Letters Shed
"Who's in the house (shed)? I said who's IN DA HOUSE (shed)?? Yo! Ray here, from the hardcore 2-U crew, ready to rock YOU, with da one-two, you know what we do, I'll... er... kick you with my shoe, and, er moo like a cow, er... no..."

Yes, thanks Ray! Ray is currently seeking a recording contract to launch his first solo record, so in the mean time he kindly offered to showcase his "wack daddy mack" rapping skills on our letter page! Are y'all ready for this?

Ray raps:
Wickedy-wickedy wack,
I'm Ray from 2-U and I'm back!
Me and the UK Sega crew,
Show other sites what to do!

Dear Letters Shed,
For the love of god call the police, my legs are caught in the lawnmower again, AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ray raps:
Lawnmower, lawnmower, Lawnmower man,
Removing your legs aint part of the plan,
Lawnmower, lawnmower, Lawnmower dude,
Forget about your pain with the UKR crew!

Dear Letters Shed,
In response to that yank dickhead, Australians really don't care if the representative nation of the decay of western civilisation takes us seriously. We won't take you seriously until you shoot the backstreet boys multiple times in the scrotum for their crimes against the world's ear drums. Go fuck a chicken with your brother Jasper behind the barn. Redneck fuckers.

Ray raps:
People, people, don't you see?
We've got to live our lives in unity!
It aint where you from it's where you at,
Unless you're French cos they're all twats!

Dear Letters Shed,
I admit I thought your site would be all tea and crumpets, but am glad to see that instead you're all tits and ass. God, videogames and porn, that has to be the best match since..well..tea and crumpets i guess. You guys have a great site, i almost feel bad about my ancesters kicking your ancestors off their own property and wasting all that Earl Grey. I took an England English class, and after two years of hard study, I'm glad to be able to tell you "bugger off".
Thanks for Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and possibly Warren Ellis.
ps...can i have my tin foil now?

Dear Letters Shed,
Am I the only person who almost pissed his pants when he read that parental concern message? What was that poor parent thinking? Maybe it was like this: "Jesus Christ, this site is all birds and breasts. I should do something. Oh look, a letter shed. That's what I'll do, I'll send the letter shed my concern and it'll be all sorted out. Oh Bitch-ass-whore-Christ, little Billy is into the porn again."
This site is the tits.

Ray raps:
No, no man! That letter was a joke,
You didn't read the punchline fool!
Either you've been inhaling funny smoke,
Or skipping classes at your special school!

Dear Letters Shed,
i can't fucking believe it. i just can't fucking believe it. sony is going to bring grandia to psx in the states. can you believe that? i want to die. i want to die a slow terrible death. sorry that this letter is so serious, but my heart is palpatating...i think...i... think..it..s..stopp..i.ng........

Grandia in English? That's too cool!
Grandia's the Role-Play Game that rules!
What's that you say? Only on PSX?
Damn those mother-fuckin' Sony execs!

Dear Letters Shed,
Just think, you'll be able to access all those porn sites using the dreamcast's modem! Sod being able to use it for VF3 I want porn and lots of it!

Anal, three-way, girl-on-girl,
Downloading porno rocks my world!
My hard drive is full with pics of class,
Horses, and cats with things up their ass!

Dear Letters Shed,
Previously you printed my letter about Honey PVC love. Well I find my fascination with the tight RED bitch mistress clothes she wears is getting worse...every waking night I find my bed a sea of warm white liquid after a torrid dream sequence that sees her straddling me...forcing me to lick every inch of her PVC. Lately she's been joined by Nagi from Last Bronx who both ritually humilate me before making me their cunning'guest. Help!!

Dear Letters Shed,
Arsenal sposored by Sega! Hahahahahahahahaha.

Being half Italian I find the thought of eleven blokes running around in public and on the telly with 'wanker' written across their chests hilarious!

I just hope they don't qualify for europe and have to play in Italy or there might be a public out-cry!


Sega means wanker in Italian,
That doesn't worry me much,
Let's hope they don't play in Amsterdam,
Because Sega means "Fuck off" in Dutch!

Dear Letters Shed,
I'm a Yank who has been enjoying your site for nearly a week now. Your irreverence is matched only by your poor picture doctoring skills. Do you boys participate in any funsy acitvities like 'tea-bagging' or 'tossing the salad'? Your comments and site remind of a few blokes I know who do that!

Ray raps:
Americans, you make me mad,
You think you own the Earth!
One simple fact you can't deny,
British men have more girth!

Dear Letters Shed,
Sega would be mad not to hand the license for the Official Dreamcast magazine to Emap... both Sega Mag and SSM were brilliant, and I find it disturbing that SSM always managed to reach 100 pages every issue for a dying console, while C&VG only just reaches 80 with four major systems to cover! This is made even worse by the fact that there's about two sentences in every review... and the layout is frightening.

Ray raps:
Emap, man, they've lost the plot,
The bosses have gone crazy!
They've got no decent games mags left,
And the staff are bent and lazy!

Dear Letters Shed,
I used to fix David "cunt" Mellor's computers in Savile Row, London. His over-40-but-still-attractive secretary tried it on with me several times. But as soon as I saw his ugly face my interest waned somewhat. I kept thinking if those two had got it on and I didn't want to stir his porridge. Am I normal?

Ray raps:
The sickest letter of the week,
Man, you crazy freakin' freak!
David Mellor's slimy hair?
I'd rather felch out Tony Blair!

Dear Letters Shed,
My Mate in the staes runs the worlds biggest UFO website. The great thing is, he pays for it by running one of the worlds biggest porno sites as well. So next time you're beating your beef and looking at pictures of silicone enhanced mutants at the dsolution site, just remember to click on the banners and help pay for more space on our ufo site.

Ray raps:
Aliens abducted me,
I said "Hey, put me back!"
They beamed me to Hawaii,
I said "Man, aliens are wack!"

Dear Letters Shed,
What the fuck is wrong with this site? How did you ever become a part of SegaNet? You people are crack-heads!

Dear Letters Shed,

If you're playing Sega, you've got to look at titties,
If you're loving Sony, you're probably very shitty,
When you've got some big balls, it's Sega Rally 2,
When you've got some rat balls, it's N64 racing poo,
So pound your shaft very hard, it's the Employee of the Week,
And shoot your bolt all over Sony 'cause they smell like Camel's leak!

On behalf of all the Sega whore bitches, I salute you freaky pimp masters!

Ray raps:
Dude, your rhyming's awful!
Get da fuck out my face!
Now learn from the master,
I'll put yo' in yo' place!

Check ya later UK:R crew! Peace, Ray outta here.

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