And God said "Let there be news." And there was news. And the news was good. Then God said "Blimey, there's a bit too much news on the main page, let there be some kind of news archive system." And there was a news archive system. And it was quite good, although a bit of a pain to keep updated regularly. And look! Here it is! News from October '97 to February '98:

Gong: Okay, we've counted the votes (we got an adult to help us with the harder sums), so make sure you read the Red Star Award Winners feature, to see who you voted for.

Large: Top Secret news has finally 'leaked' about Sega Rally 2. The new game features at least four initial tracks and cars, including the boy-racer's favourite - the mighty Ford Escort! There's a cute little hatchback Toyota, and something that looks suspiciously like the Lancia Stratos (but might not be - something pointy and cool, anyway). The courses are alledged to look pretty similar to the first game, only with the addition of a superb Scud Race-beating night-time city course. And of course, it looks incredible. Just keep it to yourself, okay?

Nice try, but wrong: The UK:Resistance disinformation department has seen reports that Alien Resurrection will be released on the Saturn in Europe. This is not true - the Saturn version of the game has, unsurprisingly, been cancelled. And with EA's Fifa '98 and NHL Hockey '98 being released about now, it looks like there are now zero third-party Saturn games left to be released.

No, really: The finished UK version of Croc contains one of the coolest bugs ever - when loading the game normally, Croc has no head! All of the baddies are seriously glitchy as well, with the game taking on an almost tragi-comic appearance. Fox Interactive printed a last-minute advice sheet which should be stuffed in with most copies of Croc - resetting the Saturn and putting the CD back in seems to give Croc his head back. Insert the giving/head/Croc joke of your choice in the space below:

My Croc/head joke:

Christmas: While we were sitting by the log fire eating mince pies and watching TV, people were out in the real world over Christmas buying stuff. Here's what happened:

Two week period ending 27th December:
PlayStation units sold: 140,000
N64 units sold: 110,000

Total PlayStation UK user base: 1,900,000
Total N64 UK user base: 690,000

Strangely enough, Sega don't seem to have released any sales figures, although trade mag CTW reckons there were actually 'stock shortages' of Saturn stuff over Christmas. Probably because most shops have stopped bothering to stock Sega stuff, or are keeping it safely hidden away from public eyes. Gary: 12/01/98

Clear out: A resistance trip to the shops at the weekend found the major stores beginning to discount Saturn titles like their American counterparts, with prices starting at £12.99 for the stuff you wouldn`t want to buy anyway, to bargains like Fighters Megamix for £24.99 in Game.

Name news: On trawling through various 'net sites and newsgroup rubbish, one extra-cool name for Sega's new machine was mentioned casually a couple of times - Black Box. Sounds good, eh? And given Sega's dodgy console design skills it's a pretty safe bet, and a descriptive name too. Yeah, we've decided to officially launch a "Hey Sega, call it Black Box" campaign. Let's hope that Sega get their act together and manage to release it 'Ride on time'. Ho ho.

Predict-o-Jon: Amazingly, the below story means I`m one nil up in the 1998 predictions only nine days in to the New year. Hah! Jon:09/01/98

Crap as a cucumber: Do you want full-on, hardcore, 100% accurate, definitive news about the release date of the new Sega console? Yes? So do we, funnily enough, so we got all excited when we heard that Sega were issuing a press release about the new machine today at 5:00pm. Here is a brief summary of the contents of this press release:

NOTHING

Well, not absolutely nothing, just that the new machine definitely will not be released in the UK during 1998. Apparently, Sega will "Continue to support the Saturn throughout 1998", so that's put our minds at rest. No really, we feel much better now, and look forward to a 1998 jam-packed with stacks of quality Saturn releases. Sigh.

Scotched: Don`t believe all that stuff about the latest series of Gamesmaster being the final one. A UK:R spy at a New Years eve bash overheard an inebriated Mr Diamond discussing, amongst other things, the merits of Jo Guests `ample charms`, and also the distinct possibilty of another series. Jon 09/01/98

Joke opportunity: Hooray! Thanks to the efforts of Darwi's Den, a Tasmanian-based Sega site, we are able to use the following joke: "Here's someone that's very big down under!" Probably one of the best jokes of all-time that. Anyway, Darwi gets a link because he said that we're his favourite overseas Saturn site, and we like being told stuff like that.

First the good news: Shining Force III is awesome, and will be officially released over here. Panzer Dragoon Saga is awesome, and will be officially released over here, so hopefully you RPG fans won't top yourselves when you read the following bad news:

Now the bad news: The most over-hyped and anticipated game for years, Grandia, probably won't be appearing in the west. "We will not be translating Grandia at Sega Europe, but that doesn't mean that it definitely isn't coming", said Mark Maslowicz, superstar fake Ferrari-driving babe-magnet product manager for Sega Europe. "Currently there is no deal for a translation, but things can change". Don't worry too much - the UK:Resistance 'Japanese for beginners' course starts soon...

The Future: Great Scott Marty, we've got some proper news! The UK:Resistance time-travel team has reported that the UK Saturn version of Marvel Super Heroes is going to be released on the 24th of January. Hopefully that's January of 1998, although we won't be putting the house on it. Doc: 07/12/98

Return of the Slack: Hey, how ya doing? Sorry you couldn't get through, but we're now officially back from our Christmas sabbatical, and we're ready to continue not updating the site just like last year. Of course, games news will continue to take a back seat as we upload our usual load of crap - crap like this week's Employee of the Week and it's less popular younger brother Great Moments In British History. Oh and remember to exercise the democratic rights that your grandfather fought in the war for - vote in the 1997 Red Star Awards.

Free Gift: Yes, that's right! To celebrate the wonder of Christmas we are, quite literally, giving away this fantastic Christmas Special to keep you entertained while we're on our hols over the Christmas period! Here's a list of the contents:

Fun!
Entertainment!
Puzzles!
Features!
And much, much more!

Yes, that's right! And it's all absolutely free with today's super-soaraway UK:Resistance! Try not to read all of the Christmas Special articles at once, otherwise you'll get bored, and we'll get closed down by the Demon Internet Bandwidth Police. Merry Christmas! Jon & Gary: 19/12/97

Super Queer-os: If we had a phone, it would no doubt be ringing off the hook at the moment with people asking us what's happened to the UK version of Marvel Super Heroes. Well, it was supposed to be released on the 12th of December, but for 'reasons unknown' it has been delayed. People 'in the know' are suggesting it's been put back to January, but there doesn't appear to be a specific date set - let's hope it hasn't been cancelled altogether. If you live in the UK, why not phone Virgin and tell them they're a bunch of complete fu... er, politely enquire about its availability. We got in trouble last time we told you to hassle people. Their number is 0171 368 2255. Hulk is angry. Spidey: 18/12/97

Anxious mothers and spasms: We don't actually have a Japanese correspondent, but fortunately we know somewhere that does. Here's some 'Pocket Monster' crisis updates!

The cause of this sensational panic that has spread right across Japan is the weekly anime series "Pocket Monster" that is broadcast every Tuesday at 6:30. It is widely believed that yesterday's episode contained unusual special effect scenes that sent 651 children (from 3 to 20 years old) to hospital sufferring from convulsions, spasms and seizures! Thousands of other children complained of headaches etc saying that they became ill while watching this episode of Pocket Monster.

With past anime episodes now available at rental stores and a Pocket Monster movie planned for next year, anxious mothers are in a state of panic to protect their children from the dangers of Pocket Monster. As expected the tabloid press have stirred up a sensation by feeding off the Pocket Monster craze and now Japan is caught up in a hysterical state as this problem makes headline news hour by hour!

Emap Images' editor in Japan managed to obtain a recording of this reputedly dangerous Pocket Monster anime episode and examined it (under scientific conditions!) for these "unusual scenes". This episode sees the heroes trapped inside a computer world, having been digitised by a 'crazy professor' who put them in there to battle villians who were stealing Pocket Monsters from inside the computer. He gives them a special man-made creature called a Polygon Pocket Monster to help them, but the computer thinks they are a virus and so tries to elimate them. When the anti-virus software attacks the heroes, the explosions use a special anime effect to make it look a little different from normal (a digital explosion effect). In order to do this they changed the light of the explosion between red and blue very quickly which created a flickering effect.

This flashing light is considered to be the cause of all the illnesses that occurred. Those people (who are prone to sufferring from this condition) who stare at this light (young children are particulary vulnerable) at close range for too long are susceptable to the previous mentioned convulsions, spasms and seizures!

Boredom: Due to a complete lack of any news or anything else to upload, we thought we'd try to educate you all again with a new feature, descriptively entitled Great moments in British History. Feel free to complain that it's not as good as Employee of the Week. Gary:15/12/97

Confirmed: Official news reaches the rather quiet UK:R newsdesk today regarding X-Men Vs Street Fighter. Sega Europe have indeed signed the game for release around Feb/March with the 4mb cart. Nice. Other conversions currently looking superb, include Winter Heat, which is bound to be cunningly released in time for the Winter Olympics, and the latest version of Burning Rangers. Oh, and Panzer Dragoon Saga and Shining Force 3 as well all of which will be released in the first half of 1998. Jon:11/12/97

Epitaph: Oh dear. It looks like the decline of the once mighty Sega Power has reached its ultimate conclusion, with the closing of their latest incarnation Saturn Power. It used to be a great mag - selling over 100,000 copies at the height of the 16bit boom in 1992, but a gradual slide in Sega's fortunes and the general quality of the mag means that the current issue will also be the last SP we'll ever see. Never mind, this month's SSM is cool! Gary: 11/12/97

Rhythms Dick: Do you lie awake at night wondering if Sega Europe musician Richard Jacques thinks that time travel is possible? Do you worry about whether Richard likes top UK band Oasis or not? And what did he think about SaturnWorld's slagging of his Sonic R tunes? Please allow our Interview with Richard Jacques to put your mind at rest. It's an interview par-excellence! Gary:05/12/97

Massive Thrust: It's an everyday event for us to feel the power of huge equipment between our legs, but soon you'll all be able to enjoy it thanks to Sega's new Harley Davidson licensed arcade game. No other details have emerged yet, but it hardly takes a genius to guess that some kind of Model 3 motorbike racing game is on the way. Gary: 04/12/97

Hardly Davidson: Although it doesn't have to be a racing game - how about a Harley Davidson RPG where the leather-clad character rides his bike across America to "find himself", drinking Budweiser, smashing up bars and starting fights with delicate English tourists along the way?

It could even be a beat 'em up where rival biker gangs attack each other with chains, spanners, broken bottles and spare 'Harley Davidson' bike parts. After drinking a certain amount of beer the 'Davidson Rage' meter would reach full power, allowing players to unleash "The full power of the '78 Harley Davidson 1100cc straight cylinder engine."

Send us your own 'comedy' Harley Davidson game suggestion:

News Police: We've just received a written warning from the Internet News Police, stating that we're in violation of the web site code of practise when it comes to updating our site. Apparently, the fact that we've only uploaded two uninteresting news stories in the last two weeks is actually a criminal offence. So to avoid prosecution, here are a few short news stories you might find interesting:

1. Sega Europe will be running a seperate Touring Car time attack competition, with special prizes just for us lucky UK Saturn gamers.
2. UK people with 'net access can still enter the global event competition.
3. We won't be entering though, as Saturn Touring Car is a bit crap.
4. It looks pretty likely that Sega Europe themselves will sign X-Men v Street Fighter for an official UK release with the 4meg RAM cart.
5. Don't ask us about a US release though.
6. We don't care about what gets released in America.
7. Quake is in the shops right now.
8. You need to buy it.
9. Have the News Police gone yet? I think we've got away with it...

Losers: Anyone see the financial news at the weekend? Apparently, Eidos lost 16 million pounds in the last six months. Oooh, shame! 01/12/97

Anytime, anyplace: Have a `butchers` at this week Employee of the Week, especially if you`re Australian.

Superstars: Okay, here it is. You've probably seen last year's Red Star awards by now, and wondered if we're going to do the same again this year. Of course we are! We always try to drain every last ounce of entertainment value from our ideas, so back for another year it's the 1997 Red Star Awards. We're actually asking you to vote for some categories this year, so take your time and have a good think.

Huff: It`s one of those `light news` periods at the moment (as you`ve no doubt noticed). So let`s see what the top selling Saturn game was last week.....it`s Sonic R, entering straight at number one. But it still didn`t sell as many copies as Mario 64 and failed to make it into the console all-formats chart. The only Saturn game to do that in recent months was Resident Evil. Maybe you`re all getting Sonic for christmas, or something.

Buff: Did you notice how we only uploaded one news item last week? And even that was just a re-hash of an earlier story for alledged 'comic' effect. Oh well, at least we can still do Employee of the Week to pass the time.

Unemployment Benefit Force: Despite previews appearing in UK games mags, and the game being shown to everyone at the ECTS show, we now have 'almost' official confirmation that the Saturn version of Fighting Force has indeed been cancelled. Here are a few reasons/excuses that we've come up with:

1. Sony have bought all the rights to 'people' appearing in 32-bit videogames.
2. Core Design saw Saturn Duke Nukem and realised they were crap at programming.
3. Core Design saw Space Invaders and realised they were crap at programming.
4. The programming team are too busy wanking over Lara Croft pictures.
5. They were worried that the game wouldn't get the 'UK:Resistance Seal of Approval'.

Send us your own suggestion for why the Saturn version was cancelled:

Image: The UK:Resistance 'Seal of Approval'

Scaggs: Time for another Employee of the Week and it's a good one, if you ask me. Keanu: 17/11/97

Bore: Some more dodgy news has come to my attention about Fighting Force, one of our readers received a mail from `rapidly-going-down-in-my-estimation` Core Design, stating that the Saturn version has been canned, because "..the machine can not handle what we are doing. Only a handfull of levels would be able to work." That`s funny, they didn`t seem to have much trouble with the far more complex `Croc` did they? Jon:14/11/97

Disappointment: A fair few international readers have been mailing us about Sega Touring Car Championship recently, asking why we haven`t given it much of a mention and demanding that we review it. Sorry to diasppoint you, but the UK mags have all given it a resounding thumbs down, with moans about the poor framerate and glitchy graphics, along with the usual comparisons with the far superior Sega Rally. The bottom line is, it seems to be a poor conversion of an already poor arcade game. Of course, If you still want us to review it, just buy a copy for us. Jon:13/11/97

Our lurking 'eyewitness' has some cool information today, namely details on the now complete Saturn version of X-Men v Street Fighter - it's awesome! Running with the 4-Meg cartridge the animation is unbelievably good, with no slowdown whatsoever even when the unstoppable (and massive) Juggernaut is in action. The extra memory also allows for some crystal clear speech and sound effects. There's more as well, because this elephant-humbling 4-Meg chunk of memory is also backwardly compatible with other RAM enhanced games like Marvel Super Heroes! A UK release is looking pretty likely as well. Gary:11/11/97

Bouncer: Remember when we used to be a games site? Nowadays we're just an excuse to upload pictures of nearly naked girls, under the pathetic guise of Employee of the Week. Strange how it's our most popular feature...

Treat me rough: Have you seen the latest 'cancellation' news elsewhere? Well, add the Saturn version of Ninja to that list, as latest the latest 'industry gossip' suggests that Core Design have indeed canned it. Still, with the Tomb Raider 2 demo being a very disappointing exercise in 'more of the same', and Fighting Force getting the 'thumbs down' from the more reputable magazines, perhaps it's for the best. Gary:10/11/97

Advertise me: Looks like Sonic R is going to be the focus of Sega`s advertising over the next month or so. The TV advert is already running on the Computer Channel, so at least three other people have seen it. The ad` is in the same style as the previous ones, showing off the fantastic graphics of the game and demonstrating one of the secrets, in this case, Sonic in his `Super-Sonic` mode. But is the finished game any good? Don`t ask me. Jon:09/11/97

Play with me: Here's a bit more Sonic R news for those of you gagging for this incredible looking game. There are actually at least five secret characters hidden in the game, and there's a really cool way of accessing them. Once a player wins a normal race, one of the secret characters will appear and challenge you to a one-on-one race! These races are rock hard, with every single shortcut and sneaky tactic needed to win. Once the new character has been beaten, he gets recruited to the team and will become a selectable racer just like the rest. Cool eh? Gary:07/11/97

Foxy: Was it really almost a year ago that we were complaining about the way Sega were distributing copies of Christmas NiGHTS here in Europe? Never mind, as anybody who's still after a copy needs to buy this month's edition of the UK Sega Saturn Magazine as they've managed to get Christmas NiGHTS as a free cover CD! This has been a public information broadcast on behalf of SSM. Gary:05/11/97

Northern Exposure: It`s Employee of the Week time, and another of your nominations. 03/11/97

Free games: Do you want free games? Do you have a lot of spare time on your hands? If the answer to both of those questions is 'yes', then you're probably employed in the games industry. However, don't despair if you can't usually blag your games for nothing, as Sega Japan's boffins have uploaded a Free Game onto their web site. You'll need all the latest Shockwave gadgets to get Woody Pop to work, but once you do it actually plays very well. Watch those 'phone bills though. Gary:03/11/97

L.A.R.D: Latest reports from the software battleground indicate large sales of Duke Nukem 3D in it`s first few days of release, no doubt because of it`s UK:R approval. Why not have some extra fun with the game by trying the really useful `Jevons Control` mode, named after smart-ass-Team-Doll-collector, Dan Jevons. Just pause the game and press YYZZXXYXZ.Jon:1/11/97

Talkative: If you`ve got nothing better to do or you like expensive phone bills, how about talking to some real people. Sega have a new chatroom at their website and promise enlightening chats with really famous people like Steve Hutchins(who?). Or why not try the #Sega IRC channel on efnet. There`s always some really stimulating conversation going on when I pay a visit. Ahem. There`s even a website where `chats` are saved for prosperity.

Blatant: We don't really like publicising other web sites, but I suppose we'll have to make an exception for this one, as new UK games site Game Online is put together by a special team at EMAP Images, the publishers of great UK games mags like Sega Saturn Magazine and Computer and Video Games. They also do PlayStation Plus. A few of the reviews are particularly well written I've noticed. Gary:31/10/97

We knew all along: In a stunning response to our news story from last week, Nintendo have instantly responded by cutting the official UK price of the N64 to £99 last friday, which now makes the PlayStation the most expensive console available. Still, people don't seem to care, as the estimated weekly sales figures for an earlier week were 21,000 PlayStations compared to only 3,000 N64's. Sales figures for the Saturn aren't available, but a reliable source tells us that a bloke in Manchester may have bought one. Gary:29/10/97

Buenos: Time for another Employee of the Week. Due to popular demand this one.

Turning Ranger: Don't be surprised if Sonic Team's future-smash Burning Rangers is given a rather low profile over the next month or so, as word is that Sonic Team themselves have requested that old screen shots of the game are no longer used, pending a pretty severe overhaul of the game's graphics. Expect a 'new and improved' and very different looking Burning Rangers to be revealed closer to the game's December Japanese release. Yuji: 27/10/97

Maggots: It's being hailed as one of the best Saturn games of all time, but we all know that means nothing unless a game has received the 'UK:Resistance seal of approval'. So make sure you read Jon's rather exclusive Duke Nukem 3D review to see what we think. Oh yeah, it's a review of the finished PAL version, just in case you were wondering.

Facts 'n' Figures: Here are some statistics you might find interesting. But probably won't. Still, at least we can have a laugh at the already dwindling performance of the N64. We predict a desperate last-ditch £99 N64 price-point to be announced in the next few days following this announcement...

Percentage UK market share by console format for the last six months:

PlayStation: (May 59%) (June 55%) (July 62%) (August 59%) (September 64%)
Saturn: (May 8%) (June 8%) (July 7%) (August 9%) (September 10%)
N64: (May 21%) (June 24%) (July 18%) (August 14%) (September 13%)

Thwack: Another young pretender has risen to the challenge of taking on VF2 as the best Saturn beat `em up. Yes, it`s Last Bronx, and here`s a review for you.

Update: Her dad was single-handedly responsible for making kids all over the country want to become scientists, and now she's our tenth (week) anniversary Employee of the Week. But who can she be? Gary:21/10/97

Second coming: Notice anything strange happening? Shops selling out of the latest titles? Saturn magazines increasing their sales? Well it`s true, there seems to be an upturn in the Saturn`s fortunes at the moment. One of our frontline resistance spys (bloke who works in a shop) reports large sales of games like WWS 98 and even the console itself has been outselling the N64. What could be causing this? An alingment of the planets? A top secret subliminal advertising campaign by Sega? No, we reckon it`s bored Playstation owners looking for a console with proper games. Jon:18/10/97

Back to school: Remember those specs that were published a while back about the Hitachi SH4 processor? You know, the one that's rumoured to be in the new Sega machine? Well, in case you were as confused as we were, we've prepared another Educational Feature all about what those specs mean. We actually had some help from a top computer boffin bloke called Simon, and this explanation is so comprehensive and simple that even our Australian readers should be able to understand it. Well, maybe. Gary:16/10/97

Out done: You know what? We thought we were being really clever when we had the chance to do a little interview with the Saturn Ubercoders at Lobotomy Software and we decided to send them a list of comedy questions, instead of the usual 'technical' queries. The answers, however, are much more disturbing than we ever imagined, and the rather cool Lobotomy v UK:Resistance Interview is now uploaded for your reading pleasure, and remember folks, this is a genuine feature - which is quite frightening when you think about it...

Sold out: Don't worry, we haven't sold out. I'm talking about Dead or Alive which has completely sold out across Japan, only one week after its release. Probably because it's a great fighting game, and nothing to do with the fact that it contains bouncy girls. Gary:14/10/97

Who?: It seems like we do have some real `red-blooded` readers after all, as we have actually received some nominations for the Employee of the week section. Have a look at this weeks, but have you heard of her?

Update: Our lovely release dates section has been updated, courtesy of the newly designed (and half-finished) Sega Europe web site. They seem to trying a bit harder these days, as the old Sega Europe site was a bit rubbish to be honest.

Weekend fun: Here's something for you all to think about. You know how everybody is saying how great Saturn Dead or Alive is? Well, every time the game is completed with a certain character, a new costume appears for them. Each new cossie (some characters have seven) is generally skimpier and more revealing than the last one, until one of the pneumatic girls fights wearing just a bikini! This reveals a quite outstanding use of gravity and flesh tones, which will no doubt be packing games mags for months to come... Even better news is that the game itself is approaching the legendary VF2 in the graphics, playability and depth departments, with a really tough one-player challenge, and huge selection of moves. Slightly murky news about a UK release though, as everyone seems to be denying all knowledge at the moment. Gary:09/10/97

Update: Just like those concrete tower blocks from the sixties, our old links page seemed like a good idea at the time. However, time has not been kind to our "quite frankly amazing" former page, so we've put together a new low maintenance links page to entertain you all. Don't cry if your site isn't included, and feel free to suggest any additions. Gary:09/10/97

Well there you go. Don't go plucking any other apples from other web sites, will you. Oh and thanks for reading. At least we're still going, eh? Unlike poor ol' G-Man who seems to have run out of steam. That's a shame. We liked his site in a kind of ironic post-modern way. Cheers.