Letters Shed

Letters answered by celebrity nonce Gary Glitter, via his upload-only internet link
from the Child Sex Offending Pop Singer Wing of the South London Prison.

Dear Letters Shed,
I think foreign people are great, and I particularly like the young Austrailians/New Zealanders who work in the IT industry over here for a few years, dis the UK and expound the virtues of their own country and then return to Australasia with all our money.

I also like it when the French win the world cup and the Aussies win the Rugby. I think we should invite them to make passionate love to our wives/girlfriends and applaud them when they do a better job than we do.

Also french farmers are such fun; just so gentle and kind. I also feel sorry for the Scots who lost so gallantly against us in the first leg of the Euro 2000 playoff.

Mars needs women.

Words of Wisdom:
Mars needs women? Women are great - they usually have kids with them!

Grrrrrrr! Nurse! The restrainer! I'm losing control again!

Dear Letters Shed,
When will UKR be back, man? I cannot handle this absence. I thirst for witty bits about some fucking east-european Sega exec... :)

Words of Wisdom:
East Europe? Did you know that Eastern European contries have the lowest age of consent in the world?

I'm the leader. I'M THE FUCKING LEADER!

Dear Letters Shed,
Well done chuffy, on a rather splendid site.

What's your opinion on Tom Jones and his latest fucking come-back? Am I the only one who hates that goddamn ancient Welsh artifact?

AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGHH!

DIE TOM! DIE!

Ahem, sorry 'bout that....
the Flying Midden

Words of Wisdom:
I admire Tom Jones, especially the way he defies his age to retain all that youthful energy. Ahh, the power of youth. Singing, proud, carefree, innocent, smooth and TIGHT. OH SO TIGHT AND FIRM.

Dear Letters Shed,
I see your forum as a great market for our special gay porn live shows, just put a link to "GAY PORN" on the left and we'll pay you in free trips to Paris.

Words of Wisdom:
Just because the forum is pink, doesn't make it gay. I've seen some pink things recently, they certainly weren't gay.

Dear Letters Shed,
While concocting a plan of world domination (using DC internet and optional ion cannon). I came across the Official Dreamcast mag, so I wiped it off and read the letters page. Boy is that Otaku from Cambridge right, the DC mag is shite.

Oh, and PS owners are humourless tossers, with no concept of this fine site. Also, where is Rich Leadbetter?

Words of Wisdom:
Leadbetter in is secure wing J. He came in voluntarily for his own protection from crowds of kids in Sonic t-shirts throwing stones and shouting "traitor".

Dear Letters Shed,
Can you print a new letter? This one will do if you're desperate.

Words of Wisdom:
Thanks. I am desperate. You're very kind. How old are you?

Dear Letters Shed,
How come your country can't settle on one name to call your land. Which is it. England, Great Britan, United Kindom, or Euro Disney. It should be called Great England Kingdom.

Words of Wisdom:
Names are unimportant. It's willingness to please that I look for, along with a lack of body hair.

Dear Letters Shed,
I love Sega man!!!!!
They are like a father to me!!!!!
I hate it when people slag them off.
They are powerful the 1 and only and no one can ever bring them down!!!!
So powerful that even monkeys would fall!!!!!
Well anyway on to my question. Did or does Gary Cutlack work on this site.

Words of Wisdom:
Cutlack is in Security 1 lock-down confinement. The cell smells of human excrement and they won't let him out. I hear moans, terrible moans, and sometimes beautiful singing like whalesong or dolphins.

Dear Letters Shed,
don't you know the first thing about plastic packaging?

Being covered head to toe in rubber and/or plastic luxury sex aids/clothing I'd expect more from you.

I'm off to try on my new Marigolds.

Words of Wisdom:
I like Marigolds. The little finger cut off with a pair of scissors makes an ideal starter condom for the under fives.

Dear Letters Shed,
Hey guys - fantastic site! Its good to see someone else take up an "Attilla the Hun" attitude to other countries.

I thourghly pissed myself when reading your stuff and found News Archive 10 (I think) a tear-jerking trip down Saturn memory lane - long live Sega Saturn Magazine - may she forever remain in our hearts and our beds (well, the last issue anyway).

Words of Wisdom:
That reminds me - must get my subscriptions to Just 17, Smash Hits, Minx, Girl Guide Monthly and the Mothercare Junior Clothing Range Catalogue redirected to my new temporary address.

Dear Letters Shed,
We believe that eveything in the world is made from washing up liquid bottles, or washing up liquid, or wire. Is this true? We've also heard that wire is basically a concentrated form of washing up liquid, in that case there would only be the two basic elements rather than three?

Words of Wisdom:
Washing up liquid and wire? Do I know you?

Dear Letters Shed,
You know, if there is one country I hate; it has to be that god damn United States of America.

Your site lacks anti-American jokes and focuses too much on the unworthy French and Germans. It's time you exposed who the real world idiots are: the Americans led by their dimwitted President Clinton who doesn't even know how to use a cigar properly.

PS: in order to make this post video game-related, I think games made in the USA stink. UK and Japan make the best games.

Words of Wisdom:
Ahhh, the good ole US of A! My 1978 tour played the college circuit. Still got some of the cheer-leeeeeeader costumes as momentos. Still got some of the cheerleaders in the cellar, come to think of it.

Dear Letters Shed,
I'm american and was just wondering if you guys still reek of body odor? I've got some deoderant if you need some. Really.

Words of Wisdom:
The honest smell of a hard day's work - alien in concept to you fat, lazy tossers. Do you all still smell of burgers? We also have a large quantity of the letter 'u' you could do with.

Dear Letters Shed,
I was really looking forward to the release of the dreamcast but know i realise it will never succeed. I mean the european head is a FRENCH man. Whats that all about? He has delayed it threee weeks just because the internet was not sorted. Whats that all about? MSR and Shenmue are not coming out until 2000. Whats that all about? Anyway no matter how hard i try not too i still want a dreamcast as soon as possible. Whats that all about?

Anyway Gimme a Pal Dreamcast and all the games or i wiil... um do something very mean involving a vietnamese prostitute a penknife a bottle of antiseptic and your genitals. Be Afraid, be VERY AFRAID. muhuhahaha.

Words of Wisdom:
There's nothing you could do to my genitals that would scare me. Go on, try. Go on! Try!

Please?

Dear Letters Shed,
A question has been annoying me for quite a while and I thought I should turn to UK:R for the answer: WHY THE BLOODY FUCK IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT DEAD OR ALIVE 2!?

Anyone who has played DOA will tell you that the game is a stinking pile of tosh.The gameplay is over simplistic and boring and the game suffers from the crappiest AI ever in a fighting game.The game is a breeze until the 6th or 5th enemy and from then on the next 3 combatants beat you all the time by using cheap moves.The characters are crappily designed and the only 2 you ever use are waaay too generic. The game is vastly inferior to any other fighting game out there,including Ergreizh.

And who gives a crap about bouncing breasts if the game doesent play well.DO2 looks fantastic but im afraid its gameplay will be as shallow as its predecessors.Just had to get that off my chest.

Ur site rulez and more pix of game characters with their tits out!(I realy fancied the Taki one;)

Cheers Mate, Herr Gunther

ps.Sweden, France, Germany, Russia and Sony suck
pps.Im not gay

Words of Wisdom:
Yeah I know what you mean. The breasts are just ridiculous. Way too big. You need smaller ones, just 'budding' and ripe for the picking.

And some of those women are in their twenties for God's sake! It's madness.

Dear Letters Shed,
Any chance of playing copied PSX games on a Dreamcat

"The who knows"

CANARDO

Words of Wisdom:
Is this meant as a joke?

Dear Letters Shed,
How dare you insult my beloved Nintendo?!?!? They churn out the best games ever!! ...maybe

Words of Wisdom:
Nintendo 64 games are very popular with younger gamers. I've got an N64. Would you like to come back to mine for a bit of role-play? I have one of those vibrating attachments. It's a bit smelly, but still works, amazingly.

Dear Letters Shed,
Shed I have a joke which I believe you should print due to it's uncanny accuracy and high amusement factor.

Why did God create women?
He needed a recepticle to carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Yours sincerely
Bill Gates

Words of Wisdom:
In Victorian times they used children to carry out household tasks. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy.

Dear Letters Shed,
SHEDSTERS - Just taking a minute away from Wanking all over myself to Asia Carrera videos to say hello.

Hey do any of you blokes participate in Fantasy Football leagues over there? Though I'm a yank, I follow the English Premier League religiously!

I've registered with a fantasy league and I'm doing okay thanks to Andy Cole's 4 goal explosion. That blasted Keegan will look quite the simpleton if he fails to demolish Luxembourg. What can you tell us about DC football titles?

Any good news on the horizon?

Splooge

Words of Wisdom:
I like fantasy football. My favourite football fantasy is watching the England Under-16 team play, then joining them in the baths afterwards for a nice celebration. Then the junior girls netball team (who were playing an exhibition match after the football game) come in to the dressing room, and start getting changed. One of the girls sees me, recognises me, complements me on my natural-looking hair, and excitedly motions to the other girls to join me and the boys in the tub.

Then they all PILE ON TOP OF ME and START WRITHING, PRESSING, TOUCHING AND... AAHHAHHAHAHHA AGGGHHH!

WHY DO I GET THESE URGES?

I... I... just want to be on stage, singing and making people happy.

I'm so sorry.

Dear Letters Shed,
I also love your senseless Australian bashing!

The Australians are a sorry bunch, I have met more than 3 in my lifetime (I am a lucky soul) and all of them are panzy asses. I remember getting in a fight with one of them, sucker punched him in the face and he looked like he was about to break down and call for his aussie mum.

Most of them run around with desert hats, disgustingly tight jeans, and eat some nasty, salty brown vitamin mix that they eat on ANYTHING! Good God, one of them even invited me over for lunch and served it on a Peanut Butter sandwich, it was just like eating a mix of pickled garlic and rancide anchoves on a Peanut Butter sandwich.

No wonder you locked up those rejects and sent them over on a desert island half way around the world. Damn, now they are crawling out of their sanctuary and slowly invading the world like cockroaches... we shall squish them!

BTW, why do you Brits always make fun of the Clinton affair when YOUR PRIME MINISTER IS A HOMOSEXUAL. At least our leader has a straight attitude unlike another country's.

Words of Wisdom:
Ah, it's nice to see the Anglo-American "special relationship" is still going strong, united in our mutual hatred of Australians. Apart from the Australian Family Minogue, obviously.

Strange how both America and Australia have isolated communities where all the local men still have mullets and punch women in the stomach for breakfast.

Next week: More legally dubious letter action!

Send us a letter with this special needs-friendly form!