News Archive 11 filled in record time... and just scroll down through all of those quality items! Honestly, you'd think we have nothing better to do than waste our time on... oh right. You're right, we don't have anything better to do.
Import Dreamcast price shock!
Computer Exchange have put their Dreamcasts on sale - for £699.99 each! They have a large number of boxes on display, so this isn't just an initially high price for the first exclusive few - expect the £699 tag to stay until after Christmas. And unless you're planning to own the most exclusive paperweight in all London Town, you'll need some games - VF3 is priced at £99.99! That's almost one hundred pounds! If you don't fancy VF3 (!), July can be bought for £39.99, with Pen Pen at £79.99 and Godzilla at £59.99.
Those of you who have already ordered from a UK importer at a fixed price might be in for a bit of a shock... a bit of willpower to wait until after Christmas will save you a few hundred quid - people don't seem too keen to pay £800 for a DC and VF3 at the moment.
'Soft porn shame' of supposed 'games' web site
Despite allegations that the site has become nothing more than a front for a seedy porn empire, luring CHILDREN in to read with false promises of "features about Sega" and "reviews of games", we've decided to continue with shocking feature Employee of the Week - upload and be damned!
Super console "available in UK" sensation!
The launch day in Japan, and guess what? Dreamcasts are available RIGHT NOW in this country! Bulk-buying multi-chained new-and-second-hand specialists Computer Exchange received a shipment of Dreamcasts yesterday (Thursday) but there is one problem - they're not for sale!
Shop assistant 'probed' by webmaster
In an incredible piece of cutting-edge investigative journalism, we asked the man behind the counter how much a Dreamcast would cost - he said "I don't know, we're not selling them until our head office decides how much we should charge." Apparently a price should be fixed by Monday, which will then see machines officially available.
'Price likely to be higher' - claim
Our man went on to express concerns, saying "They had to pay more than they expected for the shipment, so the price is likely to be a bit higher than we hoped." All of the launch games were on display, so if money is no object you'll be able to get one on Monday.
VF3 in shop window demo sensation!
Of course, the Internet is dying to know what UK:Resistance thought of DC VF3 which was running on demo - it looked... great! It didn't look IDENTICAL to the coin-op, but was close enough that it wasn't really possible to decide why it looked different... maybe more vivid colours and a different resolution, but it's not possible to be 100% certain - the silly people were running it in widescreen mode on a widescreen telly, which will mess up the display a little. The biggest relief is that it looks great, and it looks like a console game, not a PC game, and about, ooh, 95% arcade perfect. Be happy.
Two of Sega's new coin-ops are in town - Spikeout and Ocean Hunter - and they're both fantastic. Spikeout is what coders have been trying to do for the last five years - proper Streets of Rage in 3D. Only instead of normal and slightly old fashioned punching and kicking, the game uses a unique 'charge' system, whereby gamers tap the punch button while also holding down 'charge' to release a second super move at the end of, or during the attack. It works really well, and adds a great deal to the normal punch 'n' kick action. There's also a direction button which helps stop all that running-in-circles by fixing the angle your fighter heads in, making it easier to run away from the bosses and explore the amazing areas.
Dreamcast - it's new and exciting, so everybody wants to buy one for a lot of money now to feel superior and better than everyone else in the pub. Wait 'til after Christmas and they'll be down to around £300, but it won't be as exciting then. Remember Tamagotchis? You can get them for a fiver now. Still, imagine walking home from the shop today with a boxed Dreamcast and a copy of VF3 - about as exciting as consumer goods purchases get. Don't you just love unpacking new things from their boxes? All the manuals and cables. The excitement and anticipation of whether it comes with a plug or not. New electrical stuff always smells the same too, like the back of a telly when it's been on for a long time. I can still remember buying my Saturn you know - it was a warm day in early July, I phoned to order one a week earlier to make sure I got one on launch day, which was kind of a waste of time with the benefit of hindsight, there wasn't exactly a stampede of people breaking down the doors to buy a Saturn. I bought Daytona USA with mine... etc etc
Even with our super-cynical recent frame of mind, it's difficult to find something to moan about in Spikeout... except maybe that it's a quid a go, but that just serves us right for being poor.
Ocean Hunter wasn't working, so we were lying just now when we said it looked fantastic, but it comes in one of those huge sit-down cabinets like The Lost World, plus it uses two-handed swivelling guns to shoot stuff with, and games like that usually tend to be fun. Maybe we'll pop down for a look later on.
One of the less-reputable UK games mags has said that "Sega has confirmed" Dreamcast will be launched at £199 for the standalone system in September next year. No mention was made of the modem (sigh), nor of the release games, so we reckon they were probably just guessing, especially as they made no mention of key Euro-title Metropolis, which as we all know, will be the game which makes-or-breaks Dreamcast in the UK.
After nobody really `got` our messageboard joke thing the other day, we thought we`d better re-affirm our 100% red-blooded heterosexual status by uploading some girly pics in the guise of Employee of the week pronto.
We interrupt this seemingly never ending comedic orgy to bring you some gaming news (shock). This comes courtesy of our old friend Ed at HardcoreGaming, who tells us that although Japanese mag `Famitsu` awarded VF3tb 36/40 in their review, they pointed out a lack of important features, like the fact there is NO `VS` mode! NO tournament mode and the training mode is very limited. Seems hard to believe, but that`s what it says.
Here`s something else mildly amusing that we`ve copied from UK rag `The Mirror`. They revealed that the woman behind the voice of mega-jugged-action-heroine Lara Croft is in fact a 36 year old single mum called Judith, who teaches Ballet and drives a Ford Sierra. Really.
A Ford Sierra.
We've never been ones to blindy swallow the salty PR discharge thrown out by games companies, especially when it can sometimes be blatantly obvious how much rubbish they're talking. With this in mind we present our latest fantastically cynical new feature: Crap Dreamcast Picture of the Week! - our subtle way of reminding you not to get carried away. It's make your own minds up time.
We hope you were joking. You wouldn't believe the abusive and downright offensive suggestions we've had so far for our new logo line. We're sure you all meant them in a kind of post-modern and friendly way, but we were expecting suggestions like "The best Sega site in the world!" or "Fantastic and hilarious games news!" In the end we got these:
Quite-good-and-not-that-offensive suggestions we like a bit:
UK:Resistance - Like choking on information vomit
UK:Resistance - A kind of comedy vitamin supplement for internet Sega fans
UK:Resistance - It's Futile
UK:Resistance - The tit-site that looks like it might be about games
UK:Resistance - Sega games... and MORE!!!
UK:Resistance - The only source for topless women photos that won't get picked up by the website filter
UK:Resistance - Mummy, I want to work for UK:Resistance when I grow up! Can I have a silicon implant for Christmas?
UK:Resistance - Look, Nigel! It's an interweb site from England!
UK:Resistance - I'm bleeding. Why am I bleeding?
UK:Resistance - Tits-weekly
UK:Resistance - Faster Hedgehog, Kill! Kill!
UK:Resistance - In Need of Reverse Viagra
Ones we hope you meant as jokes:
UK:Resistance - A steaming dog turd on the pavement of the Information Superhighway
UK:Resistance - It was good once!
UK:Resistance - Home of Emap rejects
UK:Resistance - More embarrassing than dying from auto-erotic asphyxiation
UK:Resistance - Why bother?
UK:Resistance - Not entirely shit, but getting there
Because YOU demanded it! The feature YOU wanted to see! It's the second sensational update in our earth-shattering new feature - Photographs of famous games characters - WITH THEIR TITS OUT!
A possible future UK:Resistance main logo - unless you know better!
Also helping us in our quest to completely banish all proper news from the 'news' page, while easing our apparent transition from 'games site' into 'soft porn site', here's this week's Employee
One thing that struck us recently is how redundant that line "A safe haven for the few UK Saturn owners" on our logo is, given that there aren't any UK Saturn owners. And probably never were. We're starting to think that we are the only people in the country that bought the bloody four-hundred-quid-doorsteps, and the whole Saturn deal was just some elaborate government conspiracy designed to keep us busy, throw us off the scent and stop us from uncovering the real truth. We've already discovered the real truth (something about dog DNA being put in cabbages to create lovable space vegetables to terraform Mars with*), so there's no need to pretend we care about the poxy Saturn anymore.
So, what we need now is a new 'line' to go on our top logo - and we want you to decide what it'll be!
New top line vote party!
Or to bring another bottle to this multimedia vote party, enter your own idea for a 'line' in the space below. Don't say "We're a load of shit" because that will already be blatantly obvious to anyone who visits. If you send in some good ones we may cobble together some kind of list or feature with them, and even send out a prize if we use your suggestion on the main logo - that's how desperate we are for material!
*Read more about the shocking truth behind the top-level government dog/cabbage/Martian conspiracy in the explosive UK:Resistance Publishing book "Cabbages of the Gods", priced £15.99 and available in all good bookshops priced £15.99. We were talking to the Queen over a cup of tea and a biscuit the other day, and she said she loved the site, however, she also thought it could do with a bit of a redesign. Well, she's the Queen, so we thought we'd better do something.
Instead of spending ages coming up with our own design, we thought we'd try 'borrowing' designs from a few other games sites to see how it would look. After all, the Queen being a patriotic sort she only reads UK:Resistance to get her Sega news, so she's hardly likely to notice!
So to keep Queenie sweet we'll have to start our own redesign! Stay tuned for results!
First we tried copying Sega Japan but it didn't really work. Then we tried copying Sega Europe but it didn't really work either. Then we tried copying SegaWeb which didn't work either. So we tried copying Game Online and that was a dead loss too.
Congratulations! You've accessed UK:Resistance! You deserve a nice medal as a reward for your perseverance with the mega-slow server we're enduring at the moment. Rest assured our undercover operatives are, at this very moment, kidnapping the families of key Demon Internet personnel in an attempt to blackmail them into improving the current "why does it take so long to bloody load?" situation. In the mean time, we'll just continue uploading news for nobody to read, like usual. Here's a look at the standing in our New comedy Feature vote:
Games characters - WITH THEIR TITS OUT! - 34% PlayStation 2 Disinformation - 24% Fake Exclusive Pictures - 16% Carol's Swear Word of the Week - 8% UK:Resistance Photo Casebook - 8% Development Diary - 6% They were all shit. Aren't you supposed to be a games site? - 3%
The UK:Resistance Photo Casebook - the feature that you all think is rubbish and don't want us to do again, which is a shame as we had loads already prepared. And what about Carol swearing? Is it just me that gets turned on by that? Oh. Fake pictures of games birds with their jugs out it is then.
It's another weekend update! We really love our small band of weekend readers, because it means you guys actually spend your own time and money coming to see us, instead of just using us to help waste your day away with your free work/school/college/jail/death row access like that scruffy monday-to-friday bunch. Either that, or you're really sad and boring with nothing better to do at the weekend - in which case we love you even more as you're just like us! And to say thanks, here's your chance to read the new Employee of the Week an amazing 48 hours before those cheapskate freebie slackers will see it on monday!
We thought we would use some of our valuable time to pop down to the Hamley's Arcade in the center of London's trendy West End and play Star Wars Trilogy as it's currently on test there. The result? It's surprisingly rubbish! Imagine playing a second-rate Virtua Cop clone with one of those massive, wobbly PC analogue joysticks, with gameplay that consists of sub-Cop simple shooting action. The graphics are nice enough to visibly arouse Star Wars fans (although most Star Wars fans will already be aroused upon entering an arcade full of small boys), with ace Storm Troopers and those big walking robot things in the bike-speeder level (lack of Star Wars knowledge starting to show), but the need to steer your bike through trees while also targetting enemies with the same joystick ruins the feel somewhat.
The Death Star attack is the other level present in this 40 percent version, but once again this seems to be really simple and slightly dull shooting action. The sound, though, is incredible, thanks to the bassy speakers doing a great job creating the rattle of the engines which vibrates your chest nicely during the compulsory-for-a-Star Wars-game copy of the scrolling intro and big-ship-whooshing-overhead bit, but the rest of the game is just too reminiscent of the original coin-op and piss-poor 32X conversion for comfort.
So to cheer you up again, here's another look at the great Star Wars/Model 3 joke that featured in our banned embargo-busting story that we had to take down a couple of months ago:
"The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of the Model 3 Step 2 arcade board. But how will the ability to destroy a planet compare to the power of Dreamcast?"
Thanks to our favourite source of hardcore gay pornography Cosmic Castrovavla for the "Star Wars-is-in-town" tip.
We have it on firm authority that Sonic Team have been working so hard on Sonic Adventure they've had to draft-in extra programmers to help, and there are currently ten million people in Sonic Team - that's one-fifth of the population of Japan! It's had an effect though, as people who check Sega Japan's What's New Page will just have seen some new Sonic Adventure pictures uploaded. Now with more detail, more locations, and suit-wearing English country gentlemen standing in the backgrounds!
Vote time! Did you like any of them, or were they all shit? Do you come from America or Australia and not know who Carol Vorderman is? Maybe you want to see the naked bosoms of games characters on a weekly basis? Now's your time to vote for your favourite New Comedy Feature and we 'promise' to make the winner a regular feature. One vote per day, and please don't vote for the Development Diary - it took us six months to do just that tiny version.
Click on the small bandwidth-friendly pictures to see the bigger ones (and more new stuff) at Sonic Team's web home, without our childish attempts at humour ruining them.
New Comedy Feature Week Vote Spectacular!
And finally... Features we didn't have time to do:
Remember when we used to do all those votes in the old days? They were never this advanced and fancy. That's the Internet for you.
Games characters' favourite cooking recipes (Next week: Nagi from Last Bronx's Fish Fingers and Hairy Pie)
Leonard Nimoy's voyage through television
Leonard Nimoy's gaming tips
Leonard Nimoy's reasons why PlayStations are rubbish
That "web cam" thing we've been trying to finish for the last year
Pictures of male games characters with their knobs out
Jon's gay porn site of the week
Gary's interactive CV
Photographs of a Saturn in unusual situations
Carol Vorderman presents... visions of videogaming future
And more minority-offending jokes about people in wheelchairs!
It's a weekend update! Not many people read over the weekend though, so we could probably make jokes on Monday about all the fantastic updates we had over the weekend without actually doing anything. But that wouldn't be a joke this Monday, because we have got a fantastic weekend update in the form of two new comedy features to end the special feature week. Scroll down for fun.
It's New Comedy Feature Week! See how the coloured text signifies excitement? Every day we'll be uploading a new comedy feature for your entertainment, proving beyond all doubt that UK:Resistance is 'your one-stop entertainment solution for the lack of Saturn games situation'. Maybe the catchphrase needs a bit of work, but the idea is simple - five new comedy features, and we'll get you to vote for your favourite which will then become a regular feature.
New Comedy Feature Week day one: Photographs of famous games characters - WITH THEIR TITS OUT!
New Comedy Feature Week day two: UK:Resistance Photo Casebook
New Comedy Feature Week day three: Carol Vorderman's Swear Word of the Week
New Comedy Feature Week day four: PlayStation 2 Disinformation
New Comedy Feature Week day five: Exclusive Screenshots
New Comedy Feature Week day six: Godzilla 2 UK:Rampage Development Diary
More news that helped get us banned in Canada! That's not a joke, either. Must be going, I've got some REALLY IMPORTANT things to do with my spare time. *Now where did I put that Vaseline?*