Mein Dreamcast ist nicht hier. DAS IST UNACCEPTABLE!
Sega Deutschland has announced it shipped 98,000 Dreamcasts to retailers, leaving many German shops with only half the units they requested. "What we have been supplied with bears no relation to the exisiting preorders from our customers," said one German retail boss.

It's understood the problems were caused not by a shortage of actual stock, but by Sega's German distributors mysteriously amassing huge stocks of consoles along the French, Austrian and Polish borders.

GEM launch counter-offensive!
British Dreamcast distributors GEM are set to counter, with a sensational liberation that will end Sega Deutschland's reign of distribution terror, by shipping thousands of Dreamcasts into Europe on DC-Day.

Everyone's doing their bit. Good luck, GEM.

UK boycotts French goods!
True story - as public outrage against the French continuing to ban British beef grows, many UK supermarkets are reporting significant drops in sales of French products as the militant UK consumer gives old Bertrand one in the eye for democracy.

With a Frenchman in charge of Sega Europe, could this boycott damage sales of Dreamcast? Should JF Cecillion get the sack before his frenchness does damage? Should he be strung up by his string of onions to serve as an example?

Rayman was unavailable for comment.

Asterix: the sum total of French culture. That's what a diet of cheese and onions does for you.

Sega: happy
The relentless flow of smug press releases from Sega continues, with news that 350,000 games were sold across Europe over DC's first days. 86,000 of those were Sonic Adventure and 72,000 were Sega Rally 2, despite the "political" lack of a 60hz mode and slightly iffy PAL conversion.

Mind you, if we had review copies we would've given them both 99%, as we're very open to bribery of any kind.

FACT! 350,000 multiplied by £35 makes £12.25m, just about enough to cover the sponsorship of European football failures Arsenal.

A photo sent out by Sega to publicise Dreamcast. Can you spot the deliberate mistakes? Click here for the answer!

Celebratory wank
To celebrate Dreamcast selling, ooh, loads, here's the latest Employee of the Week to aid the fun. (Note to people in offices: A large coat draped over your lap on the pretence of "being cold" allows subtle fiddling to take place in secret).

Huge launch rocks UK!
A massive budget, fevered anticipation, rampant crowds, huge demand - yes, UK:Resistance broke all records for pre-downloads in the weeks leading up to its relaunch.

But there was also another high-profile launch this week, which saw the almost-as-anticipated Dreamcast arrive.

Apart from a few moans about the 'net access not working (due almost certainly to tens of thousands of people hitting it simultaneously), it's all gone rather well. Despite Sega's best efforts to create the usual "stock shortages" panic that accompanies every hardware launch, there are plenty of DCs piled in shops across the country.

And with pre-orders of over 40,000 in the UK alone, there's little danger of recreating the Saturn's tragic demise (Saturn sold 2-3,000 machines in its first weekend).

The UK:Resistance relaunch party was a low-key affair.

Important site news
  • We're now hosted by Dreamcast-HQ which is a nice site, with the advantage of having no Argentine links.
  • We shall be launching ALL-NEW features as soon as we're settled in.
  • Yes, the forum is a bit rubbish, but it's easy to set up, quick and free.
  • The frames don't line-up properly in Netscape, but that's the price you pay for making your token anti-Microsoft gestures, Netscape-geeks.
  • Normal low-frequency updates will continue as normal.
  • We still need Letters to make the shed happy. The shed is currently VERY SAD.

    The very latest British web technology has been employed to take UK:Resistance into the year 2000 - and beyond!

    Dreamcast Launch Party - the only thing not on display was dignity
    By simply acquiring photographs from Sega's PR people, we are able to create the illusion that we were at the Dreamcast launch party, while also avoiding the inevitable loss of dignity that comes from being in a place where vodka is free and people are around.

    Adam's attempts to get into the VIP area grew more elaborate as the evening progressed.

    Some people having fun (fun not pictured).

    A famous rich man, who achieved stardom by simply PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES' RECORDS.

    The impact of the Dreamcast demo units was lessened slightly by perspective.

    ECTS - the only thing not on display was dignity
    Sega didn't invite us to their party, so here's a bitter, hateful ECTS report about how shit Sega is and how Sony and Nintendo had loads of great games and how much we love them more than rubbish Sega. And they can stick their crappy parties with "celebrities" like the ugly ones from Boyzone that aren't Ronan that no one likes or knows their names anyway.

    Not really! Dreamcast was everywhere thanks to the huge third-party support (and companies wanting their stands to look pretty with DC games), with DC easily overpowering N64 in the number-of-games department and any DC developers giving top-billing to their sexy new product.

    The best entertainment was provided by Konami, who had professional dancers gettin' maaad jiggy on their dance game Dancing Stage to much applause. Not Dreamcast related, but fun nonetheless. Sony had a video of PS2 running in a very small room. This room was full of sweaty people and smelled bad.

    There weren't so many cheap whores handing out leaflets this year, the show somehow seemed more 'professional' than usual. I think it was because Dreamcast was there and people were making more of an effort to impress. Maybe it was because it was a Sunday and people were mindful of respecting the Sabbath and thinking about Jesus. Dunno, but it seemed more grown up this year.

    Of course, 99% of the punters judged the day on how many free carrier bags they got, while also forgetting that the pretty PR girl was being PAID to talk to them. She lied about not having any business cards, she just didn't want you to have her number, creep.

    Jon (left) and Gary (right) had to work for most of the show.

    Things to do at ECTS when you're dead bored

  • Wrap yourself up in carpet and pretend to be a games character.
  • Pretend to be REALLY interested in an obscure joystick/sound card company's product - they will be so happy to talk to someone you will get red carpet treatment.
  • Tell PR girls you'll get their game on the cover of FHM if they let you piss on them
  • Audibly tut and sigh disapproval at the PlayStation 2 video, then walk out half way through claiming "It looks rubbish, I haven't got time to waste on this SHIT."
  • Ask Nintendo where all their GOOD games are
  • Tell Nintendo that the inclusion of a pathetic Mine Cart level in DK64 is indicative of the general lowering of standards and falling creativity that is destroying their reputation
  • Go to the toilet before you leave - it's a long journey home

    We may do more ECTS stuff over the next couple of days. Maybe.

    Dead or Alive 2 Letters Shed Special!
    We've taken the unusual step of updating the Letters Shed. It contains no mention of Dead or Alive 2 - that was simply a shallow ruse to gain more readers, as we get around three-times as many hits when mentioning DoA 2. Everyone has to sell out sooner or later. Those of you who have not just left in disgust may read the new Letters Shed here.

    More PSX2 DISinformation
    If the recent 'PS2 games all look shit' revelations weren't enough, news on the 'net today reveals the true picture behind Sony's 'vapourware' console. Two anonymous developers reported to IGN that the latest dev-kits Sony sent out at the end of August 'Haven't got soundchips, run at only half the processor speed and don't support DVD.' Just for the privilege of owning one of these 'partial kits' developers have to stump up a cool twenty grand! Expect to find a few Silicon Graphics workstations under the table when Sony reveal PS2 at the forthcoming TGS in two weeks time

    Dreamcast - popular with magazine publishers
    For some bizarre reason, magazine publishers are falling over themselves to release DC mags, with an amazing SIX (that's SIX) DC titles due to appear here over the next month (just in time for the September 23 launch, ho ho).

    The Official Dreamcast Magazine has appeared in shops today. It's unusually large - about a centimetre wider and taller than most mags which makes it look curiously big. It comes with a video in a foil bag and features pictures of cool people holding joypads at irregular angles. Plus games!

    The other contender of note is Future's DC-UK. We haven't seen it yet, so can't comment. But we would imagine it also contains pictures of cool people holding joypads in unusual stances. Plus games!

    Worst of the bunch is Paragon's Dreamcast Magazine, which costs £2.95 for a shameful 52 pages of old stuff they've copied off Segaweb. It also looks identical to Quay Publishing (who?)'s Dreamcast Monthly, with both using virtually the identical (dull) type font for their mastheads. Save confusion - don't buy either.

    Here's a complete run-down of what is/will be around:

    Contains pictures of cool people holding joypads in a stylish fashion?
    Still be around in 12 months?
    Contains a plug for UK:Resistance?
    Official Dreamcast Magazine
    Probably (adverts did)
    Dreamcast Magazine
    Don't care
    Don't care
    Dreamcast Monthly
    Don't care
    Don't care
    Dreamcast Solutions
    Don't care
    Don't care
    Total Dreamcast
    Don't care
    Don't care

    There's nothing we like more than dismissing things we haven't even seen. And for extra fun, why not see which magazine has made the most references to September 23!

    Send us your "Holding-a-Dreamcast-pad-at-an-irregular-angle-in-a-cool-stance" photos, the best one will win an rare and exclusive orange-logo Jap DC t-shirt!

    Shock new Dead or Alive 2 announcements
    In the latest batch of screenshots released by Tecmo, it is revealed that the game may also feature some MALE characters! The new pictures seem to feature men getting in the way of looking at the women - let's hope these sick male "fighters" are removed before the finished game is released.

    Male characters in DoA 2? What's the point?

    New Dreamcast-only arenas revealed!
    And in a separate DoA 2 development, we have obtained exclusive images of a new battle arena designed specifically for the Dreamcast version - the Mud Zone:

    "And then my bra was ripped off in the middle of the fight!"

    Webmasters shocked by announcement
    At approximately eleven o'clock this morning employees at the UK:Resistance offices were left reeling by an announcement of such magnitude that everyone was in a state of disbelief and shock for several minutes. A few frantic phone calls later it was confirmed that, we had indeed, ran out of paperclips. The situation was quickly remedied by a trip to the nearest stationers. Oh, and the Dreamcast has been delayed until October 14th (see below)

    Delay shame of top Sega console
    In what is the most disasterous decision since Michael Hutchence decided to have a quick wank before going to bed, Sega have announced Dreamcast will be delayed until October 14 in Europe. Coming only four weeks before the machine's original big day, there is no end to the list of people who will be pissed off by this move.
    Rumour is the network/email/web system was not going to make the launch date, hence the need for delay.

    Proof of Sega's continuing ineptitude, or proof that they're determined to get it right this time?

    Continuing ineptitude or determination?
    Continuing ineptitude or determination?

    Continuing ineptitude

    Current Results

    Or maybe proof that they're determined to get the ineptitude right?

    Soul Calibur Vs Dead or Alive 2 - Cleavage Showdown!
    There we were, trousers down, kneeling in front of the telly, old chap in hand, tissues nearby, waiting for Dead or Alive 2 to show up, when Namco go and release some equally arousing artwork from rampant beat 'em up Soul Calibur!
    Which do we chose? Time for a superbabe Cleavage Showdown to decide the ultimate game-chick bosom trophy!

    Which lucky cat is going to get the cream?

    Men Mue - Sega's latest gay shame
    Proof that the homosexual undercurrent at Sega is reaching dangerous proportions, Shen 'Men' Mue is now revealed to feature scenes of MEN openly kissing and fondling OTHER MEN in the shallow guise of a CHILDRENS' videogame.

    We can also exclusively reveal that the western version of the game will come with subtitles, as well as WRONG men things.

    Exciting news for our Belgian readers!
    Despite Belgium only having a population of 598, with 269 of those in hospital suffering from extreme wanking-related injuries brought on by there being nothing else to do in Belgium, Sega Europe has finally reached an agreement with distributors AtollSoft to release the Dreamcast in the Benelux on September 23rd. They are aiming at a price of 599 guilders, thatís about 180 proper English pounds.
    Dreamcast will only be available at 'specialist' gameshops. A Dreamcast network will also be online there this autumn.

    For Dutch readers: more info can be found very soon at Rob "Dutchman" Oorlog's homepage at http://student.twi.tudelft.nl/~tw623094

    Pictured: A Belgian needs to be restrained by two other Belgians after becoming overwhelmed with excitement. The last event of note to occur in Belgium was a car accident which left one man with a slightly bruised knee in 1979.

    "Gentleman's Indulgence" - the polite term for wanking
    After the Belgian newsflash, you'll no doubt be wanting something to help you relieve all of that pent-up excitement and wide-eyed animal rage. Here's this week's Employee of the Week to stimulate a bit of the old gentleman's indulgence.

    'Lifestyle' games mags - "No thanks" say gamers
    The regular six-monthly shaming of UK games mags has shown the much-heralded 'lifestyle' games mags to be a resounding failure, as sales figures released on Friday show a disappointing effort from the new multi-format hopefuls.

    The ultimate SHAME award goes to new multi-format magazine Total Control - it only managed a paltry 17,558 average sales figure, taking the lowest-selling games mag spaz-trophy from previous holder Edge, which managed a decent (for Edge) 29,263. We'll be interviewing Peter Molyneux and Jez San about that next week.

    The SHOCK award goes to Future's hyped Arcade - a humbling 35,822 average for the biggest new games mag launch for several years, and one that embodied the 'lifestyle' games mag ideals to the letter. Can't work that one out, to be honest. We thought it was quite good.

    Computer & Video Games managed to sell 358 more copies than arch-rival GamesMaster at 68,210, despite costing almost half the price. Rumours that the redesign issue saw a FALL in sales can only add to the questions (like, "what the funk are they doing?") surrounding Emap's tragi-comic games department, which has seen a third of its editorial staff leave over the last few months.

    PlayStation Plus, the joke that lasted about, ooh, two months, has inadvertantly provided a rare moment of comedy by seeing its sales AXED by one third from well over 80,000 to a mere 61,092.

    Official PlayStation Magazine continues as the games mag benchmark, with a shelf-bending figure of just under 400,000.

    UK launch-day games revealed! "We couldn't have planned it better ourselves" say gamers
    It's the best launch line-up ever, that's for sure. Six of those are must-buys, and the rest aren't shabby either. And with retail well and truly behind the machine, it should 'go mental' in the shops on September 23.

    These are the Day One games:

    Sega Rally 2
    Virtua Fighter 3tb
    Sonic Adventure
    Blue Stinger
    Monaco GP 2
    Power Stone
    Speed Devils
    Trick Style

    Note the disappointing 'no show' of certain key games from the '1.5-party' European developers - fortunately Sega have taken up the slack with Rally 2 - which we revealed would be a launch game over a month ago. But no one believed us.

    Oh, and contrary to popular misinformation, the PAL Rally 2 DOES NOT contain any new features over the Japanese version. But it's still the best racing game ever by miles, so no big loss.

    Other games confirmed for release before October 23rd:

    Ready 2 Rumble
    Cue Ball
    Hydro Thunder
    Marvel vs Capcom
    Mortal Kombat Gold
    NFL Blitz 2000
    Pen Pen
    Tokyo Highway Challenge
    UEFA Striker
    Toy Commander
    Red Dog
    Dynamite Cop
    House Of The Dead II
    Sega Bass Fishing

    Quality AND depth, that's the key to victory.

    Wednesday - quite important
    On Wednesday August 4, Sega will be holding an 'event' officially announcing their UK launch line-up, along with the schedule for game releases over the following months. We shan't be attending (for various reasons) but no doubt many other people shall - then we shall know what we get to buy on September 23.

    Incidentally, we've heard that Sega Ozisoft are delaying the Australian launch until October. That's the price you pay for living in the colonies - you'll get it when us important countries have had our fill at the gaming barbie, Bruce.

    UK:Resistance Ibiza Special!*
    Just like every magazine in the country we're sticking women in bikinis on the cover, desperately trying to look 'cool' by pretending we're 'mad' for Ibiza! We don't even know where it is!
    Look like you're a wild, crazy, drug-taking clubber off to "have fun" in Ibiza by being seen reading the UK:Resistance Ibiza Special. Or save a fortune by simply putting on some fake tan and going to an Essex nightclub with a Porsche keyring hanging from your belt.

    And make sure you check our 'mental' and 'bangin'' Ibiza Special Employee of the Week!

    Also, here's a list of the current club 'tunes' which are popular in Ibiza:

    DJ Supercool - My Real Name Is Colin
    EDGE - Ask Jez
    DJ PlayStation & MC64 - Our Last Legs
    MC Blade Killaz - All These Drunk Women And I've Still Seen No Action
    Carlos the Waiter - I'm Gonna Shag Your Girlfriend You Pink-faced English Pig
    Emap - Decay

    *Designed and uploaded in Taiwan.

    UK Dreamcast for £189 WITH A GAME!
    But don't tell Sega - they'll go Radio Rental. UK-based online web store Simplygames are bundling a copy of VF3 in with all PAL Dreamcasts they sell, and charging an asylum-baiting £189 for the package if you order one now. They are a bona fide company, because we know them. Intimately. You can pre-order now for delivery of a PAL machine on September 23. They are also knocking out games such as Sonic Adventure, Blue Stinger & Metropolis for a ridiculously cheap £29.99.

    Unless you're rich or stupid you should pop over to Simplygames and bagsie one. They do loads of other stuff cheap too.

    Simplygames - Mad. Only one step away from smearing their own poo over the walls of their offices, is you ask us.