Welcome to news archive six. These archives are starting to get a bit out of hand to be honest, but we still get the odd reader filling in some of our old votes and features, so it must be worth it. Enjoy reading...

Harmless fun: This should keep you all entertained for a while. You know how Eidos have been buying everything, releasing games for the PlayStation, and basically giving us Saturn owners the shitty end of the stick? Well, get your own back a bit with this amusing and childish little scheme. All you have to do is click here to send a mail to Eidos' press department, asking them when Tomb Raider 2 will be released for the Saturn. We all know it's not going to be released, but if enough people ask them the same stupid questions again and again, hopefully they'll get really mad! I've mailed them five times already today. Tell them that UK:Resistance put you up to it, and we'll fight them if they've got a problem. All of them. AT THE SAME TIME. Gary:09/10/97

Cut and Paste this into your mail software if you can't think up your own:

Deer peopl at eyedos,

My mummy bought me a magasene about gaymes, and theyre is one called Tomb raider 2. I want to bye it when it comes out, but i have to save my pockit munney which is 50p a week.

Can you tel me the release date?

yours sinserey,

Jimmy (age 5 and a half)

PS I own a Sega Saturn

Witness the gods: Our overseas readers might be interested to hear that Saturn Duke Nukem was given a massive 97% by UK Sega Saturn Magazine, which is the second-highest score they've ever given a game (VF2 holds the record with 98%). It now seems that Lobotomy aren't just content with ruling the software scene, as they've now launched the Lobotomy Software Web Site to spread the word on the Internet. It looks like they're looking for a lot of input from the readers as well, so you'd better make that visit. Gary:07/10/97

Pointless: Despite receiving quite literally no emails telling us what a great feature Employee of the Week is, we're carrying on with it regardless. So learn to love it, okay? We might get bored with it soon... if you're lucky. Gary:06/10/97

Update: We have a review of Resident Evil for you today. I would have uploaded it earlier but I`ve been hiding behind the sofa for the last week. Jon:05/10/97

Rubber mask optional: As if Dead or Alive didn't look like being good enough already, some of the hidden costumes for the girls have been revealed - fluffy bunny outfits, rubber fetish gear, school uniforms, and even a French maid costume can be selected, and all in hi-res with that legendary 'bounce' as well. Hopefully it will be banned completely or massively censored, otherwise we'll have to boycott the game out of extreme horror and outrage. Gary:02/10/97

White socks: Those of you who are now particularly aroused by the thought of a schoolgirl appearing in a fighting game, might like to check out Rival Schools the latest Capcom fighter, only this one's in 3D, features different kids from different schools fighting each other, and has the most attractive female game character ever. The boots 'n' bikini wearing blonde boxing babe's name hasn't been translated yet, but you'll know her when you see her - she wears US flag thigh-length boots and a stretched-to-the-max bikini.

Tribute: It looks like our influence has spread far and wide, as we're forced to issue an injunction against a web site called Antibiotic Resistance as site blatantly ripping-off our name, but they don't seem to have captured the spirit. Let us know if you like it, we've found loads more 'comedy' Resistance web sites. Gary:01/10/97

Update: You should know by now that there's a new Employee of the Week updated at the start of the week. This week is no different.

What's cool: You want to know what the next big thing is going to be? Good odds are being given for Steep Slope Sliders, which is an incredibly detailed and playable snowboarding game. Amazingly detailed courses, very controllable racers, and tons of secret characters make SSS look extremely cool. And the current rumour is that Sega Europe may even get around to adding a few extra tracks by the time the game arrives over here. Normski:26/09/97

Informer: It's time for another 'anonymous' eye-witness report from our insider, this time with some news about top forthcoming racer Sonic R. All five characters are now playable (Sonic, Amy, Robotnik, Knuckles and Tails), the coolest of which has to be Amy who drives the cutest red car you've ever seen, which can fold up it's wheels and turn into a boat on the water sections! Tails can fly for a short time (the little chap tires after 3-4 seconds), while Knuckles can glide over huge distances until he hits the ground. Sonic now has a cool double jump for extra height, and Robotnik can chuck bombs at the other racers! The graphics are of Sega Rally smoothness, but extra-colourful for that solid and surreal Sonic look. We're talking quality software, basically. Anon:25/09/97

Lies: Eidos have finally come clean on the Tomb Raider 2 story after revealing details of their licensing deal with Sony. CEO Mike McGarvey says "We want our best selling franchise to reach the greatest number of consumers...and the Playstation satisfies this demand." Sorry Mike, but don`t you think that making the game available to an extra 10 million Saturn and N64 owners would have helped you reach a `greater number of consumers`? Consider yourself top of the list for this years Brown Star awards. Jon:23/09/97

Update: Our UK release dates have been updated again. 'Slippage' is the word you're looking for. Sigh.

One from the top: Hey, it's time for this week's Employee of the Week feature. Please don't email asking who she is - she's famous in the UK. Honest. Gary:22/09/97

Big Hits: The Saturn version of Resident Evil is selling like hot cakes at the moment and has even managed to make a rare dent in the 'all formats' console chart this week at number 4. Who said the Saturn market was dead! Jon:18/09/97

Yeah right: We were very excited to see the 'specifications' of the next Sega system that have been uploaded around the world today, but our excitement faded when we actually read the news. Does anybody understand this?

360 Dhrystone v1.1 MIPS
Scalar product in 3 cycles, fully pipelined (single-precision floating point) using just 1 instruction
Matrix transform in 7 cycles, partially pipelined, single-precision floating point, using 1 instruction. That's 16 multiplies and 12 additions, all single-precision fp, in 1 instruction.

Hey, thanks for clearing all of that up. I've been worrying about how many single precision floating point pipeline instructions were possible in every matrix transform cycle. As a side note, our top inside informer is highly doubtful that the new machine would use the quoted PowerVR2 chip, rather it's much more likely to be a custom evolution of the chip built specifically for the Sega job. Gary: 17/09/97

Perky: Is it time for another Employee of the Week yet? Oh yes, so it is. Jon: 16/09/97

PS: An eagle-eyed and swift-fingered reader managed to 'obtain' one of the Sega Press Packs that they had at the ECTS, and would you believe it, the Saturn version of House of the Dead is mentioned inside, and slated for a possible Easter '98 release. If you don't have the celebration known as 'Easter' in your part of the world, that's March/April time. Gary: 11/09/97

Obvious: Hey, the Employee of the Week feature is still going, so make sure you have a look at this week's predictable selection.

Failed: Our rigorous quality control department has unanimously rejected the last batch of name suggestions you sent in, on the grounds that they were all "crap". And how come nobody managed to come up with Dragon then? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Showtime: It looks like UK:Resistance was the only UK site with enough brains to actually find the Sega stand, so what did happen at ECTS? Who had the best games? Were Sega even there? And just whose stand had the best looking PR babes? Find out in Jon's ECTS report Jon: 08/09/97

Weird: You're probably aware that the TGS (see note 2) has just taken place in Japan. As was expected, the usual plethora of RPG's and bizarre Japanese concept games were on display and most of them have zero chance of being seen over here. Fancy a game of 'Maria', where you get to play a Psycho-analyst trying to cure Maria of schizophrenia? Er, I'll give that one a miss thanks. Looks like Burning Rangers pretty much stole the show for Sega and probably helped quell the disappointment of the lack of VF3 news. Jon: 06/09/97

Note 2: TGS stands for Tokyo Game Show and shouldn't be confused with the Tokyo Geisha Service, which operates from another part of the city and is something altogether different.

Boast: You may remember our world exclusive news from several weeks ago about Sonic Team's new game that involved a totally new character, well now all is revealed as the Sonic Team have uploaded screenshots of their new title Burning Rangers to their website. Words don't do justice to these amazing screenshots. Check 'em out!

The game involves running round putting out fires and rescuing people and supposedly uses an advanced form of the NiGHTS engine. clearly the Sonic Team have worked miracles yet again. Hopefully the game will be at ECTS this weekend so we may bring you a full report then. Jon 4/09/97

EOTW: Amazingly, our Employee of the Week feature has made it to it's third installment. Keep your nominations coming in and we might make it to a fourth. Jon: 1/09/97

The lost world2: The troubled Segaworld 'theme park' in London's Trocadero is bringing in famous bloke Steven Spielberg to try and raise it's fortunes. Planned modifications may include an 'internet cafe, rock climbing walls and a bar that serves alcohol', aswell as some new VR style rides no doubt. Just don't let Jeff Goldblum near the place. Jon: 1/09/97

Better than expected: What's happening? Why is there so much news on the telly? Oh well, at least we can keep ourselves entertained by reading some of your suggestions for names for the new Sega console - and surprise, surprise - some of them are pretty good! We've updated our name suggestion page with the suggestions you've sent in so far, so have a read and don't forget to send in your own ideas. Gary: 31/08/97

Diversion: It seems like an awfully long time since we last featured a Spice Girls reference here on UK:Resistance, so here for your amusement is a world exclusive first look at the Spice Girls Smiley faces which will soon be appearing on an email near you. Gary:31/08/97

Ginger Spice - C:-)=3>

Sporty Spice - [:-)=:=

Scary Spice - X3:^)=3>

Baby Spice - }:-)=3>

Posh Spice - [:-\=3>=======

Note: If you're a bit new to all this Internet malarky, just rotate your head 90 degrees to the left while reading the above feature. Don't forget to realign your head once you've finished reading.

Hasta la vista: Fans of the Terminator films will know that today, 29 August 1997, was the day that Skynet's computers were supposed to trigger off a full scale global thermo-nuclear war that would leave the survivors of the Human race to live out their days fighting evil metal endoskeletons, or something. Luckily I still seem to be here, and I thought I'd tell you that there now seems to be a whole new newsgroup hierachy devoted to UKR. If you don't believe me, checkout ukr.rules Jon:29/08/97

T-486: Actually, the above news story isn't quite true. My PC achieved conciousness at 2:35am yesterday, but as my Internet account only allows access to email, WWW and newsgroups, and fortunately doesn't allow access to military computers, catastrophe was averted. Gary:30/08/97

We need help: Even our most sheltered and withdrawn readers must've heard about the plans for a new Sega console, and it seems that Sega have now dropped the tragic code name BlackBelt and are calling the project Dural these days. Both names are pretty crap to be honest, so we thought we'd give you the chance to do better, which shouldn't be too hard. To get the ball rolling we've uploaded some suggestions of our own so take a look, and send us your suggestions for names for the new machine. We'll list all of your ideas and send 'em off to Sega when we've got a load together, as they obviously need some guidance. Gary: 28/08/97

Baby love: I bet you all thought we weren't organised enough to update a weekly feature every week, but it's looking good so far as we upload this week's Employee of the Week. But will we be bothered next week?

Cheers: There's a big beer festival being held at Olympia in London next month. It's called ECTS (see note 1) and apparently loads of game companies will be there as well to show off their latest titles. Students and under 18's aren't welcome but I'm sure they'll find a way in. Sony will be taking up one side of the building with their stand while Sega will be occupying the 'Clubroom', which presumably means there will be big ugly blokes on the door who won't let you in. Stay tuned for more beer festival updates. Jon: 23/08/97

Note 1: ECTS actually stands for European Computer Trade Show, and shouldn't be confused with the English Cheese Tasting Seminar, which is being held in London the following weekend.

Update: Our top brass executive informers at Sega have given us the latest classified release date information for September (actually we copied it from Sega Europe's web site, but that doesn't sound so impressive), so you'll be pleased to hear that we've updated the release dates page.

Nice figure: Despite constantly telling us that they're the best, and managing to use the phrase 'tri-linear interpolation' on every single page, it was a surprise to find that the latest ABC figures show that UK based EDGE magazine only sells on average a paltry 28,500 copies per month, which coincidentally is exactly 10,000 less than Sega Saturn Magazine, which has rocketed to a cool 38,500. Not that UK:Resistance has any bias towards any specific title or anything, we're just reporting the facts. Gary: 20/08/97

New feature: You have a choice today - we could either give you some dull news that you probably already know about games being knocked out for a bargain £20 in many shops around the country, or we could upload a picture of a cute girl in her pants. Which do you prefer? As if we need to ask. Check out our new feature employee of the week (with a difference) in which we will upload a different potential assistant each and every week, and judge his or her suitability for employment here at UK:Resistance, and outline their possible job description. Why? Why not? Gary: 18/08/97

A bad week: Sorry about the lack of news this week, and also the lack of any new 'comedy' features to compensate. I think it must be the hot weather, making us both a bit too sweaty and flustered to bother uploading anything. Still, thanks for reading, and who knows, maybe we'll have some really amazing and incredible news for you all tomorrow. But somehow I doubt it. Gary:15/08/97

Tight fit: You may be aware by now that the second cd that comes packaged with Last Bronx in Japan won't be making it to the PAL version. But don't worry, SOE's 'clever' people have managed to squeeze all the training mode stuff on to the main disc and it's only the 'not-all-that-good' Anime movie thing will be missing. Jon:10/08/97

Product placement: Phew, I'm back from my difficult and dangerous mission to sun-drenched Southern Europe and I know you're just aching to know how the Saturn is faring in that all important Portugese market. To be honest, I haven't got a clue, but I do know that the Portugese have better videogame Telly programmes than us. Take for instance their version of Gamesmaster. The host, Pedro Miguel Ramos, (Portugals answer to Dominik Diamond but the names not as catchy) dyes his hair blue in homage to Sonic and manages to say the words Sega Saturn in every other sentence. Strangely, nearly all the game reviews were Saturn based too. All was revealed in the end credits though, when it became clear that Sega actually sponsor the show. Nice one Pedro! Jon:10/08/97

Australian action: G'day mate, throw another sausage onto the floor, or whatever it is that you crazy Australian people say. Anyway, the point is, we know for a fact the we have at least two and perhaps even as many as three Australian readers, and this news update is just for you guys. This months issue of UK Sega Saturn Magazine comes with a CD on the cover, and for the first time ever, this disc will be available to people buying the mag once it's been imported to Australia! The technical and legal mumbo-jumbo that usually prevents disc exporting has been overcome, meaning that Aussie Saturn owners (now there's a minority group) will be able to experience the demo of Sonic Jam that's on the cover. Bruce: 07/08/97

Retro feature: In the never-ending quest for information, few emerge victorious. Help swing the odds in your favour by reading our detailed Sega History feature, which also includes some exclusive pictures and adverts from Sega's dodgy past. Ever heard of the Psychadelitron? You have now. Gary:06/08/97

Dave the shape-shifting vegetarian: This is secret. No, really this is top secret. No hang on, I'd better put that in bold - this is top secret. Actually, that's still not right, let's put it in red and bold - this is top secret and may well result in my death. Have we now established the totally secret nature of this news? Good, because the fact that Sonic Team's new Saturn game will star a totally new character (not Sonic or NiGHTS related) had better remain top secret or there'll be trouble. If you're caught in posession of this information, we will deny this upload ever took place. Gary: 04/08/97

We want it all: Regular readers may well know that from time-to-time we upload a list of our most wanted games for you all to read. About once every six months seems to be the rule, so it looks like we'd better upload another one to keep you entertained. Read it quickly, we'll probably be destroyed in a freak atmospheric/alien/nuclear catastrophe soon. Mohammed: 30/07/97

Trouble in UK land: Following all this negative news about various third-party Saturn games being cancelled, we're both a bit upset. Especially Jon, who was really looking forward to playing F1, Micro Machines V3, Tomb Raider 2 and Nuclear Strike. So if you're feeling generous, why not mail Jon and tell him not to worry, and also remind him about Quake, Last Bronx, Marvel Super Heroes, Sonic R and the huge number of other exclusive Saturn games. Gary: 29/07/97

Image (right): Don't worry Jon, everything will be okay.

Confirmation: A news-hungry reader has just received this email from Codemasters, and it does indeed comfirm that Saturn Micro Machines V3 has been put on hold - for ever.

Subject: Re: Micro Machines V3 - Sega Saturn
Date: 24 July 1997 09:47
Priority: High

Dear Sir

Thank you for your e-mail regarding the above game. Unfortunately, we have shelved any plans of releasing this game on the Saturn as it will not be economical for us.

We are sorry for the disappointment.


Mr Jay Patel
Customer Services/Technical Support Manager

Bargain Bucket: It's a while since we've shown the top ten Saturn games, but this weeks is rather odd, let's take a look...

1. Sega Rally
2. Manx TT
3. Alien Trilogy
4. Fifa 97
5. Athlete Kings
6. Independence Day
7. Fighters Megamix
8. WWS 97
9. PGA Tour 97
10.Soviet Strike

Sega Rally back at number one!! Yes, this re-emergence of old games is all down to one of the High Street retailers knocking them out for between £15 and £25.00. What more could you ask for? Jon: 24/07/97

Between the lines: What's the difference between something that's been cancelled and something that's been put on hold? Hmm, well it looks like we might find out in the months to come, as we hear the disappointing news that the Saturn version of Micro Machines V3 has been "put on hold". Of course we're not saying it's been cancelled, just officially "put on hold". Whether it's been "put on hold for ever" or not is a tougher question. Gary:23/07/97

ChunderForce: We've got some particularly distressing news today, namely a rumour that top Japanese blaster ThunderForce V won't be getting an official release over here. However, our top 'insider' has heard that the decision is not yet final, so let's try and exert some influence over Sega's release policy by having a nice, completely impartial vote:

I, the undersigned, being of sound physical and mental health, do hereby declare my wish to be allowed to purchase Saturn ThunderForce V if and when the game receives an official release, and I may even buy a couple of extra copies to keep as 'spares' such is my love of this game.
I, the undersigned, being a complete tosser, don't want to buy ThunderForce V, a decision which clearly marks me out as a freak and outcast of society, and I expect you'll ignore all of the 'no' votes anyway.
This vote idea wasn't amusing the first time. Please stop.

Enter mail address and press send to vote.

Giant Haystacks: Do you like fighting games? Good, because there are loads of them coming to Saturn this year. The ultra violent 'Men with sticks' game Last Bronx is nearly finished and I'm assured by a powerful industry guru that it looks even more impressive than VF2. It features a second disc that has the training mode, FMV bits and matches to watch. There's also a wrestling game due for release in Japan around October which goes under the catchy title of Japan Pro Wrestling (Featuring Virtua). The 'Featuring Virtua' bit meaning that Wolf and Jeffry are in it. Thirdly, is Dead or Alive which seems to be most noteworthy for it's wobbling female bits. Oh, and if you're in to that 2D stuff then don't forget Marvel Super Heroes, which I hear is also looking rather hot, especially with the Ram cart. Jon 12/07/97

Sonic 2000: Okay, read the following extract from an interview with the producer of Sonic R, Mr Sato, which appears in this months issue of UK Sega Saturn Magazine:

SSM: Why aren't Sonic Team programming the game [Sonic R] themselves?
Sato: Sonic Team were busy with Sonic Jam and then started on another Saturn project.

Let's just take another look at the last three words of that sentence: "another Saturn project." Do you suppose that means 'another Saturn project?' I think there's only one way to interpret the words 'another Saturn project', and that's to say that Sonic Team are indeed working on 'another Saturn project', and that Sonic R isn't the final Saturn Sonic game. Gary:10/07/97

Update: Thanks to an unfortunate mix-up at the post office, Jon's found himself in the posession of a couple of games, specifically Pandemonium and "Soviet Strike in a tank" Mass Destruction, which he has thoughtfully and generously reviewed for us all. Gary: 07/07/97

It's better in Spanish: The official Sega Europe site is a cosmopolitan affair, and it even features areas in French, German and Spanish. Now you all know that Bug Too! was a bit on the crap side, but it sounds a lot better when Sega tell you about it in Spanish!

! Bug vuelve a la carga en una nueva aventura tridimensional ! Esta vez nuestro amigo no estara solo en sus aventuras. Ahora le acompanan dos extranos amigos, el perro-larva Maggot Dog y Superfly, la mosca funky. Con cualquiera de los tres deberas aventurarte en 7 magnificos escenarios tridimensionales repletos de trampas y enemigos. Como siempre, el humor sera una de las caracteristicas de esta aventura, la cual se basa en divertidisimas pel’culas como "Lawrence de Arachnia" o "Swatterworld" Cada fase consta de varios niveles en los que podras demostrar tanto tu ingenio como tu habilidad, Y si consigues llegar al final de cada una preparate porque los jefes finales son dignos de las mejores peliculas de terror. Preparate... Állega Bug Too! Luces, camaras... !Accion!

Amendment: Our current release schedule has historical relic Heart of Darkness slated for a release on the 25th of September. Better change that to the 25th of Never, as rumour is that this game has been officially canned. Which is a shame (not really) as we were looking forwards to playing it (not really) and it looked like being very good (not really). Gary:02/07/97

Power failure: Do you have money to burn? Do you like cheesy elevator music? If so, you might like to consider purchasing the latest issue of Sega Saturn Power which costs a whopping £4.99 and comes not with a demo CD as promised, but a game music CD. Misleading their readers? Cashing-in on the foolish? Whatever, five quid is a bit steep for us cash-starved resistance members. Gary:01/07/97

Ooh, I must've been in a bit of a bad mood on the first of July! Never mind, I don't think they noticed. Thanks for reading this archive anyway, you must be really bored and desperate for something to do if this is your idea of entertainment, but then again, who are we to criticise? Just imagine the cumulative amount of time that me and Jon have wasted putting all this rubbish together... if you know anybody with less exciting lives than us, please email us and let us know. Cheers!