here's why those Japanese buy so much hardware - they're exposed to irresistible advertising:
Dreamcast, PS2, X-Box and Dolphin all rendered obsolete by awesome new set-top box!An obvious joke about shooting goes in here. You know how it works by now. She's holding a gun above her chest - so she's shooting over her tits you might say.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Future of Home Entertainment has arrived. Games machines are now obsolete. Discounts for UKR readers have been arranged. Best take a couple of weeks off work to "break her in."
Dreamcast: finally arrived
The new wonder-machine that's set to revolutionise in-home entertainment. Representing the pinnacle of man's evolutionary endeavours - it's a WANKING MACHINE!!!
After a worrying few weeks/months of poor performance, Crazy Taxi has signalled Dreamcast's arrival in the big boys' league. Beating the latest PS ISS soccer game and taking nearly £1m in its first weekend, Crazy Taxi is Dreamcast's first genuine blockbuster title.
Number four in the all-formats hit parade. That makes us happy.
Helping the needy
Edge like using pictures of Peter Molyneux, most people on the internet like using PS2 technical statistics - call us old fashioned, but we prefer using pictures of women for our thrills. It's a lifestyle choice.
Help the needy
Dear UK:Resistance reader, in light of recent tragic world events we feel it's only right to help others less fortunate than ourselves. So, in the true spirit of charity, we have launched the UK:Resistance appeal.
Metropolis: The Big Secret
So what is this "big secret" about Dreamcast racer Metropolis that makes it so damn special? Non Disclosure Agreements have been signed by those lucky few that have seen the near-completed game, with hints that it is no simple arcade racing game - there is... something more.
But what? Here are the current top guesses as to Metropolis Street Racer's big secret:
You own your car - ie, once you've picked it you're stuck with it for the entire game. You have to stick to city speed limits - possible police-chase scenarios. Crash really badly and you die. Uses the internet to upload and download everyone's lap times, creating a national league where everyone competes together, cleverly getting around Sega's online gaming shambles. Best racer after six months wins a car. Accurately recreates driving around Bizarre's Liverpool home. Leave your car unattended for more than ten seconds and it's stolen - game over, yeah! There is no preset course - players have to get from 'a' to 'b' using any route they like. Knight Rider license - Lone Crusader Mode.
*If any game developer would like to feature any of the above ideas in their own racing game, please contact our Licensing Department to discuss royalty fees.
Sonic: cool again
UK:Resistance is brought to you in association with the National Wanking Board of Canada.
Fashion isn't just for women, it's also for homosexuals. If you're a woman or a homosexual, you may be interested in this page which announces that Sonic Team have launched a whole range of Sonic-branded clothing.
Yes, we really do believe you. Really.
"That'ths thuper! Those clothes are thenthashional!" said our fashion correspondent in his fake lisp that "they" all put on.
Sega's European boss JF Cecillion has said there will be no "knee jerk" Dreamcast price cut to boost sales or react to PS2. Apparently, any price cut will be part of Sega's long-term plan.
So expect Dreamcast to be cut to £150 or £99 within seconds of Sony announcing the PS2 Euro release date, a bit like Nintendo's "long term plan" which saw them hack £100 off the N64's price after they realised no one was buying it.
A Sega spokesman said: "Scared? No, we're not scared. Our plan is to... uuuhhh! What was that? What was that noise? Did you hear something? Go and look. Go and look! Uuuuhhhh! Hold me!"
Beat out frustration here
Are you a Sega fan? Feeling frustrated? The join us and work out some of that frustration while viewing the latest Employee of the Week.
A Deacon's guide to telling the difference between PS2 and Dreamcast games
With the hype about PS2 about to make us all sick from lie poisoning, we thought it's about time to point out the differences in performance between the two formats. Make sure you check out our Deacon's Guide to PS2 feature so that YOU can tell the difference between PS2 and Dreamcast. (Hint: PS2 Ridge Racer V is the one that looks shit).
And let's not even mention the DVD playback quality, which our reporter from the show said was "shite". What's all the fuss about?
Powerstone 2 exclusive pics
The PAL release of Powerstone 2 looks set to feature additional characters and weapons not included in the Jap version. Only one sceenshot has been released so far but it looks like the game will reach new levels of comedy-violence.
PlayStation 2 undergoes last-minute redesign
Now that the PS2 is no longer held back by the need to play games - as none of note are available at launch - Sony has redesigned the machine to appeal to the influencial Japanese schoolgirl market.
Two-year-old game comes to Dreamcast: no one cares
Some studio has announced that they're doing a Dreamcast version of one of their old PC games. "We'll probably stick on a few token extra features," sighed a disinterested developer. "The graphics might look a bit better too. Hopefully not everyone will have forgotten about it by the time it limps onto Dreamcast this time next year after the inevitable delays," he added.
A Sega spokesman said: "This is great news for Sega, especially as we've got no games of our own coming out in the near future."
Even robots need love
Didn't get any Valentine cards? Probably a problem at the post office, or maybe the women are so staggered by your looks that they know they won't have a chance and would only be wasting their time and money pursuing you. Yes, that explains it. So why not enjoy a nice Relaxing Wank to celebrate your unattainable status.
Sony sets new low PS2 target
Trade magazine MCV has reported that Sony plans to sell "two million consoles in as many days" which if we're not mistaken, translates as ONE console a day for the next 5,479 years. Come quick! Let us laugh at their error!
UK magazine sales Underachievement Awards
The latest sales figures for the UK games mags have been announced, bringing with them the joys of seeing the mags you like selling badly, while the ones you hate do really well. Same every time. Here are a few highlights, along with AWARDS for particularly outstanding efforts:
Winner!! Edge magazine is proud to retain the Most Comical Sales Award - again!
Winner!! Computer & Video Games managed to lose around 9000 sales, plummeting down to 60,104 - "You lose! You sold less copies!" said a CVG spokesman.
Winner!! Arcade wins a special award for its... performance (26,053).
Winner!! Despite horrific odds (ie, being about Sega) the Official Dreamcast Magazine achieved damn impressive stats of an average 50,653 copies. Despite those cover discs.
Winner!! And despite being noticeably rubbish, Paragon's generically titled Dreamcast Magazine whupped DC-UK (28,857 - beaten by Edge - oh the humanity) with an impressive 41,498.
And even the shite Dreamcast Monthly pamphlet from Quay Publishing sold 26,973, which goes to show either (a) how stupid DC owners are, or (b) how desperate people are for DC mags. It's probably (b).
PS2 DVD Movie fiasco
The much touted DVD Movie playback on the PS2 seems to be more hassle than it's worth, with all the clever features of standard DVD players being omitted and special driver discs being required before you can watch a film. Sony have tried hard to keep this quiet. However, we've been anonymously sent this internal memo that details just how convoluted the whole thing is.
Thinly-veiled woman update
In the absence of anything... anything, take a look at the latest Employee of the Week - so much nicer than all those, those, those video games.
Sony take copyright issue too far
After copyrighting their joypad symbols and forcing magazines to stop using the word "PlayStation" in their titles, Sony are now rumoured to be planning a veto on the letters "O" and "X" from being used in the English language, citing it as a "clear infringement of our intellectual property". We asked the editor of "That Little Grey Console That Plays Tekken - Power" if he could confirm it. "It's a l_ad _f b_ll__" he said.
PlayStation2 Press Release
Sony have issued this press release designed to end the worry about the PS2's dodgy Japanese launch software line up.
Quake 3 Exclusive
While other web sites just get the press release, Sega sent us an exclusive simulation of exactly what Dreamcast Quake 3 plays like. Thanks to Sega's cutting edge network technology, Q3 will look something like this:
WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Screens from D3!
Even the Dreamcast cannot resolve the fact that PLAYING QUAKE OVER A MODEM IS RUBBISH.
Obviously a keen fan of the site, Uber-perv Kenji Eno has exclusively revealed some preliminary design ideas from D3 - the sequel to controversial "tentacle rape" game D2. Check our Exclusive D3 pics now! That'll freak out the Guardian readers.
Lesbians against D2
Fellow women! We must unite and fight this evil game! We will not be treated like sex objects, bowing down to the sexual whim of any passing alien. Join with me! Visit my lesbian protest site at http://www.crosswinds.net/~gaim/ - together we can make the world better!
Electronic Arts: Just Say No
Worrying rumours have emerged that Electronic Arts, purveyors of shite games to the Lowest Common Denominator game buyer, may be considering releasing games on Dreamcast. Or, to put it properly, lazily porting some of their shite PlayStation franchises to the machine in a couple of weeks, then expecting the stupid to buy them. We say:
Exclusive! More censored extracts from D2!
Zammo: Words of wisdom still relevant today
Those squares at Sega USA have been at it again, censoring more bits from D2. UK:Resistance has obtained new and exclusive images of more scenes Sega USA are desperate to STOP you from seeing.
Repeated thrusting! Get your repeated thrusting here!
Those wimpy Americans can't handle a bit of repeated thrusting, what's the world coming to? The censored part of D2 features the famous use of "repeated thrusting" to simulate some kind of bizarre alien oral tentacular rape - nice! But what's this? The nice young lady seems to be rather enjoying it...
Americans: look away now.
Click here to download the proper video movie of the "thrusting" from the game. Can Dreamcast do Shockwave?
VM download page now complete
We've been scouring the interent for the past months, building up an exhaustive and complete selection of all the downloadable VMU games and upgrades that are available. Visit our VM Download Page for the comprehensive list of what's available.
A Christmas Tale
Fancy a bit of relaxing reading to soothe yourself out of whatever physical mess you're in at the moment? Then take a read of the UKR Christmas Tale for a touching, heart-warming tale of Christmas and one boy's hopes and dreams for a better world.
Or maybe you'd rather just look at pictures of women. Either way. Doesn't matter.
Game developer in "sense of humour" shock
When not downloading illegal pornography or playing Quake, games developers like nothing more than "cracking jokes" and "having a laugh." See this screenshot from the latest version of Metropolis: Street Racer for evidence:
For a huge whack of new, hi-res grabs of MSR, pop over to Sega Zone.
GT who? That'll be Gran Turismo 2000 on PlayStation 2, which will probably be out on the PS2 Platinum range by the time Metropolis: SR gets released.
Right-thinking heterosexual update
Enough of the unsavory updates, let's get back to the real reason we're here - looking at pictures of grown women in enticing poses wearing few clothes. Obviously a new Employee of the Week has been added, surprisingly not featuring a Minogue. But it does feature a nice joke about anal intercourse and a woman with a bent nose. You don't get that very often.
More Tomb Raider 5 development news
We've now uncovered an exclusive shot of the auditions to find the new Lara Croft for next year's Tomb Raider game:
Let the games commence!
Okay, the joke's worn out now. If you know anyone else in the games industry who is a child molester, please notify the authorities.
Once completing Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation, Lara gains access to a whole new array of moves, apparently included at the request of one of the game's producers:
"Do that special thing I programmed you to do. Do it! DO IT!"
As a footnote to the below story, we now know that Ken Lockley also worked at Sega for a short time before joining Core. Really. So that's where he got it from.
Genuine sick sex shame of Tomb Raider developer
If proof were needed that Tomb Raider was developed by perverts for perverts, British tabloid newspaper 'The News of the World' has published this shameful story about the deviant nature of a key Tomb Raider programmer, Kenneth Lockley, who apparently has a thing for nine year old girls. This genuine report appeared in Sunday's paper:
"New" Employee added
Gold dust: A story that's like Christmas and birthday rolled into one for UK:R
Okay, so it's only Dannii again. If you're also a stalker of Dannii, you may like to visit her very own web site although the picture section is slightly disappointing (explore the calendar directory for the best pics). Bet Jacques Villeneuve hasn't got his own web site, the bastard.
Dead or Alive 2 launch preparations begin
With only a matter of weeks left until the import release of Dead or Alive 2, the UK government has called in the Army to help with emergency preparations:
Shen Mue: The Gary Glitter Story
Emergency tissue shipments have been flown in to cope with the expected rise in demand
Part Two: Temptation
More RE: CV options revealed
Due to our Japanese friends being upset at the portrayal of semen in video games, Resident Evil: Code Veronica comes with a 'Red Spunk Mode' to make the sex scenes more palatable to our Japanese friends:
Exclusive! Production sketches from PS2 Tomb Raider
Our contacts at Core Design have revealed their priorities for the design of the new Tomb Raider game, and our exclusive copies of early Tomb Raider 5 design notes show just how important realism is to certain aspects of the design. See her superfluous second pair of bosoms!
Sonic: "My Fall From Fame"
Broken, confused, desperate and alone, Sonic has to take any work he can get these days, including pimping his arse to SNK:
Shen Mue: The Gary Glitter Story
"Spare 50p for a saucer of milk, guv?"
Part One, the early years. Lonely and confused, wandering the streets of Tokyo, Glitter seeks comfort from the locals:
[Life]style over content?
God, you wouldn't believe all the extra work the Dreamcast launch has created. We've had to take on extra people just to mop up all the jism and used tissues from the demo area. Not to mention all the time spent arguing about whether the Official Dreamcast Magazine is good, okay, or just shit. What do you reckon? ODM or DC-UK?
Celebrity Letters Shed update!
Only one man can match our appetite for downloading vast amounts of 'adult' material, and seeing as he's got a fair bit of spare time on his hands nowadays, pop superstar Gary Glitter has kindly offered to answer your letters in the new Letters Shed. In return, he simply asked us to arrange a 10Mb/sec ADSL connection for his cell.
Now with lifestyle content
Hey! You! Cool games-playing guy! We know that you appear extremely dull on the outside, but inside, where no one can see, you're probably a crazy, zany, party animal, who barely has time to play games, what with all the smoking drugs and parties with beer. So take a look at our New Lifestyle Feature - it's just like FHM but about games!
Admiral Zorgon's MP3 Orchestra. Of Steel.
Due to our pathetically small consumption of bandwidth, we've decided to start sticking some MP3s on the site - BECAUSE ZORGON DEMANDS IT. And also because having "MP3" on our pages should help boost hits no end. Requests for future Zorgon selections may be made using the messageboard situated below. Now journey to the futuristic world of Admiral Zorgon's MP3 Orchestra. Of Steel.
See also: gay couple Simon and Tony
Remember Sanjay and Gita from EastEnders? What happened to them? They seemed important at the time, but now they're gone no one misses them at all. After all, they were never really the stars of the show, just bit-players who occasionally entertained us in the background while we all wondered what was going on with Grant and Tiff.
Dreamcast and NGPC - The Sanjay and Gita of the console world.
Exclusive news on new Nintendo projects
Our industry spies have gathered EXCLUSIVE news on an incredible THREE new Nintendo consoles, believed to be indevelopment right now in parallel with Dolphin. Take a look at our exclusive development documents revealing Nintendo's new SOS approach:
Or are they just scans of library books a weird reader sent us?
Australia in crisis!
Dreamcast has been delayed to late November in Australia. Not such a big deal you may think, but if Sega don't keep the Australians happy they might stop sending us Minogues. And then we ALL suffer.
First, the good news:
Some stunning pics of Sega GT have surfaced on the internet. Here they are, reproduced in all their glory. Better that all those PS2 shots? Well... some look kind of the same, some look worse and some do indeed look better.
Better, worse, worse, worse, better, worse, better, same. In that order from top-left. The above two look particularly impressive, don't you think?
And now the bad news:
Weekly sales figures for the week after Dreamcast's launch show that PlayStation is still, bizarrely, the country's most popular console purchase:
Sales for week ending October 23:
Let's hurriedly gloss over Sega's figures by having a good laugh at Nintendo:
The second console death we have witnessed, and it never gets any easier. WHY MUST THIS MADNESS CONTINUE? Can't we all just buy Dreamcasts and put an end to all this fighting? HOW MANY MORE MUST DIE?
Sega GT: Homolocation Special
We couldn't let it pass.
Gotta kill 'em all!
While we sit here on the verge of war with France, let's lighten the load with a new Employee of the Week. French women need not apply.