Sony reveals appaling PlayStation 2 pics - "We couldn't have planned it better ourselves" say Sega
In their hurry to get PS2 screenshots out to steal Dreamcast’s thunder, Sony have neglected one important fact - THESE GAMES ALL LOOK SHIT. And they're exclusive to PlayStation 2!!

These are real shots, only adding to the SHAME of that terrible dolphin thing which is, quite possibly, the worst gaming screenshot of all time. PlayStation 2 will probably be shown behind closed doors at ECTS. Our advice to Sony is to bolt the doors from the inside to avoid people accidentally witnessing the true banality of PS2.

Here's an astoundingly beautiful picture of Ecco on Dreamcast to wash the taste of disgust from your eyes:

Sony: Compare and contrast the above two games, then WEEP and go back to the drawing board to make up some more pretend facts in the vain hope they will come true if you lie hard enough, you DEACONS.

Dreamcast: Imminent
You'll be able to get your hands on the PAL Dreamcast in 'Virgin Megastores' and 'Game' shops sometime during next week. Demo units will be on show in stylish cabinets, and hopefully Sega will be sending people round to show the saps who work there how to actually switch them on. Both stores will also be taking pre-orders for the machine as demand is expected to be high. The package includes the console, 33.6k modem (boo), one controller, one demo disc and an ISP disc. This is all a marked contrast to the Saturn launch which.......erm, we've forgotten about.

Trade show looms
It's not long now 'til this year's ECTS which takes place as usual at Olympia on September 5th-7th. We presume Sega will have some sort of big stand this year rather than the hard-to-find hotel suite. As always the show is 'trade only' but you can still get in for free by pretending to be some sort of industry-related person and registering at the ECTS website. Just use a name like 'Peter Molyneux', or 'Yu Suzuki' or 'Wayne Kerr' and you'll be ok.

UK retailers kill PlayStation - "We couldn't have planned it better ourselves" say Sega
This is not a joke.
About four weeks ago, the Virgin Megastore chain decided to cut all PlayStation games to £30 instead of the usual £45. All of the UK's other retailers followed suit, afraid they would lose out. Sales rocketed, and ace racer Driver sold a massive 180,000 copies in around three weeks.
Now that the £30 offer has expired, the prices have all gone back to £45. The result? Even spazzy PlayStation owners now realise how badly they are being ripped off, and games shops across the country are now empty. It was like walking into a shop full of second-hand Saturns, such was the apathy and disinterest in games stores last weekend after the price rise.
News that Virgin Megastores' games people now wear t-shirts saying "we think you're all stupid, so give us an extra fifteen quid for nothing, you bunch of fuckwits" are as yet unconfirmed.

This is good news - all retailers here are gagging for Dreamcast, and should back it 100% as PlayStation software and hardware sales grind to a self-inflicted halt.

Here's Darth with some unrelated jokes about Star Wars, seeing as we're in a good mood:

"I can't believe how much Star Wars merchandise there is around these days. I foolishly swapped the rights to products bearing my likeness for all of the future income generated by Ewok spin-offs. George told me the kids would love them. Twat."

"I bought some Death Star Doughnuts today. They were shaped like the Death Star and had a picture of Ben Kenobi on the packet. While I was eating them the bloody jam all leaked out of the exhaust vent and stained my tunic. WHY OH WHY DID I STIPULATE THE INCLUSION OF AN EXHAUST VENT?? The doughnuts mock my failure."

"I decided to boycott all products which had Star Wars endorsements. In my local Imperial-Mart I could only find one brand of panty liners and a range of dog food which didn't have a Phanton Menace tie-in. I've got Rabbit Chunks for tea tonight. Again."

A reason to see Star Wars
No, not just to poke fun at Ewan McGregor's laughable Alec Guiness impressions, but to see the premiere of the UK Dreamcast adverts which will be screening alongside the film. The adverts are weird. Barbers racing to cut hair, and kids chucking stones, promoting the fact that games are a part of life and not just games any more. Probably went down well with housewives in the focus group thanks to "that lovely Robbie Williams boy" providing the music with "drunk dancing anthem" Let Me Entertain You.

We could've done that. Gissa job, you trendy ad types. Sega's ad team is obviously a fan of UK:Resistance. How else do you explain these ads? Miles better than the tired 'cyber' rubbish of the US ones.

"Remember how people were going to see rubbish films just to see the Star Wars trailer a few months ago? Now they're going to see Star Wars just to see the Dreamcast advert. The circle is now complete."

Prominent film director talks 'bollocks'
We've seen some pretty outrageous claims for the power of Playstation 2 but this piece from a recent issue of the Daily Express has got to be the most far fetched yet;

"The day may never come when kids can make Star Wars in their bedrooms, but next year they'll have the equipment to do it with. The new Playstation 2 will allow it's owners to play and create games in real time."

George Lucas This toy can re-create what we're doing in the movie.....it works in real time. We didn't make Phantom Menace in real time....we had huge, giant computers cranking every minute of the day...How can they put this much computing power in a $200 toy?"

Answer: They can't George. That's why they haven't supplied Lucasarts with the Dev Kit yet. (Oh, and please kill off that `Jar Jar` bastard in the next movie.)

If you find a more hilarious piece of PS2 hype than this, mail it to us. You might even win a 'special' prize.

Exclusive: On-site report from PlayStation 2 manufacturing facility!
We've been granted exclusive access to Sony's cutting-edge PS2 manufacturing factory, so promptly arranged this on-site phone interview with the PlayStation 2 manufacturing manager - see for yourself how Sony's plans are progressing...

Employee feature 'neglected' claim
Lesbians don't exist, they were just invented by men to make pornography better. A bloke called David Lesbian invented them in 1978, although he failed to copyright his idea and sadly missed out on the millions of dollars in royalties he would've received from the American porn industry and the Lawn Tennis Association. Here's another Employee of the Week.

Ladies and Gentleman, play is suspended.
Oh no! No sooner do we upload our Wimbledon Special when it starts to rain, forcing us to cover the whole site in green tarpaulines. Sorry about that. Cliff Richard has offered to keep you all amused with some acapella renditions of his most well known songs - but we've told him to sod off. In the meantime, you'll have to do make-do with some UK:R replays from yesteryear.

Celebratory Wimbledon Collector's Edition!
Have you noticed how every TV programme, magazine, newspaper, web site and every media source in the whole world currently features a photograph of 'babe' tennis player Anna Kournikova in a desperate attempt to grab people's attention and get more readers?

Count us in!

Don't get too excited, she's probably a lesbian. No wait! That's better!

Sensational "launch game" claim for Sega Rally 2!
And you thought it couldn't get any better? An inside source has told us Sega Rally 2 is now "99% certain" to be a Dreamcast launch game when the console arrives on September 23rd. That is fantastic news for everyone... except maybe the people working at Bizarre Creations...

Here's a visual representation of how happy we are that our favourite Dreamcast game so far is a launch game:

Even happier than Rory McGrath upon realising he's got Anna Kournikova in the 'Feel The Sportsman' round.

UK:Resistance desktop art!
Our publisher says we need to work on our brand values. What does UK:Resistance mean to its readers? What do our readers want from the site? We held a focus group, and decided some desktop art would help our "fans" spread the word. Enjoy!

Right-click on an image to save the 800*600 .bmp image. They are rather large 1.4mb files, but that's bitmaps for you. Email us if you like a much smaller jpeg mailed to you.

Here's our nice Dreamcast ad - BIG! You need some discipline
You hate Sony! Almost as much as us!
Our neo-nazi-style call to arms The same, but enhanced for Windows '95 purists

Send us screen grabs of your UK:Resistance-enabled desktop, and we'll compile a gallery.

Leonard's news round up

Greetings Resistance readers, Leonard Nimoy here again. I've taken time out from my hectic moviemaking schedule to bring you a round up of UK Dreamcast news, mainly because my intergalactic pals Jon and Gary can't be arsed to do it themselves.

Firstly, UK Dreamcast distribution rights were won by `Jack of all Games` who closely pipped Gem for the contract. You can also pre-order your Dreamcast now from HMV and other fine stores to guarantee you won't be disappointed come September 23rd. Dennis Publishing have won the contract to produce the Official Dreamcast magazine and they are currently seeking writers. SOE`s French CEO, `J F Honheehonheehon` recently made an appearance on Satellite TV channel`.tv` to talk about the DC launch.

That's all for now, but on a different note, I'm sure, like me, you were all saddened by the demise of my friend Dr Bones. I know he hated me in the TV series, but I'm sure he liked me really. At least he'll be able to live up to his name now.

Playstation 2; Dis information
This is a Genuine screenshot from the Playstation 2 game `A6`:

Wow! `Toy Story` and `Jurassic Park` level graphics are no sweat for a machine of this immense power! Bwahha ahaha ahahah hah ha ha ha.

Sega announce yet more sporting endorsements
One of the few sporting teams not to be wearing the Sega logo next season is the Underhampton Under-18 Girls Cheerleading Squad - until now! Sega are refusing to announce details of the deal, but it is thought to include the installation of cameras into the changing rooms, and private performances by the girls at Sega Europe's weekly money-burning meetings.

Cheerleaders - the reason why we invented America.

The French boss of Sega Europe giving our money to the French football team St Ettiene. C'est une conspiracie de Francais!

Prominent Dreamcast game rocked by 'gay intro' allegations
Blue Stinger - 'survival horror' masterpiece or sick gay propaganda designed to warp the minds of CHILDREN, some as young as ELEVEN years old, who innocently play videogames every night after school? That's the question being posed by concerned parents across the country, literally months before Sega's Dreamcast goes on sale. The evidence makes for worrying reading:

We anticipate this game to be a big hit in France

Revealed: Conspiracy shame at the core of Sega Europe
Yes, it's all falling into place. A Frenchman at the heart of Sega UK, the rising powers of Sega Germany, and then the announcement of Sega games appearing on Gameboy. We have secured exclusive pictures of Sega's Gameboy conversion of Sonic the Hedgehog - and the news is bad:

My God! It's a Franco-German conspiracy to destroy Sonic and claim him for their own!

Sony reveals new face of Tomb Raider, plus new PS2 marketing angle
Yes, Sony are so scared of the rapidly-gathering Dreamcast hype, they're desperately trying to claw back some column inches with announcements of their own - namely by releasing images of the new Tomb Raider model and some early PS2 marketing plans. You won't believe what they've done!

Dreamcast on Telly, again
There`s nothing quite as soul-destroying as Saturday evening TV. Even more so when it features Gaby Roslin. But imagine our surprise when we saw the Dreamcast getting some prime time advertising on BBC1`s `Whatever you Want` show. Basically, three brats got the chance to win a DC by competing on Sega Rally 2.

A pathetic 1:08 on the desert track won this brat a Dreamcast!

Pay as you play revelation
(Begin serious news bit) Top Sega UK bloke `Giles Thomas` has revealed at a SOE press conference (that we weren`t invited to) that there will probably be some sort of charge levied against online gaming for the Dreamcast. Which isn`t such a great idea considering how much we pay for phone charges already. Let`s hope any such charge is `minimal`.( End serious news bit)

Exciting use of 'games' to further spice-up UK Dreamcast launch!
As if £200 for a cool piece of kit which can access the 'net for free isn't already enough, Sega has announced THIRTY games which will be available in the UK before Christmas! In our wisdom, we have rated them for you - even the ones we've never seen or heard of:

Confirmed UK Dreamcast releases:
Airforce Delta
Blue Stinger
Cool Boarders DC
Jimmy White’s Cue Ball
Formula 1 : World Grand Prix
House Of The Dead 2
Hydro Thunder
Marvel Vs Capcom
Monaco GP
Mortal Kombat Gold
M-Sr (Metropolis)
NBA 2000
Nfl Quarterback Club 2000
Rayman 2 : The Great Escape
Ready To Rumble
Red Dog
Redline Racer
Sega Rally 2
Sega Soccer
Sonic Adventure
Soul Caliber
Speed Devils
Supreme Snowboarding
Toy Commander
Trick Style
UEFA Striker
Virtua Fighter 3tb
Wild Metal Country

Bear in mind we're only guessing. Apart from Mortal Kombat Gold.

'Vibrating nozzle' shame of new Sega coin-op
"Twisting the rotating switch at the tip allows switchover between concentrated and wide area dispersed spray" - we challenge you not to smirk! Sega have out-Namco'd Namco in the 'special' controller stakes with this incredible-looking firefighting sim, where players use a ludicrous fire-hose attachment to douse flames! Could well be a very enjoyable game, with, of course, ample opportunity for cheap comedy (ie - hose, pipes, nozzle, squirt, tube, spray, helmet, etc)

Practise shooting liquid over the screen in preparation for the release of Dead or Alive 2

VIBRATING NOZZLE CONTROLLER, product ref VN0017, £14.99 inc P&P, variable speed, long battery life, ribbed, realistic, despatched in discrete plain brown wrapping.

Star Wars Collectors' Edition!
Yes! Like every other product in the whole world, we're desperately trying to cash-in on Star Wars! Hopefully every spazzy, middle-aged Star Wars fan will now download our site twice (once to read, once to keep in a safe place for future generations) making us the most popular web site in the whole world!

Every day for the next month we shall change one word at the bottom of this page, making an incredible 31 unique Star Wars UK:Resistance pages for you to collect!

For a small fee of £100, we will send you a UK:Resistance Star Wars t-shirt on which we have drawn the Star Wars logo in the pen colour of your choice! Each one is unique! Collect them all!

Oh wow! Look! It's Darth Vader!

"Why does every two-bit webmaster have to start their sickeningly blinkered Star Wars features with their life story, invariably starting: "Back in 1977, I was young and carefree..." No, back in 1977 you were a child with no firm grip on reality, easily impressed, hence the adoration you heaped upon such an average film because you hadn't ever been to the cinema before. Use the force!"

(The views expressed by Darth Vader are not neccessarily those of UK:Resistance)

Extensive E3 coverage starts (elsewhere)
If you want E3 coverage, visit the landlord - he's got lots of stuff on that, what with his VIP passes, party invites, meetings, conferences, games reports, the works. We just stayed at home smkong cigars and downloading pornography off the internet, so if you want the very latest in space-bound Employee of the Week action click here - that's what we do. Isn't it wonderful the way the internet caters for all sorts? Even losers like you!

The Press Release to end all Press Releases!
Here is Sega's "big" press release from E3, and for once, the word 'big' is entirely applicable - this is MASSIVE for Sega Europe and easily justifies the USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS to convey our EXTREME EXCITEMENT! Here it is in all its glory

Internet access free with SEGA


SEGA Europe today (13th May, 1999) announces its latest evolutionary stage - it becomes the first global electronics company to become an Internet Service Provider (ISP). Dreamcast, SEGA's new games console, to be launched on September 23, 1999, will offer free unlimited pan-European Internet access.

Working together with preferred supplier BT across Europe, and ICL, SEGA will incorporate a modem and browser into the Dreamcast console, which will be bundled into the already announced £199 launch price.

BT will be responsible for the European network infrastructure including dial-up and Internet access, local hosting and billing services. ICL will be in charge of the design, build and system integration of the online Dreamcast service.

All Dreamcast purchasers will be able to access the Internet via a local call and will not need to pay an access fee. E-mail and chatting services will be available and soon, continuing Dreamcast's evolution, SEGA plans to offer on-line shopping and on-line gaming facilities.

JF Cecillon, Chief Executive SEGA Europe said: "This is a ground-breaking development for both SEGA and our customers. Today's news signals SEGA's emergence as an aggressive Internet network business as we enter the new millennium. Dreamcast will become the home entertainment product for the whole family.

"This is a new strategic move for SEGA Enterprises. As one of the world's leading consumer electronics companies, we again lead the industry - from home gaming into the Internet age".

John Swingewood, director, BT Internet and multimedia, said: "We're delighted to have been chosen by SEGA to provide pan-European Internet access for Dreamcast games console users. One of our key objectives is to get more and more people on-line and by working with SEGA to introduce simple, low-cost access on games consoles we will take another step towards achieving this."

Derek Sayers, managing director of ICL's Electronic Business Services unit said: "This will be another Internet first, as Dreamcast will be the first ever games console to make use of the Internet. What ICL will be applying is its understanding of the online world and the technical expertise needed to turn SEGA's online gaming vision into a working reality."

Double, triple, possibly even QUADRUPLE HARDCORE news! £200 for a incredible games machine with free 'net access - we're saved!

Dutch capped! (or Sega Germany redraws European map)
In a move so dastardly it simply must be the work of Sega Germany with help from French 'collaborateur' J-F Cecillion, we hear Sega Europe has decided to leave a pretty sizeable chunk of Europe off its Dreamcast release plans. Of course, we all know that the UK is the only really important country in Europe, but it's still a shame that our inferior Euro-chums in Holland, Belgium and, ahem, Luxembourg won't get to play Dreamcast. This is why:

"It seems that Sega of Europe will not release the Dreamcast in Holland, Belgium and Luxemburg (Benelux). Sega of Europe have had several talks with Dutch software distributors, such as AtollSoft (the "ex-Sega-Saturn distribitor") and Audax, but none of them will help Sega with releasing the DC in the Benelux. The distributors want to see money for promoting the DC in the Benelux. They say they need approx 4 million guilders, thats about 1.3 million pounds, for promoting the DC in the Benelux. But Sega wants to give ZERO guilders (Sega wants to focus on UK, France, Germany and Spain). So the distribitors see no point in releasing the DC over here: without any promotion, the DC will fail. So on sept 23rd we will have to go to special importers for UK or German DCs."

Shame on Sega!
Robert Oorlog, The Hague, Holland.

Sega Belgium meet to discuss the implications of the distribution decision.

Translated texts from the Buried Chamber
Breaking into the Great Pyramid was hard. There was only a gap some 12 inches square for me to get through, so I removed all of my clothes and covered my body with baby oil. The guard enjoyed watching that, so she gave me the keys to the front door and deactivated the cameras so I could let myself in. Deep beneath the Pyramid complex I found a new, untranslated text...

Beside it was a skeleton, impaled upon a primitave spear. In his hand was a piece of paper - the man had translated the text before he had died!

The ramblings of an old man, tired by his search and on the point of death? After all, ancient texts are notoriously difficult to interpret and understand, so alien are they in their construction. Or, perhaps, just perhaps, could it be a preminition of things to come from those more powerful than ourselves? Are we but pawns is a cosmic game, merely able to spectate as Kings plot and plan our every movement, sending us to our deaths or coronations as befits their every whim?

Find out in next week's exciting episode of UK:Resistance - The Legend of the Lost Scrolls!

America is lost! We must fight on alone!
Jesus Christ, we didn't expect much from Sega of America, but this is surely the most outrageous waste of time and money ever! It's Sega of America's subliminal to the point of useless Dreamcast ad campaign. Not that you'd know unless you work for the ad company responsible...

Yeah, very stylish, very clever, very post-modern and arty, looks good on the ad company's CV, but what the fuck are you selling? What's the product? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY? For God's sake, it's happening again. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! Put the bargain buckets on stand-by.

We can save you!
We think SoA's only option is to hand Dreamcast's marketing over to us - we spent two minutes thinking up this advert, and bet it would sell a million more DCs than that poncy cloud shit:

'Obvious joke shame' of top UK games site
We lasted a month, but finally the massive comedy potential afforded by Sega's gift-horse-titled voice-controlled Japanese game 'Seaman' has proved too much for us to resist. Here are some of the Seaman-related jokes we expect games magazines not to use in the coming months:

  • Sega's Seaman looks very tasty indeed
  • We couldn't believe our eyes when we saw Seaman on our TV screen
  • I was very excited when I put Seaman into my Dreamcast
  • Sega will be releasing Seaman in September
  • Japanese gamers can't get enough of Sega's Seaman
  • Voice-control unit game encourages use of mouth to control Sega's Seaman
  • Seaman shoots off the shelves in Japan
  • Post your own Seamen gags on our Message Board

    First Dreamcast-only magazine announced
    Dave Perry will be back! Paragon publishing, the Perry-helmed games mag publishers, have revealed that they will be launching an unofficial Dreamcast magazine close to the machine's September release. This is good news for three reasons: one, it shows there is some confidence in Dreamcast as Paragon didn't bother with any kind of Saturn magazine. Two, more shelf-space and publicity should help raise Dreamcast's profile among casual rack-browsers, and three, we'll get loads of cheap jokes at Dave's expense!

    Note: That's Dave Perry the magazine guy, not the other British Dave Perry from Shiny, who was last seen on TV talking in a fake American accent about that ancient game with the cherub he's been flogging for the last three years.

    Exposed: Bias coverage shame of 'multiformat' magazine
    The UK magazine market has been shaken by the launch of yet another multiformat games magazine. The new title, SIDE magazine, is thought to be a direct competitor for EDGE, the 'multiformat' UK magazine that has more pages than readers.

    Click on the cover to see SIDE in all its glory!

    Welsh woman in shock 'attractive' claim
    Wales - the strange uncle of the UK family you mustn't leave the kids alone with, not quite as good as Ireland but better than Scotland. Famous only for inventing a posh version of cheese on toast and this Week's Employee

    1998: Year Zero
    "Things can only get better," sang short-haired singer Peter Cunnah in D-ream's 1994 hit record of the same title. Little did Peter realise how strangely prophetic his words would be, especially for Sega, as financial figures just released for the games market during 1998 show just how badly the Saturn died during its last days:

    1998 total market revenues

  • Sony £419m
  • PC £200m
  • Nintendo £113m
  • Saturn £13m
  • So, the Saturn earned £13m during the whole of 1998 - which puts 'New Sega' into perspective with their £12m deal to sponsor Arsenal!

    Incidentally, D-ream also released a record called "Shoot Me (With Your Love)" - although this has no apparent relation to Sega's current situation.

    Peter from D-ream ponders the implications of his psychic skills.