Letters Shed

Letters answered by our new PR girl Susie Slagworthy.
We couldn't afford a pretty one.


Where's the new letters page - its one of my favourite sections but hasnt been updated in months. Get it sorted.

I want to ask, where are the former employees of Sega Saturn Magazine and where do they work. I plan on hunting them down in some sick, cruel but beautiful blood-sports, you see. Thank you for your time and I look forward to fragging your asses.

Words of Wisdom:
Yes, the letters page is really great!!!

I have a press release about it. But I can't find it!!!!

I'll send you some pictures of one from last year when I remember my PC password!!


Dear Letters Shed,
Heyyy what's happening here?

What's taking you lot so long to update the letters shed??

Glued to your Dreamcast or something?

Well, that's unlikely as the last time I played my Dreamcast properly was in January sometime. Ah well, at least it wasn't my own money I wasted, just my parents'.

Cheerio you lazy wee buggers,
the Flying Midden.

Words of Wisdom:
Letters Shed takes ages. Then we get even more letters about its lack of updates, which creates a spiralling space/time paradox and makes it take even longer.

Why don't you just get your rich mummy and daddy to buy you some more toys to keep you amused, silver spoon boy?

Dear Letters Shed,
gif gaf gof?

Words of Wisdom:
We get a lot like this. It wasn't funny back in 1996, imagine what it's like now.


Dear Letters Shed,
I've just signed the NO64 page: no i wont tell them where to go coz nintendo is bloody brilliant and sega need to come into the moden world so you sod off!

from nintendo fan emma tytherleigh

Words of Wisdom:
We have girl readers?? Quick, hide the pornography! Pick up those underpants off the floor and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD clean the toilet in case she wants to use the bathroom.

Hi MR Ding Dong Big Bong,

Some Q's to make ya hot:

Why are you so wet? Wet in the head?

Does your hair come from some kind of curious transplantation?

Who's Schuhwixe do you use? Red, green or yellow which one does smell'ow?

What do you do when the chix come through?

Getting up and getting down from which side do you like to look @ your baum (=tree)?

DreamCast CreamCast, PlayStaschun ... please give us a rhyme!

For more topnotch hoochies get into a supermarket!

greeeeeetssssssssssssssss Kirsich'n Marabooyah


Dear Letters Shed,
Where are any of the old Saturn mag team? Their helpful reviews and great sense of humour stopped me from killing myself.

Words of Wisdom:
We have a game coming out for the Saturn, it will sell about 5 million copies. I'll let you touch my chest if you put it on the front cover and give it ten out of ten.


If any of you cunts, and that includes nonce boy, ever FACK with NINTENDO again, I'll cut your giblets off!

Shigeru Miyamoto is the greatest FACKING cunt the world has ever FACKING known and that is FACKING that!

In the meantime CONTINUE to attack that FACKING piece of shit PS2, or else ill cut your tits off as well!

FACKING cunts.

David "Don't FACK with me now!" Murphy

Words of Wisdom:
Miyamoto is dilluting his game juice by dipping his brain into every N64 game there is. Which isn't many, but the point still stands.

I'm carrying a knife. Swiss Army, corkscrew in the face if you keep that language up.


Dear Letters Shed,
Please post this letter so I can win a bet.

Words of Wisdom:
Did you bet that we only ever post letters sent in by twats?

Dear Letters Shed,
Just like to say what a top quality site UKR is.

I'd just like to say that Americans are annoying pricks, the french suck cock, and the Australians take it up the A**e. Nobody out does the BRITISH!!! Long live the "Ahem" Empire.....

What's the deal with the PSX2, is it anygood, or just another way of those robbing Japanese bastards to steal money out of our economy.

They rape our women, they kill our children... They Steal our money.... GODDAMN FOREIGNERS

And in response to that prick who thinks our PM is homosexual,,, just look at the fuckin US senate, more homosexual per square inch than Manchester's Gay Village!!!!!

Respect Andyb

Words of Wisdom:
PS2 is actually quite good when you see it working, and when it's playing a game that wasn't designed in a lunch break.

It looks worse in screenshots than it does in real life, thanks to it just generally being hard to take screenshots of. Just ask Emap, not that they care any more. Too busy waiting for that phone call from FHM. GIVE IT UP, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Dear Letters Shed,
what are you resisting?

uncle xog

Words of Wisdom:
Gravity, junk food,
happy endings, reading anything about X-Box, making the site Dreamcast compatible, the pressure to get a pair of those headphones everyone else has got, this pop music shit that people under the age of 12 call trance, turning to alcohol, the growing urge to attack strangers in the street.

Dear Gary Glitter,

I have recently bought a copy of your record "Gary Joins the Jamms" that you recorded with The Timelords. The CD appears to be scratched, can you send me a replacement please?

BTW: Do you want to touch me? Do you want to touch me? Do you want to touch me there? If so, please don't.

(not) yours,


Words of Wisdom:
Glitter left to head up our new Thailand office. We've been trying to phone him, but his line is constantly engaged.

Dear Letters Shed,
I love your site man... IT IS SHIT-HOT !!!!

I was chillin to some MP3's when a mate on Messenger, says "check this site out" DOGS BOLLOX, Instant click of the favourites button !!!!

keep fuckin over the French, Australian, sega Sony, and Anyone who thinks that they are better than us mighty Britain, or Mighty England or whatever the fuck we are now that we are a devolved nation, is that like the reverse of evolved ???

Keep this site kickin ass.
Andy B

Words of Wisdom:
Those Microsoft Network ads that say "Life is great: See MSN for details" are a joke.

So life is so great you should spend it all on the internet, talking to American paedophile men while pretending to be a 12-year-old girl?

The internet is making people go bad.

Dear Letters Shed,
Sometimes I read Edge magazine. Am I gay?

Words of Wisdom:
No, you're in a much smaller minority group than that.

Dear Letters Shed,
Any chance that Square are going to bring out the much awaited FF7 Aerith Gainsborough resurrection CD what we Aerith Fans have been waiting for, for the past 3 years we have waited.

Some Sad Aerith Fan

Words of Wisdom:
About as much chance of that as you Final Fantasy fans realising that Final Fantasy games are shite and you've been living a lie ever since a bunch of journalists decided to pretend they liked FFVII even though it bored them senseless.

Dear Letters Shed,
Your page is very funny. I like it best when you print old Viz jokes and pass them off as your own.

Words of Wisdom:
Give us an example then.

Dear Letters Shed,
I dont know which is better, cutting or tearing. can you let me know what I am to do?


Words of Wisdom:
I use a steak knife for getting through the flesh, then switch to a small hacksaw for slicing through the tendons and joints.

I think the binmen are starting to suspect something. The neighbours mentioned the smell the other day, I'll have to burn the carpets.

Dear Letters Shed,
You all call these countries like Australia, France, Germany and the US, and rightly so because they deserve it. But I think you are making a BIG mistake.

You see, you have overlooked another nation, so i'm just going to have to open evrybody's eyes. That nation is ............ Switzerland!

Trust me, they are up to something, and they are going to catch the whole world on the blind side. The country is on top of a mountain range away from everybody else. The population is a mixture of Germans, French and Italians for godsake, that can't be good.

They are never in wars, but they'll hapilly mind everybody's money.

Each man has a machine gun, as they all have to do conscripted military service (why if they are never in any wars?). Switzerland is a land-locked country, yet they still have their own navy!

Trust me, something big's going down in the Alps. I reckon we should give them a pre-emptive strike of two 50 Megaton nuclear airbursts. That should put them in their place. Mark my words, they are up to something.


Words of Wisdom:
Don't get me started on the whole Toblerone conspiracy theory.

Dear Letters Shed,
whoa-ho-ho! I want more D3 shots!!

I dunno about this tentacle plant thing, and I've never been into that kinda thing before, but something about a naked woman hugging a squid really turns me on..

Words of Wisdom:
You like the squid pics? I've got some jellyfish stuff under the counter if you fancy something a bit harder.


Dear Letters Shed,
hello wankers

you smelly cockney pussy faced millenium dome arse fuckers up here in gunchester,madchester, MANCHESTER.

well take any cockney bastards on cos were mad for it!!!

anyway n64z shit psx shit dc minter

ya see this site needs sortin you scruffy bastards.

Words of Wisdom:
they have the internet in Manchester? Maybe they'll start building schools soon.

Dear Letters Shed,

As an American, I found the D2 footage too much to bear, and have planned a massive protest of SEGA and UK:Resistance. As it will take 40 years to set up an infrastructure to teach american school children that there are other countries in the world other than the USA, you will have quite a wait.

As I wrote the petition, I dropped my gun, and immediately fell to the ground in a ball of fear. As most americans would rather sell their daughters than lose their guns, the feeling of helplessness ovewhelmed me, until I realized that we were still the world's only superpower, and that my local drug store sold guns next to chewing gum. (Very true, go to south carolina druggist and you can get some rubbers and a glock.)

Being the mtv media spoon-fed american that I am, I am mentally shocked by the fresh comedy, and new ideas that your website has created. Therefore I am undertaking a regimen of stupor and illiteracy to bring myself within the acceptable norm , as detail in the constitution right next to my right to guns, more guns, mortars (you can own one in south carolina, really!) , and the ability to shoot anyone who threatens me.

Keep up the excellent work!

Kevin O'Connor 12 miles from New York City, someday to be ground zero once the angry arabs get some russian plutonium.

Words of Wisdom:
Thank you for taking the time to write a proper letter, raising points and issues.

Allow us to belittle your efforts by responding with a pair of talking tits:

Dear Letters Shed,
Im writing to say your site rules.

i've only recently found out about it but already it's my best site. Well done for slaging of the N64 because it's crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s can you get a picture of rachel from s club 7 or melanie blatt (short one in all saints) and put in the weekly women section

try to get nude pics

Words of Wisdom:
Rachel? Tina is the best S Clubber. Those cute freckles: she needs some form of white substance applied to her face to help cover them up.

Dear Letters Shed,
In my considered opinion, New Labour is full of self-important, self-congratulating, two-faced, media-manipulating tossers, sheep-shaggers and public funds wasting arseholes... discuss.

And they want to put a tax on video-games too. It's true you know. They really do. Bastards.

Words of Wisdom:
By default everyone would like to laze around, spend other peoples' money, shag their secretaries, and get paid money by big companies in return for a few hours of work a week.

It's just a question of how long they can keep it going before getting found out.

Dear Letters Shed,
whoever has to read this, I seek your advice.

I know three people who visit this site. One of the people (the one who wrote the letter about Doa sucking ass) is in fact gay.

He sends his regards and wishes there would be more pink backgrounds on this site.

The second one ( the one who complained about you insulting his beloved nintendo) is ok, except he mostly hangs out 18 year old perverts.

The third one is a romanian gipsy so he cant write. What should I do?

Words of Wisdom:
Games can bring you together!

Dear Letters Shed,
i am so glad you got a new website

now if only my shift key and my punctuation keys worked

the only one that seems to work is my /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

and that gets stuck

Words of Wisdom:
A joke made possible thanks to the computer age. A bit like Sega.

Dear Letters Shed,
I love Sega. I grew up reading Mean Machines Sega, Official Sega Magazine and Official Sega Saturn Magazine. Therefore I grew up reading the wise words of Lord Richard Leadbetter. I was Luke Skywalker travelling the sega galaxy and Lord Leadbetter was my Yoda. Imagine my torture, the very essence of my soul being snuffed out, that fateful November of 1998, as I opened the next chapter of my bible to find that it was the end of an era, SSM was to be no more. A year has passed since I last heard of Richard (Lord of the World) Leadbetter.

Please tell me if he works for uk:resistance or if you know where he is now. Lord Leadbetter if you happen to read this HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY for last Monday (20th December). P.S Does anybody have a copy of issue 1 of the Official Sega Magazine (Jan 1994) in good condition they would like to sell?

Many Thanks Brother Aaron, disciple of Lord Leadbetter

Words of Wisdom:
It's scary that you know when Richard's birthday is. No, he doesn't work for UKR, but he does kind of indirectly bank roll it by continually employing one UKR deviant.

Carol Vorderman was 39 on Christmas Eve, I sent her a card signed in my piss. Told her that if she goes near Whiteley I'll cut her fucking lips off.

Dear Letters Shed,
I have a simple question his Shedness.

Are Tecmo going to design a one-handed controller for exclusive use with Dead or Alive 2?

Words of Wisdom:
No, but try holding the pad with the tips of your fingers and using your palms. Awkward, but effective.

Dear Letters Shed,
Here's a fun game to play at school or in the office.

Simply find someone who's got an allergy to peanuts, then force them to play Russian Roulette with a packet of Revels.

Nick Wilson Londonderry

Words of Wisdom:

Dear Letters Shed,
Would the term "arse biscuit" be an original and amusing or copied from a very funny sitcom? Thanks for the memories

Words of Wisdom:
Pity those that do not follow the teachings of Father Ted.

Mrs Doyle with her box of 40,000 tea bags. Beautiful.

Dear Letters Shed,

I am Humpty and I rule all.

What I want to know is WHY THE HELL DID SOUL CALIBUR GET A 10/10 in both DC-UK and ODM. It is a great game but I completed it in under 15 hours its just far too BLOODY EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words of Wisdom:
They probably got sent some free t-shirts.

Trip abroad: 7/10
PR lunch: 8/10
PR lunch + blowjob: 9/10
Free t-shirt: 10/10

Dear Letters Shed,
In millennia to come, archaeologists will unearth mysterious scriptures known in this day as Sega Saturn Magazine. They will become the new Dead Sea Scrolls, except theyll probably be called the Dead Sega Magazines or something. Upon opening the hallowed pages, future theologians will hail the saviour Rich Leadbetter as the new Messiah, who saved his people from the Sonyites, then bloody well went and betrayed them rather than sacrificing himself for his beliefs. Oh well.

Words of Wisdom:
Is Richard some kind of gay icon?

Dear Letters Shed,
Isn't telly bollocks at the moment.

There's nothing on apart from Match of the Day, and even that's arse.

Gary Lineker.

Words of Wisdom:
Bits is back on again. I see your point.

Dear Letters Shed,

Official Dreamcast Magazine sucks the largest asses in all of mother Blighty - fashion sections for gods sake!!! JESUS!!!!!!!

The demos are crap too. Total arse-monkeys. Ed Lomas (steady ladies) makes an appearance though. Where oh where is the Official Saturn Magazine now?I need answers! Im going to go blind with all this porn I have to put up with............so cold, so very cold........

Yours sincerely, Shigeru Miamoto, Nintendo gay tosser

Words of Wisdom:
"Sucks ass" is now officially the worst phrase in the English language.

We can't criticise ODM or they'll just think we're being bitter.

It is printed on very nice paper. The discs are very firmly attached.

Dear Letters Shed,
Is "Straw Dogs" still an accurate depiction of life in rural Britain even after 28 years?

Oh, wait, you probably wouldn't know, since it's been banned on video. Still, I'm sure you can track down a pirated copy to go alongside your Swedish-subtitled editions of "A Clockwork Orange" and "In the Realm of the Senses."

Words of Wisdom:
Ha! You look stupid now, because Clockwork Orange was re-released here a couple of weeks ago.

A great example of how it pays to only update your letters page every six months.

Dear Letters Shed,
fuckin great site. keep it up,oh and here's something worth bringing up...

digitiser, complete wank or good games mag?

chris dunn

Words of Wisdom:
You get drunk on crap beer when it's free, you eat stale sandwiches left over from the meeting downstairs because they're free.

The above are metaphors for why people read Digitiser. It fills the ad breaks in Brookie, you can't complain.


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