Letters Shed
We had some complaints that last week Ray didn't take your letters seriously. To bring some balance back into proceedings, Thom Yorke from Radiohead has kindly offered to give a more serious perspective on this week's letters, inbetween spending time in the studio and putting cigarettes out on his arm and punching walls to impress girls.

Thom sings:
Naked and afraid
The world is cold and wrong
UK:Resistance
Stops the bleeding in my soul

Dear Letters Shed,
I just want to know how you get your import dreamcast to work with a british PAL TV because I'm getting a dreamcast soon. I've been offered a SCART converter for 60 but I reckon it's a bloody rip-off. What say you??? P.S My swithed saturn works ok on my TV

Thom sings:
We're all incompatibile
Incapable
Unescapable
Biodegradable when dead

PS: 60Hz PAL is not the same thing as a pure NTSC signal. Chances are you'll only get a black and white signal. CHECK BEFORE BUYING. Or forever view life in the monochrome darkness of sepia despair.

Dear Letters Shed,
my god you guys crack me up especially the guy who raps. ForEgt sega net

Thom sings:
Confusion static from your mouth
Don't understand
American
Or possibly Australian

Dear Letters Shed,
Just a quickie... Is anyone planning to release a UK RGB compatible SCART/SECAM lead for us poor hard done by UK Jap DC owners..Will sega do this or will I have to rely upon third party. CHEERS

Thom sings:
Shops don't sell love
But they do sell bleach
Drink it
No more pain

Dear Letters Shed,
I came home yesterday to discover my 10 year old child reading your degrading and filthy site. Enraged by yet another sign of the approacing rapture I smashed up his computer and set fire to the house. It was only then that I remember that I actually live in some tupper-ware under our local chruch. Was my face red! I wonder if any of your readers have had similar 'mishaps' ?

Thom sings:
Fire burns inside
Burn
Burn
Buuuuuuurrrnnnnnnn

Dear Letters Shed,
Honey PVC worship? BANGING!
Give it up for the whistle krew! Peeeeep peeeeep!

Thom sings:
Perversions inside me
Things I want to do
No!
She's only twelve

Dear Letters Shed,
It's the yank again and i'm rappin' see
To display my superior ability!
After one letter your rhymes were played
Like a new Sega game in the local arcade

With your penchant for filth and vulgarity
You'll stifle this artist's creativity;
Just a phrase of advice; one you'll surely be needin'
Beat it 'til it bleeds, then beat it for bleedin'!

Peace Out!

Thom sings:
Noise of American youth
Rap pretends to tell the truth
Vanilla Ice
Cut myself. Bleed.

Dear Letters Shed,
Yo man Ray,

Porn is where it's at,
I just love staring at a girl's snatch.
The only bad thing is that you have to pay,
But I look at the free trials anyway.

Hardcore, lesbians, 3 on 3,
Porn is the only thing for me.
Couples fucking, girl's dormitory,
Voyeur cams are great, can't you see?

The only problem is that it makes me cum,
And means that I get found out by my mum.
She found my hard drive full of pics,
Of lesbians, whores and sexy chicks.

Porn makes the Internet tick,
But conceal your Internet history, every bit.
As although you like to wank,
If you get found out you'll get a spank!

Thom sings:
My mum caught me wanking
Wearing her bra
Wearing her make-up
Homeless now

Dear Letters Shed,
hello - it's Richard Whiteley from TV's "Countdown" here. I just wanted to drop you a line (drop you a line, geddit?) to say how much I enjoy 'surfing the crimson wave' of the Net straight onto your site, in breaks between filming our 'perenially popular' show. No, really, Carol and myself are great fans. She especially enjoys the employee of the week. In fact I regularly see her using her consonant and vowel cards to cover up most of the picture, leaving only the bits she likes the best. The strange thing is, she moans spasmodically and fidgets as if she's just stepped on a drawing pin whilst she's doing it. Would readers like to explain this? I asked Richard Stilgoe in 'dick-tionary corner' and he was also at a loss. possibly because he's a beardy twit, i don't know. oh well, back to sharpening my legendary wit, i suppose.. toodle-oo!

Thom sings:
Ties that make me blind
Jackets from 1985
Jokes from Les Dennis
But Carol. Oh Carol. Angel.

Dear Letters Shed,
Hey ya British freaks! I think your site is cool, but can't you do the fake topless shots better? Hey, I heard one of you guys used to work at my all time fav magizine, SSM? What the hell, man? you never answered my e-mail about Action Reply thingies for the Saturn. Can't Europe Saturns use them? I think it would be easier for Europe Saturn owners instead of getting them converted. I mean, when I was reading through SSM, it made the impression that in UK they have a switching shop on every corner. Not here in America though. No, it is so hard to find one, you have to do it yourself, where I soddered my finger to the Saturn Mother Board and then I got to play in my head...like Virtual Reallity head sets..only..it made me puke blood and convulse. So I got the Action Reply Plus. Damn..you guys are goofy. But funny as watching a fat guy run down a hill, and especially when he falls and rolls like that boulder in India Jones. I just saw that picture of the German guy...oh my God! That's cold...he has a Hitler mustache.. but you know how Poland is, with them being as defenseless as a little lost 5 year old in the snow, they would fall to a group of roudy British transexual nerds. Well..I'll let you guys get back to..well..whatever you do.

Thom sings:
Saturn Magazine
I loved you
I miss reading you
Especially the bits written by Gary Cutlack who was my favourite by a significant margin.

Dear Letters Shed,
Lets take a look at the name: Sega Rally Championship 2.

Sure, it sounds like a fun racer at first, but after scrutinizing it with the UK:R Guide to Subliminal Messages(tm), we can determine:

1. This is a game about wanking.
2. This is a rally type wanking game. (Which translates to: wank really fast, wank in front of crowds, and wank in different areas such as dirt, mud, snow (brr) etc.)
3. This is a game about the Championship of speed wanking. (With a 10 year mode, no less!)
4. This is a sequel to a game about the championship of speed wanking. Sequels are usually slicker and more well rounded.

Can YOU wait till the domestic release?

Thom sings:
You don't compute
A broken computer
I cannot access the file
Restart. Restart. Restart.

Dear Letters Shed,
Who the hell is David Perry? He sounds like some type of doofus from your Realaudio clip, but I don't know. This isn't the same Dave Perry of Shiny fame?

Thom sings:
Dave Perry, David
Editor of games magazines
Makes me think of death
Decay

Dear Letters Shed,
I must be crap at writing letters. You've yet to use one of mine.. and so...

ALL HAIL GARETH

Dear Letters Shed,
I want to tell you a story about the 1995 ECTS. I had a ticket and so did a few other guys I went with, as I used to own a games shop somewhere in England. A couple of the lads that I used to employ were a bit up for anything games related. If you'd have bet them cash to wank on a playstation (appropriate) they'd have done it at the ects. Anyway, whilst were there, they take a shine to one of the blue psx's making their official debut at that months trade show. They asked to borrow some of the tool I had on me that year as I was working as an engineer. To cut a long story short, in front of everyone at the ECTS "E" nicked a playstation, a bright fucking blue one, from under their noses. I know that psx is still in "private hands" so to speak... I also watched a proto of sonic 2 nicked at the Future entertainment show, 1992... how the tarts guarding it didn't I don't know

Thom sings:
Stealing
Short-term fix
Can't steal self-esteem
Can steal Mars bars.

Dear Letters Shed,
while were are on the subject of Dave "the games Animal" Perry take a look here;

http://www.superkaylo.com/super/html/gbast1.htm

Be sure to look at the rest of this site though as I think UK Resisance readers will like it as much as I did.

Thom sings:
Perry... again
More pain
Nice cartoon
Almost made me smile

Dear Letters Shed,
I'm from Australia and I think that American has problems, what about all the rednecked hillbilly thigh slapping jug blowing cousin rooting moonshine drinking pick-up driving abducted by UFOs boot scootin banjo strummin slack jawed yokels in the good ol US of A? Get rid of the inbreds and 'll think about taking you people seriously.

P.S. where in the world can a single mother of 8 living in a car collect $350 (U.S.) a week on benefits?? Australia that's where!

Thom sings:
America equals hate
Australia... brazen stupidity
England, like an angel, serene,
Above criticism.

Dear Letters Shed,
Why hasn't anyone actually heard of a single person that you stick in your dirty wimmen section? Don't you know 4 billion more americans see this site than britz?
Accomodate us. These women are hot and all, but they don't shave their pits or change their undies regularly. That just won't fly with the highly intellectual, discriminating American market.

Thom sings:
British girls, pretty
American girls, Pregnant on crack
Age 15, married in trailer park
Fattened on burgers, smell of chips. I cry.

Read UK:resistance. It makes me hurt less.

Next week: The Beastie Boys shouting like the spoilt white children they are

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