Letters Shed
Git yo' trailer trash ass da hell out ma web site, man! Yo' BLEEP 'ing muvva BLEEP ah! Don't even GO there, yo' fi' dollar ho! I kick yo' ass upside yo' BLEEP yo' BLEEP ass! No, YOU said... no, YOU said... no YOU... YOU... BLEEEEEEP! BLEEEEEEP! BLEEEEEEP! *slap* Arrgghhhh!

You know, letters are a lot like life itself - they rarely come, and when they do it usually invloves a man in a uniform putting his hand in your box.

Dear Letters Shed,
It is truly a beautiful thing (wank*wank). Brilliantly written (wank*wank). Solid, informative content (wank*wank). Definitely my favorite site on the web (wank*wank). Keep up the good work (wank*wank). And not exploitive of the female form (wank*wank). Not to mention free (spooooooooooooo).

Thanks a million.

Go Jerry:
You know, life's not all about masturbation - there's...er, there's... lots of other things too, like... like... well, you know, other things.

Dear Letters Shed,
You limeys are fucked up. Where's my money?

Go Jerry:
Where's MY merchandise? That last shipment was cut with sherbert you fucking nonce.

Dear Letters Shed,
Good God. I mean....good God. Was that last "fake jugs" job really necessary? I mean really. Number one: they weren't fake they were just awful. Number two: well, no one needs number two because number one just says it all. Jesus.

Go Jerry:
You know, my father always told me that fat ugly chicks are more likely to put it in their mouths and let you do them from round the back. Just buy them a few drinks, and tell them you've got your own flat and can get them a job on the telly. He was a wise man.

Dear Letters Shed,
Via a friend who has just got back from Japan I have got a Japanese Import Dreamcast and three games, Sonic, Sega Rally 2 and VF3TB. Whilst the are all eminently playable a manual translation would really help get the most out of them. Any suggestions as to where to get them please.

Go Jerry:
You know, learning to truly understand each other is one of the great challenges in any relationship. Try getting a Japanese girlfriend... make sure she's kept her school uniform.

Dear Letters Shed,
I got interested in the UK Sega Saturn Magazine late in the summer of 1998. I'd just bought a used Saturn on the cheap, and I noticed the issue with the big Dreamcast feature in a bookstore that carried imported magazines. I liked it. It had a much more humorously honest perspective than most American gaming magazines tend to have; sort of like "Yes, we're deranged drooling maniacs, is this a problem?" So, of course, it went under about two issues later. I'm bad luck, I suppose.

Now I've happened upon your website, and I'm pleased, because it has a similar spirit. Your Dead Or Alive 2 feature illustrates the difference between American and British publications that I was talking about. Go to the American Imagine Games Network Dreamcast site, and they're nattering on about "gameplay," "incredibly fluid animation," and "vastly varying levels." In contrast, you guys are willing to come out and be up-front about why you, me, and everybody else wants to play the game: BRING ON THE F---ING CLEAVAGE! I respect that kind of honesty.

Go Jerry:
Fluid animation? Yes, we got very animated, and you should see the amount of fluid. How DoA 2 plays is immaterial - the amount of, ahem, column inches it would get should make it a launch game for the Western world. You know, it actually looks like Dreamcast will have a sensational Western launch after all - Rally 2, Sonic, HotD 2 - and that's not including the European-coded games, which, as we're better than everyone else, should be really great games! We were worried, but it's looking rather good now, especially with loads of the 'trendy' mags doing little features on Dreamcast too.

Dear Letters Shed,
I just read your site and think it's brilliant. Funnier, indeed, than Steven Hawking having a wank. Or indeed, that My Left Foot bloke. Top wit, well written and highly amusing. Or, as Joseph Deacon would say, "mmmmggghhh bfffuluuuugh mnuuuummmmmmmm".

Go Jerry:
You know, laughing at people with disabilities is not funny in the least. Oh no, hang on, yes it is! Ha ha ha! Joey Deacon! You're a Joey! Deee-con! Deee-con! Joey Deeeeee-con!

Dear Letters Shed,
I was wondering about the appalling lack of updates this site suffers from. The Disinformation is God knows how old and the front page still has that article talking about the pathetic Saturn sales. I'm not saying your site sucks it's far from it. But it would help If you updated at least 3 times a week (Seganet updates every day). Put more of those funny gay shame articles and maybe some more fake jugs on the side? Put more false articles they're a hell of a lot funnier than the truthful ones.

Go Jerry:
So we should just "do more" then? If you want daily news updates read SegaNet. If you want Seganet's news recycled a thousand times over, read any of the other Sega sites out there. If you want to be driven mad by anal people bitching and whining about morals and crying about stuff like a bunch of schoolgirls who've just been told to "fuck off" by Leonardo DiCaprio, read the forum at Dreamcast Tech Pages. There really is a rather large amount of choice out there, why not just visit us once a week? Or start up your own site? Thanks for the letter though, don't mean to sound ungrateful.

Dear Letters Shed,
@jakarta... hmm yes ! yet another part of the dixons empire... those display Dreamcasts are empty.... but heres the really interesting stuff about Dixons at the mo... The whole Freeserve thing is about to sink ....why coz as you so rightly say DSG make 0.01p out of every penny on your local call rate.... so what ? Local Call rates by definition are ment to be nonprofit ie the cheapest they can be. OFTEL are currently looking in to the whole thing. and all these freeserves' are going to have to start charging ! Every company under the sun is bringing out their free internet connection so hopefully you stay with them when you will have to start paying ! How do I know this ? I happen to be employed by Dixons, and I freelance for a major telephone company called telinco.

Go Jerry:
You've got it the wrong way round. The telephone laws were changed only recently, allowing telecomms companies to "cream off" some of their charges as an incentive for companies to use their networks, allowing the "free access" schemes that we're now being flooded with to start up. You work for Dixons? Ooh, that must make you really clever - last time I was in Dixons six shop assistants were trying to get a TV picture on a cardboard box.

Dear Letters Shed,
Keep the site goin' the way its headed because it's funny as hell. How 'bout changing your site's name to UK: Friction, kinda' like resistance only kinkier. Canada kicks ass.

PS: To all the dudes that write the fucked up letters, you're all a bunch of timid little pussies trying to sound tough. You can still write an intelligent letter and be the krayziest bastard alive, i should know, i am that bastard.

Go Jerry:
UK:Friction? How about UK:Auto Erotic Asphyxiation? Had a close shave last night, only just managed to get the bin liner off in time before I blacked out.

Dear Letters Shed,
Do you like phone sex? Of course, don't we all? Well, do I have a great service for you, where a live girl is always waiting to fulfill your every sexual desire. You pay no outrageous premium charges. All you pay is the regular international long distance charge..as low as 48 cents per minute. So, why not call now? All my girls are hot and waiting to get you off. Just dial 1-664-410-4979. Stop sitting in online chat rooms waiting for someone to talk dirty to you and call us now. Again..the number is 1-664-410-4979. If busy try 1-664-410-3549 or 1-784-490-3388

Gay? Bi? Curious?...try this number..1-664-410-1208

You must 18 or older to use this service.

Go Jerry:
What's the code for America?

Dear Letters Shed,
Yo! Mike D! Tell me where it's at,
Is the Dreamcast fly, or a pile of shat?
Eatin' Snickers bars until I am fat,
Tell me where it's at, you yankee twat.

Hey Ad-Rock, come on spill the beans,
Do you play Se-ga, or are you a queen?
Come tell us now, cos we know you're keen
Before you (again) become an old has-been.

Who's in the house? It's MCA,
We know that it's Sega he likes to play,
Do you scan the rude pics here every day?
Or do you like little boys, tell us are you gay?

Go Jerry:
Shut up!
Man, we're sick of ya noise,
We're sick of the hyped-up Beastie Boys,
You've got small knobs, hence the over-compensation,
All you want is man-to-man communication!

Intergalactic shoutin' fairies!

UK:R on the case from the UK base,
We'll launch the Inter-net into outer space,
When it comes to games, we're men on a mission,
We generate power by eating fish 'n'... CHIPS!
Whips! We like our porn,
We came out wanking when we were born,
Don't try to stop us, or you'll get torn...

Intergalactic shoutin' fairies!

Weeeeell, My name is Jerry from UK:R,
The two-time rapmaster superstar,
I know shit about games but I know how to play,
I can guarantee that UK:R aint gay,
Don't ask me how I know, but I know they grow,
When they see the girls on my strippers show!

Intergalactic shoutin' fairies!

Dear Letters Shed,
frank spenc-ah blues explosion.. [wot?] i have a special message for the beastie boys from mc sega dreamcast of the prodigy - he says 'we do what the f**k we like - you politically correct twonks may want us to only release games about being very nice to tibet, but we're keeping 'smack my sonic up' in our release schedule. and i'm hard, too. shit, my scary cats-eye contact lenses are stuck to my cornea.'

sheena easton.. punk rocker sheena easton..

Go Jerry:
The Prodigy are rubbish these days too. Do you remember when Keith used to have long blonde hair, and just used to dance? That was back when having a number one used to mean something. Honestly, the record companies are ruining the whole market by releasing singles cheap for the first week. Remember when records used to go in at number 30, go up to 15 the next week, then 6, then 2, then maybe number one? A group is a failure if they don't go right in at number one these days. And have you seen that Britney Spears video? Great idea sticking her in a school uniform, that would make even Billie's videos worth watching. Steps? For fucks sake, don't give me that post-modern Abba-chic crap - you're just a bunch of buff twats miming to someone else's songs. And why all the Bee Gees covers? Has everyone forgotten how to write words down? Probably spent too much time at stage school learning how to smile and doing sit-ups to learn how to read. And what's with B*Witched? They look like a female version of Status Quo with all that denim, only at least the blokes in the Quo look more like women than that bunch of Irish boilers. Astley, Donovan, Minogue, come back! We need your pop expertise to save us!

Dear Letters Shed,
Thank you for proving that America is much better than England by having the Beasties do the letter section. You think Fernando would ever let, who, Tricky do letter answering? We rule.

But don't get too down, you could after all be French, which I believe in of itself is a violation of basic human rights.

ps..Who do you guys think looks better as a woman, Tony Blair or Magaret Thatcher?

Go Jerry:
You know, another thing my father always said was: "The Beastie Boys are shite. All they do is shout. That's not music." He was a wise man.

Dear Letters Shed,
I'd like to know what you brits think about the president Clinton scandal thingy, you know the one with the ugly chick giving him a blowjob.

What is right or wrong?
I don't know who to believe in
My soul sings a different song
In America

Go Jerry:
Don't care. I wouldn't let some woman suck MY cock! Oh wait a minute, yes, yes I would.

Dear Letters Shed,
Shame on you UK:R, your japes will shurely end in grief, plenty of 'glamour' pics and the shed idea nicked from someone I'm sure of it. Sorry about that.

As your reward, check out some 'Edge-style' pretentious twats:


We're trying to get them to breed. not really that would be horrific. Also, lay off the Beastie Boys, they've turned around the boiler suit industry - ah, you just pick on em cos they're ideologically opposed to violence ya fookin bullies!!!

"UK:R : It pushes the cheesy wheelbarrow up the Bourneville Boulevard!"

Go Jerry:
The shed 'nicked' from somewhere else? You mean the idea of having a letters page has been done before?! Damn! And stop being rude about Edge, it deserves some respect for maintaining a shred of dignity while simultaneously being the lowest-selling games magazine in the whole country.

Next week: Opah Winfrey has the audacity to give other people dieting tips.

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