Letters Shed

Sermon by Father Noel Quimleak

At this time of year, our thoughts always turn to Jesus and the miracle of Easter. But I also want to remind you all of the Saturn - a martyr to its followers who was crucified by those who did not believe the humble machine could be the true son of the mighty Megadrive. Cast aside, spurned was the Saturn, even with the help of the Good Samaritans of UK:Resistance the machine died a lonely death. But the death was not in vain! No!

The Saturn died so that Dreamcast may live! Rejoice in Sega's resurrection!

Dear Letters Shed,
I have tried the getting a japanese girlfriend method of playing Dreamcast games, and i have found it doesn't work, it seems all i get from her while im playing the games is a "mhmhmhhhmhhhhmmh" and a slight discomfort in my genital area. What should i do you bloody blokes? (sorry had to say something that was highly stereotypical of americans views of the british)

Thanks a million.

Words of Wisdom:
I tell everyone I've got a girlfriend even though I haven't - it makes it easier to explain why there are so many womens' clothes in my flat. And after all, was it not Jesus who said: "Japanese girls are smaller, hence a tighter fit. Dad designed them like that for a reason."

Dear Letters Shed,
Mmmmm... thanks for the recent bondage pictures!! They provide me with 'light relief' while I learn about the latest Sega news.. any chance of LOTS, LOTS more? :D :D :D

Dear Letters Shed,
Is there some way to block this site from Yanks??? They are a nation of wankers and should nuke themselves.

Ps This site rocks.

From An Aussie

Words of Wisdom:
As Jesus himself once said, "Judge a man not by the colour of his skin, but by whether he's an American or not." I don't recall the French being mentioned in the Bible, but I'm sure Jesus said something about them being stinking cunts.

Dear Letters Shed,
Oh my gosh! Oh bloomin heck! I am a forty year old hag and i am writing to you naughty terrible people that my poor 2 year old son discovered your website and is scarred for life. After a viewing of your "videogames" page, he went on to beat other kids his ages with the butt of a rifle and he was swearing at people passing by. YOU FLITHY PEOPLE! YOU DISGUST ME! Naughty naughty men. Im going to tell your mothers.

Words of Wisdom:
You won't be able to tell my mother - she's not allowed any phonecalls or visitors, and she's not even eligible for parole until 2019.

Dear Letters Shed,
Something for your Double Entendre Masterclass

..or just a US advert that wouldn't quite work in this country for some reason.


Words of Wisdom:
Pork is definitely the funniest meat, although you can't beat "a nice bit of tongue" in an emergency comedy situation.

Dear Letters Shed,
My cock hurts in canada, cuz its soo cold here.... is wearing a sock over a frosty-tallywacker considered "stuffing your shorts"?

Nathian G.
Toronto, Canada
"My .... poor... balls..."

Words of Wisdom:
A cold hampton? Better give the old chap a quick rub to warm him up a bit! Many of the young choirboys in my parish suffer from the same problem - luckily I have very warm hands. Here's something that should help, taken from my favourite internet pornography series of the year so far:

Dear Letters Shed,
Thought I'd cc you a mail I just sent off to Sega.

Dear nice Sega folks,

I've been playing Sonic Adventure on the Dreamcast for quite a while now. However, I made the shocking revelation that in the animated cartoon series, the voice of Sonic is none other than Jaleel "Steve Urkel" White.

You can see where this is going, can't you? All right, I'll beg of you: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DO NOT LET "URKEL" DO THE VOICE OF SONIC IN THE AMERICAN RELEASE. Use Michael Douglas. Keanu Reeves. Hell, even Bob in accounting would suffice. But to taint such a fine game with White's childish croaking would only spell doom for the impending super-console's American debut.

Please heed my words. Thank you for your time.


Words of Wisdom:
Yeah, thanks for the American cultural references which are no-doubt hilarious in your home country, but leave us a bit confused. We'll consider it as 'payback' for the Ron Atkinson reference on the main page last week.

PS: Tell your knob-weilding redneck President to stop using Cruise missiles as penis substitutes and trying to destroy the whole bloody planet just because the Serb chicks wouldn't suck him off. Thanks.

Dear Letters Shed,
Nick Spolec gracefully offers his AMAZING Princess Crown review, along with an added bonus! His Marvel vs Street Fighter review! Let's get on our knees and thank him! (Not it that way. You have sick minds! Heh heh)

Princess Crown.
Review by Nick Spolec

Great graphics, great fun, and easy to get into make this game a hot one. This should be on any importers list if they haven't gotten it yet. Get this game before it goes out of production again! I got mine from GameCave, my choice importers, and they should still have a few left. The only real downfall is the music, which is only *SOMETIMES* repetitive, but very easily looked past. ===========
Score Recap

Graphics - 9.5
Sound/Music - 8.5
Gameplay/Fun - 9.0
Replay Value - 9.0
Overall - 9.0

Get this game! And don't miss it!

And my advice to anyone worried about the text, DON'T BE! Not only is this game about 90% playablity score for non Japanese speakers, but there is one excellent FAQ/Walkthrough here in the SegaNet FAQ section, but an entire translation of the game at Game translations, http://members.xoom.com/AndriaSang/gametrans.html

- Nick Spolec

Marvel Super Heroes Vs. Street Fighter.
Review by Nick Spolec

If you aren't tired to death of X-Men vs Street Fighter, don't need everything to be completely new, really love fighting games, and think you could have fun with this game, then pick it up if you can, because you will have fun with this game, and fun is the all important factor. If you never got X-Men Vs SF, then get this game now, you will enjoy yourself for a great while. And be sure to get your friends over to play with you, because nothing beats playing against a friend. Finally, if you really loved MSH vs SF in the arcade, get this ARCADE perfect game now, but remember, it will be a little different experience because it is the Japanese arcade version of MSH vs SF, and some things are a tad different from the American arcade version.

Score Recap (Out of 10)

Graphics - 9.5
Sound/Music - 8.5
Gameplay/Fun - 8.5
Replay Value - 8.75
Overall - 9.0

Nick Spolec

Words of Wisdom:
Thank you Nick Spolec! You wrote so much we had to edit everything you said. Was it not Jesus who said: "You should try to keep reviews short"? Any readers wanting the full benefit of Nick's knowledge should mail him for the rest.

And talking of games... we now have a Dreamcast. What are all those dickwads moaning about? Sega Rally 2 is incredible, and Sonic Adventure is beautiful, easily one of the best games released in the last few years. Glitching? Frame rate problems? Do all you people have eyes and brains that work faster than ours? Both games are ace and should be bought without fear.

Dear Letters Shed,
Hi all
I am now back in the Uk working in out patients physio in Northampton .Thanks again for all your support & prayers at this time of my fathers passing, you will never know how much it has helped & what it means to me.

I want to give you my latest contact details & a change of e-mail until the 11 April 99, as they are cutting down on web time here at the hospital so I will be using their e-mail until then. Here goes

Craig French
Northampton General Hospital
NHS Trust
NN1 5 BD

tel. : 01604 634700 ext 5011 Craig in Room 11 ! :-)

Fax. Attn. Craig French 01604 544 822

E-mail : cfrench@nght.demon.co.uk

That's all for now ! Catch ya later
God bless
Love Craig

Words of Wisdom:
Misdirected email or elaborate hoax? Even we don't take pleasure in people's family members dying (unless it's some freak accident involving suffocation, binliners, telephone cord and being found naked hanging by the balls from the shower fitting in a seedy hotel - it's how I want to go, anyway.)

Dear Letters Shed,
I'm literally in pain I've been laughing so much...thanks for the great site...


Words of Wisdom:
Don't get too excited, we probably made this letter up to make ourselves look good.

Dear Letters Shed,
Does anyone know if any of the sim games are coming to the Dreamcast? If not I have some suggestions for alternative sim games:

Sim Dwarf
Sim Stomach
Sim Granny
Sim Windsock
Sim Paper Cup
Sim Carwash
Sim Rudimentary Wooden Hut
Sim The Blokes Who Write Crappy Sim Games
Sim One Leg In A Plaster Cast and T'Other Up Chimney

Words of Wisdom:
Here are our suggestions:

Sim Sega - Players take over a floundering Japanese console company shortly before the Western release of their new console, and have to try to make it a success. You'd start with $100m to piss away sponsoring crap football teams.
Sim Ultaneous - two-player puzzle game
Sim Shitty 2000 - Realistic sim of life in a city: getting lung cancer from car exhaust fumes, frightening smelly pierced men asking you for money, miserable shop assistants who think they're too good to be working in shops, paying a pound for a Coke because you're thirsty and there's only a rip-off newsagents nearby, working all day and not getting home until it's dark so you don't know what your house looks like in the daylight, you know, the usual stuff.
Command and Bonk 'er - Adult S&M simulation
Quim City 2000 - Prostitution/pimping simulation
Theme Narc - Drug dealing sim
DykeOut - Multi-player lesbian fighting game

Dear Letters Shed,
Yo whassup, heard you was down with the 2 unlimited crew so I found dis for you. Comin atcha big stylee.


Oh and by the way I find your site embodies everything I stand for; Low quality nationalist exploitation. Oh, except your funny and i'm a prick.

Kelvin Mackenzie,
Talk Radio, formerly of the Sun and Live TV.
Confessed Twatfaced gimp.

Words of Wisdom:
Yes, you can laugh now, but I'll bet you were on top of that podium with your little white gloves on when 'No Limits' was released. It's my second-favourite hymm ever, just behind 'When a Knight Won His Spurs' in rousing my congregation on a cold Sunday morning

And pretending to be someone you're not is not even remotely clever or amusing - it's just childish.

Your sincerely,
Tony Blair, Prime Minister
10 Downing Street

Dear Letters Shed,
AArghhh bwahahahah!!! This is again the coompatible Itamian who lives in (booo FRANCE booo) I was thinking that american gaames magazines were the worst but now we have a whole lotta new paradigm!!!! ALL French magazines said that SEGA RALLY 2 Sucks!! no i can't believe it!!!! Please someone bring some nuclear weapons here so this stupid nation will cease to exist!!!!!!!! AND FUCK ALL THE DAMN CENSORS!!!!!!!!

Words of Wisdom:
Yeah, and where were those French benders during the war, eh? Hiding in their wine cellars eating onions, leaving our boys to do all the hard work, that's where. Le bastards! French Resistance? Peeling an orange presents more of a challenge than invading France.

Hey, I'm not busy this weekend, how about you and me get a couple of potato guns and go seize Paris?

Dear Letters Shed,
Hey why don't we start a countries war on this letters page, since there are people bitching about system wars on other pages... But why, everyone knows that if it isn't america or a couple countries in Europe, then it sucks. Cause American and Euro cars are the only ones that ever inovate anything or make anything worth driving. Oh and to the guy that says that IGNDreamcast is all american you forgot that Jaz is a brit. too. But this site kicks som serious ASS!!! I am so tired of all these dry sites that read about like a piece of used toilet paper.

Words of Wisdom:
The Japanese make all the best stuff these days anyway, and there's no point in fighting them as they're all mutated and immune to radiation now.

I read that from next year the Japanese government will start replacing it's people with robots that look like kittens, purr when you press X+Y+Z together and start crying if you don't feed them and wipe their arses. Technology, eh?

Dear Letters Shed,
Know any good porn sites?

Words of Wisdom:
Shit yes!

Dear Letters Shed,
I've got a request for an employee of the week, how bout Catherine Zeta Jones. I believe she's Welsh so that should be okay with you guys right, and I really wanna see her half naked and so does everyone else.

Words of Wisdom:
Wales is where we send all the ugly women to die. They don't have to pay tax there, so everyone's a winner.

Next week: We'll be attempting to show even less interest in your letters than ever before!

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