A 'bio port' at the base of your spine?! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PLUG YOUR DREAMCAST INTO YOUR OWN BIO PORT!
eXistenZ press release fun!Arsenal players "stunned" by Dreamcast!
Ah, the humble press release. It is food to the news hungry, succour to the weary journalist and always good for quoting out of context for a cheap laugh. Like this:
"eXistenZ combines science fiction, horror, action adventure and humour in a futuristic thriller about the ultimate game - a new organic game system that is plugged into your central nervous system via a 'bio-port' at the base of your spine"
"I'm a famous movie star, adored by women, rich beyond measure and now Sega have given me a Dreamcast for free. Yes, life is good for me, the famous actor Jude Law! How I pity and laugh at you common people! Ha ha ha ha! Look! Look at me! See how much better I am? Ha ha ha! I'm not smiling at the camera, I am LAUGHING at YOU!"
A 'bio port' at the base of your spine?! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PLUG YOUR DREAMCAST INTO YOUR OWN BIO PORT!
"Look at the screen! No, the SCREEN! Try to look like you're having fun"
Player one: Can it play Tekken 3?No way Jose!
Sega PR person: Er, no
Player two: Can it play Gran Turismo?
Sega PR person: No
Player three: Can it play Resident Evil 2? That's brilliant!
Sega PR person: No, no it can't play that
Player four: Can it play Ridge Racer 4?
Sega PR person: No
Player one: Well what's the fucking point then?
Sega PR person: ...
Hacked Game Online - we currently post under 26 different names on their forums
Futons - kind of like chairs, but for posh people (bed pictured)
Webmasters to star in new Star Wars flick!
Okay, we couldn`t tell you this before due to a stringent `Non-Disclosure agreement`, but with the new Star Wars prequel `The Phantom Menace` only weeks away, we are now allowed to reveal our roles in the most anticipated film of the century. Check out this screenshot and be sure to look out for us when you see the movie.
Curious (lack of) Orange (or blue)
These are the shirts that Arsenal will be wearing for at least the next three years - note use of traditional Sega logo rather than the expected Dreamcast branding. And the news was in all the papers today.
Aaagh! The nu-wave French Mafia are taking control! With "French" Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger (right) filling his team with "French" players and giving the shirt deal to "French" Sega Boss J-F Cecillion (middle), it surely won't be long until we're all forced to not wash and shrug our shoulders arrogantly when questioned about any subject. We don't know who the man on the left is.
Dreamcast exposed on TV!
Sega's £12m sponsorship of Arsenal Football Club has been confirmed today, resulting in some major TV news coverage for Sega. Dreamcast has actually been featured on loads of news programmes today, as the Arsenal deal is made officially the biggest-ever footie sponsorship in the UK, and the press conference saw players and Dreamcasts on telly. Basically, Arsenal is one of the top three biggest teams in the UK (akin to Sega America sponsoring the San Francisco 69ers or the Dallas Rentboys), and this is very big news here. No doubt the papers will be full of pics tomorrow too. A good start!
The joypads have been substantially redesigned for the UK machine, with Sega chosing a controversial 'round' style. There are an extra two buttons underneath.
Sega Europe - help with maths here
Hmm, Dreamcast will sell for $199 in the US. That translates to £122 at current exchange rates. But no! Dreamcast will launch on 23 September at £199. Why? We know companies are obliged to rip-off UK consumers, but surely more 'balls' are required if the machine is to compete with a giveaway PlayStation? The games had better be damn cheap, that's all we can say.
Vote with your browsers today, and with your wallets in September
New Metropolis screenshots
The lens flare effects are incredible!
Strange, but probably true
Here's something so ridiculous even we couldn't believe it - a bona fide news report from FGN Online yesterday:
Japanese DC Details
Multi: Seaman, the upcoming Dreamcast title centered around a fish with a human head and controlled using the microphone peripheral, will incorporate a Log Data system, similar to Tecmo's Monster Farm.
Yeah, right! Who's been sending fake emails to FGN again?
UK web site 'popular with Brians' shock
Two years ago, a man called Brian got us to post something on the site. Incredibly, we have now been contacted by another man, also called Brian, who also wants us to post some of his stuff on the site. The fruit of this incredible second Brian-related incident can be seen here as B2 gives us his... thoughts about... things.
If any other people called Brian would like to get involved in the site, please mail us
It's just occurred to us that the girls from top pop group B*Witched perfectly represent the phases you would go through when morphing a picture of a man into a picture of a woman. Here, allow us to illustrate:
B*Witched - Irish pop group or failed genetic experiment to create singing hermaphrodites?
For more information on "top" Irish "girl" group B*Witched, click here!
Jailbait Employee updated
Ah, the innocence, the fresh-faced beauty, the youthful enthusiasm, and most importantly, you don't get any saggy and overly hairy bits on the young uns! Take a look at This Week's Employee to see American youth at its finest.
Easter Letters Shed special
Was it not Jesus who said "He who reads the UK:Resistance Letters Shed shall get to go to heaven and eat lots of Easter eggs"? The eggs symbolise the spaceships that Jesus flew to heaven in, and the chocolate represents, er, the Holy Poo of Jesus that we eat to show our respect. Come, celebrate the resurrection in this week's Religious Letters Shed!
PlayStation 2 'rendered obsolete' by Dreamcast
We have a saying in England, it goes: "Bloody hell! Have you seen the new pictures of Metropolis on Dreamcast?" It also heralds the dawn of a new UK:Resistance feature, in which we showcase incredible DC games and invite Sony to KISS OUR ASSES!
WORLD EXCLUSIVE Dead or Alive 2 Preview!
We've been following it since the initial Naomi shots appeared, and now we've scooped the world with this sensational Dead or Alive 2 Preview! Many of the moves and costumes from the game are revealed right here, in our no-holds-barred extreme close-up preview of the game. It's incredible! (Can we get away with this?)
Employee feature has life in it yet!
Anyone get the impression we're bored, waiting for the Euro Dreamcast launch? Here`s Employee number 48
European marketing plans revealed!
UK News shortage broken by "disappearing gingers" scandal
Did you ever wonder what happened to all those ginger-haired kids you went to school with? There were loads at my school, but I haven't seen a ginger in the 'real world' for years now. Are the government trying to cover up this ginger menace? Does the stress of being ginger make them all die really young? There are rumours of a secret town in Scotland that's not on any maps where they put all the gingers once they get to 18. My friend Paul Chadd was ginger and no one's seen him since we left school, so there must be something in it. Here's this week's Employee of the Week.
It's too easy
Community news update
Item one: The fund for repairs to the Church roof has now reached £5,550, thanks to the £69 raised by the bring & buy sale held at St. Joseph's primary School.
Item two: A dog which answers to the name of 'Colin' has been lost. Please contact Mrs Miggins on 0171 510 5953 if you see a dog.
Item three: The monthly single-parent lesbian support group meeting has been rescheduled from Saturday 17th to Saturday 23rd March, to avoid clashing with 'Dykes on Bikes' which was also due to take place on the 17th.
Item four: Mr Deacon has lost a shoe. Please contact Ernie Roberts on 0171 986 5698 and leave a message.
Item five: Sega X and SegaWeb are holding what they call a "Sega Fan Arcade Crawl" on Saturday March 14th, in London, at the Namco WonderPark. You can play games with like-minded people, and trade ICQ numbers and porn site addresses with your (second) favourite webmasters. We'll be there, masturbating in the corner by the Dead or Alive machine and scaring all the children, as usual. Hassle SegaWeb or Sega X if you want more information.
"Fake screenshots hell" of UK Dreamcast developers
Remember Climax? The UK company that announced that boxing game which was the first time anyone ever publicly admitted doing Dreamcast stuff? (and got a bollocking for breaking the NDA, according to gossiping little birdies). They've updated their web site with some "screenshots" of said boxing game! Only the thing is, the "screenshots" are so obviously fake mock-ups there's nothing to get excited about. Unless you appreciate Photoshop skills. Click on the pictures to make them bigger so you can see what we mean:
"Oof! Dammit, why do I always have to play as the bloody white guy?"
My under-age transexual lesbian husband is really a horse, and has been cheating on me... with a small English shed!
Go Shed! Go Shed! Go Shed! Go Shed! This week, trash-king Jerry Springer has kindly agreed to answer your letters, plus we've even answered a couple ourselves this week to make it look like we give a damn. Read the new Letters Shed here!
(Below) Number one in our series of suggested marketing campaigns for Dreamcast:
Dreamcast - rather popular with the ladies
Exciting "dual format" update!
You have two choices - a serious business news update, and a non-serious pornographic feature. Let your conscience decide!
Option one: Serious Japanese business news
Option two: Photographs of famous games characters - WITH THEIR TITS OUT!
Dead or Alive 2 triggers "trouser overload" sensation
Do you want some boring news about how Sega are officially talking about the modem being a definite and their plans for online Sega Rally 2 at Euro launch, or do you want some MORE PICTURES OF DEAD OR ALIVE 2? We can read you like a book:
These are GAME shots - how crap does VF3 look now, eh? These are the first game pics which could genuinely be mistaken for artwork, and not just by stupid people. This would catapult Dreamcast into media-frenzy heaven if it's launched over here. Look - we're creaming ourselves over a few little pictures! It's so beautiful I want to cry. And touch myself discretely under the desk.
Pics from Segaholic and bloody grateful for them we are too.
Oh yeah baby, OH YEAH BABY!
Uh uh uh! Grrr! Yeah baby! Uhhh-huhhh! Dead or Alive 2! Dreamcast... looks as good as VF3... uh uh uh... but has WOMEN in it. Uhhhhhhh! Big Women! REAL WOMEN! Mmmmm ha ha! Oh yeah, come on, you want it, you WANT it don't you? You dirty boy, you dirty DIRTY boy! COME ON! Imagine the fun. Imagine all the moves she can do. This game MUST be a US/European launch title, it would get every mag in the country hyping it like nothing else! THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST VIDEOGAME OF ALL TIME!
"Mum, I'm going to my room to play DoA 2 for a bit. Do not come into my bedroom or open the door unexpectedly. I will tell you when it is safe to come in. Do not come into the room. I'm not going to DO anything, I just want some privacy to practise my combinations and reversals. On my own. Please do not come into my bedroom."
Modem confusion deepens!
Another twist in the now long running "Will they, won`t they" Euro DC modem issue has emerged with the revamped SOE website now proclaiming the modem to be an "optional add on". Whether this applies to the whole of Europe or not is unclear. Basically, we just haven`t got a bloody clue, ok? Meanwhile, a German Sega rep. has stated that the Euro launch for the console will be September 9th. Rumours that the date will be moved to September 1st to coincide with the 60th anniversary of the invasion of Poland are unfounded.
Web site fingers the people responsible!
Who the fudge are Tivola Electronic Publishing? And what's so damn special about their poxy little logo anyway? Now we have to put up with boring old blue, you UK-based bunch of family-oriented obscure edutainment software publishing bastards. This is the reason Sega had to change their logo to blue in Europe:
UK:Resistance fact: We've had this logo on our files for six months, and were planning to do a "comedy feature" about things in the real world which look like the Dreamcast logo. Never got round to it, which is a shame as we'd have done something relevant for once.
'Kin 'ell! Sega Europe in double-cool MEGA site update!
They're alive! Godammit, they're alive! Sega Europe's site has been redesigned TODAY with tons of new stuff, along with officially blue logos and colour schemes! Not too much in the way of new content yet, but it's a very cool design with loads of posh technical stuff. Bodes well for the future, and for once Sega Europe hasn't got the worst site of the lot! It's lovely, take a look.
One of Sega's official Dreamcast logos. Note prolific use of blue. Nice web site.
Former employee gains rather large amount of pleasure from previous company's business misfortunes
The latest Audit Bureau of Circulations figures show a DEVASTATING decline in magazine sales in Emap Active's games division, lead by PlayStation Plus which has PLUMMETED a sensational FOURTEEN PERCENT to a horrendous figure of only 84,045 a month. Bargain-priced multi-format magazine C&VG has also seen its sales AXED by an incredible 491 copies a month to a SHAMEFUL 78,485 - the LOWEST sales figure the magazine has achieved since the last ABC figures were published six months ago.
Here's a bar-chart we've prepared that makes things look even worse than they already are:
Some good news for Emap, though: Edge magazine still "doesn't count" with a meagre 27,354. That's even funnier. If anyone from Emap Active or Future Publishing is considering a change in career, feel free to email us your CV and talk to us in confidence about the junior journalistic positions we currently have at UK:Resistance.
Letters Shed struggles on
We like having mental readers, it's much more fun than getting boring letters about games and polygons and stuff like that. See this week's Letters Shed for more unhinged nonsense - also with CELEBRITY GUEST letter answerer!
Here are some highlights:
"They don't shave their pits or change their undies regularly"
Investigative journalism alive and well in UK
"Hillbilly thigh slapping jug blowing cousin rooting moonshine drinking pick-up driving..."
"Hello - it's Richard Whiteley from TV's 'Countdown' here"
"Give it up for the whistle krew! Peeeeep peeeeep!"
Sega NEVER update their European web site. That's a fact. Their most recent Dreamcast press release is three months old (and the link to Sega Germany doesn't work at all). So... why have they added a banner advert on the main page linking to Telinco Free Internet Access? They NEVER update the site, but have ADDED A BANNER TO A FREE INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER on their main index page. Does this tell us something?
Plus, they've poorly Photoshopped the swirl completely off the Dreamcast logo, which either means they couldn't work out how to adjust the colour balance (image>adjust>hue/saturation>colorize), or maybe, just maybe, there's a whole new design being put together. Blue is a boring old colour.
A nice example of the hue/saturation colour manipulation feature in Photoshop 5. Sega Europe webmaster take note.
Web site votes itself best in world
Proving beyond all doubt that UK:Resistance is the best* games web site in the world, it's another edition of our award-winning* feature Employee of the Week.
*Voted by us. Other sites not considered.
Another rejected design for our new logo.
Sega Europe confirms modem in EVERY machine!
A couple of days ago, Sega Europe issued a seemingly mundane press release about their marketing department employing more people to help with the big Dreamcast push. The release, headed "Sega Appoints European Marketing Team" starts with this bean-spilling announcement:
"In preparation for the European launch of Dreamcast, the internet-ready 128bit
digital entertainment system, Sega is ramping-up its European Marketing Department..."
See? Sega are officially refering to Dreamcast as "internet ready" - despite the lack of an
official announcement it seems they've already begun hyping Dreamcast as your all-in-one games
and internet solution!
All Sega have to do now is sort out some free 'net access - companies like Freeserve manage to make money by doing it, and it's their only business. A £200 terminal with straight-out-of-the-box, user friendly and free internet access, which just-so-happens to have some of the most amazing-looking games ever made, would be the biggest thing to hit the UK computer/games market since... No! It would be THE BIGGEST THING TO HIT THE UK COMPUTER/GAMES MARKET EVER!
Thanks to 'The World's Biggest 2Unlimited Fan' for the text of the press release.
Get ready for this! Celebrity Letters Shed special!
Continuing our quest to prove to the world that swearing is indeed cool, it's time for another update of our Letters Shed - this time with a celebrity guest! Yes, that's right, there really are 'No Limits' when it comes to entertaining our 'Magic Friends' this week, as we're joined in our gaming 'Twilight Zone' by pop 'Workaholic' Ray from 2 Unlimited! Ray has kindly agreed to rap answers to all your letters, so 'Let The Beat Control Your Body' and get down and do a 'Tribal Dance' to the rhythm of this week's Letters Shed!
One of the rejected early designs for our new logo.
Sega Finalises Dreamcast plans
Sega, the Japanese videogames group, hopes to sell nearly 7 million of its powerful new Dreamcast games systems worldwide by April next year, according to Shoichiro Irimajiri, president.
Orchestrating a successful launch for Dreamcast, the first 128-bit games machine, is essential for Sega, which reported its first loss last year after it expensively developed Saturn games system was trounced by Sony's PlayStation and N64.
Dreamcast, which combines speedy, realistic three-dimensional graphics with an Internet connection, was introduced in Japan before Christmas. Having sold its first run of 500,000 players, Sega expects to sell a further 500,000 in Japan, and 5m software titles, by the end of March.
The group, which recently announced plans to recapitalise through a Y50bn ($430m) convertible bond issue, is finalising plans to launch Dreamcast in the US and Europe this September.
Mr Irimajiri said early sales in those regions, coupled with strong growth in Japan, should push sales of Dreamcast players to 6.8m by the end of March 2000.
Only five software titles, including Virtual Fighter [sic] and Sonic Adventure, were available when Dreamcast went on sale in Japan [double sic!].
It has not yet decided on a software strategy for the US and Europe, nor on pricing. The Dreamcast player retails in Japan for Y29,800 ($256). Nor has Sega determined whether Dreamcast will have the same level of Internet capability in those regions as in Japan.
The Japanese research suggests Dreamcast's dual function as an Internet connector is an important selling factor there.
You see? We don't just read the Daily Star.
Sega Germany launches attack on Europe
The Dreamcast will receive its first official public showing in the Western world next week, as Sega Germany put together a high-profile stand to dominate the Nuremburg Toy Fair - due to take place next week - and start building momentum for the Euro-cast, after all, Germany is the second most important country in Europe.
Thomas Zeitner, head of Sega Germany, who have recently moved their head office from Hamburg to Dusseldorf. No doubt they'll soon be moving it to Paris, Moscow and Rekjavic, unless we do something to stop them.
Letters Shed makes it to second week!
Thought you would've all got bored with it by now, but no! Your letters have continued to seep in, like puss coming out of the scabs on the backs of those skanky dogs homeless people have. To keep your motivation up, we're proud to announce all future letters will receive a prize of TWENTY POUNDS!* Yes, £20* for every letter we print! For your chance to win £20* read this week's Letters Shed and send us a letter - you may win £20!*
Here are some highlights from this week's efforts:
"My favorite swear is 'Bitch-ass-whore-Christ'"
*Prize paid in UK:Resistance credits. Credits redeemable only at the UK:Resistance shop.
Shop still under construction.
"I want more pictures of women, and so should you"
"How about 'evil bondage past of Chun Li?'"
"Tie them both to a tree and have them shot for their heinous crimes"
"I'm from Canada"
UK web site 'shamed' by gratuitous pictures of women
God, how embarrassing. There's SegaNet with their huge, in-depth reportage on serious Sega issues, and what have we got for you today? A picture of some bird of the telly we fancy who most of you have probably never heard of. By the way, to add a bit of local information to SegaNet's 'Sega to sponsor football club' story - Arsenal is a rubbish football club, famous for being boring and never scoring any goals.
Letters page advice
You know how the government sometimes says that doing things is good for you? You know, like eating lots of bread makes you live forever? Then, six months later, a group of scientists come along and say the total opposite, like eating lots of bread actually gives you cancer and makes you die really quickly? Confusing, isn't it? We're having a problem with the Letters Shed along those lines - we wanted you to be "funny" but now you're all trying too hard and are being rubbish by mistake. WE WANT SOME SERIOUS LETTERS! Go to the Letters Shed and send us a serious letter asking us about PAL TV systems, or polygon rendering or something technical, otherwise the Letters Shed might get sad... and you KNOW what happens then!
"Dreamcast is for girls" claims French Sega Europe head
The latest issue of Edge magazine (incorporating What Peter Molyneux And Jez San Think About Things Monthly) contains an interview with Jean Francois Hi-ho-hion, French head of everything at Sega Europe. He was asked about his ideas for the marketing approach he would take with Dreamcast. As well as saying that he STILL hasn't decided about the modem in/out issue, he made the shocking claim that FEMALE gamers would be a major target he would like to tap into with Dreamcast, as well as younger gamers - citing the fact that Sony have pretty much sewn-up the 25-35-year-old male bracket. You see? This is what happens when you let the French take control.
No doubt this is the colour scheme Jean is planning for the "girly" UK machine. Launch titles are expected to include games about riding ponies and being in love.
Let's all link-up in the year 2000
I've been saving that headline for ages. Sega today issued some excellent news about their UK modem plans - they are currently in talks with Cable and Wireless and British Telecom, with both companies putting in bids to handle Dreamcast's online capabilities. The fact that the two biggest telecoms companies in the UK are fighting to get on the Dreamcast team all but confirms the modem will be in every machine. Which is a very, very good thing, especially if they manage to put together a Freeserve-style* no sign-up fee approach.
Here's a song about today's news:
Let's all link-up in the year 2000,*EXCITING UK FACT!
Won't it be strange when we can all downlo-oh-oh-oad,
Be there, two o'clock, by the server access node.