Letters Shed

Letters answered by our gimp.

Dear Letters Shed,
Kudos for this excellent, light-hearted DC site. It's good to see that there are people out there who don't have their heads stuck up their asses.

Anyway, on to my topic. Recently, there was a rumor spreading throughout the various US message boards that Soul Calibur would be edited so that the "bounce" would be removed and Ivy covered up. Needless to say, that was proven false.

However, I did notice that the internet modes would be removed. Have you heard of any possible release of an internet-compatible version in the future. Also, will European and American gamers be able to play against/with each other online, or will the networks be restricted to the continent the game is being sold in?

Words of Wisdom:
Thanks. Due to the vastly differing skill levels between US and European gamers, Sega of America are setting up several "special needs" servers to cater for simple US players.
The US Dreamcast is also being downgraded to a 1.2k modem, as that's all that's needed to keep up with their chin-dribbling reaction times.

Dear Letters Shed,
Carol Vorderman dancing on the sweet legs of Baby Jesus, when we gonna see more video game characters WITH THEIR TITS OUT!!!!!!!!!! I do so enjoy me a good 'oil check' every now and then with those pics.

Ever since all the good gay sites startin' chargin' your father's credit cards... he's been behind me almost every day.

See you at Christmas,
Mom

Words of Wisdom:
I got Carol Vorderman to give me her autograph the other day. She asked me what my name was and I said "Carol Vorderman."

She didn't seem surprised, she just signed the picture and left quickly. I've gone off her.

Dear Letters Shed,
I'm up for a country bitch fest being Australian you should know that-

-We are the crap that England didn't want 200 years ago but it turns out that the prison turned out to be a resort compared to the mother country.

-Americans still think we are entertained by their feeble attempts to quote Paul Hogan.

-Brits think we're entertained by winning a test matches by an innings and 981 runs in a game cut 3 days short by ran.

-We've been making clones of Elle for years now whilst you get excited about sheep

Respectfully yours
Pauline Hanson

Words of Wisdom:
"I'm from Australia, therefore I must constantly list the good things about Australia."

If Australians are so clever, how come they wear those stupid leather shorts and slap their thighs all the time?

Dear Letters Shed,
this site is the funniest ever, I love the way you're the only guys in the world not afraid to say the PS2 is a pile of shit.

Words of Wisdom:
Essen mein sheisse!

Dear Letters Shed,
Hey, you guys are great. I know you hate us Yanks but you hate those Fench bastards even more! I like that.

Words of Wisdom:
Hey, it's not just the Yanks, Germans and the French we hate. As English people, we believe we are superior to all other nations in the whole world, as I believe two world wars and the 1966 World Cup prove.

Here's a complete list of every country we hate:

America

Australia

Canada

France

Netherlands

Sweden

Germany

Ireland

Belgium

Singapore

Denmark

New Zealand

Italy

Brazil

Malaysia

Japan

Spain

United Arab Emirates

Finland

Austria

Hong Kong

Switzerland

Norway

Mexico

Portugal

Korea (South)

Korea (North)

Czech Republic

Saudi Arabia

Cyprus

Greece

Russian Federation

Chile

Taiwan

Thailand

Indonesia

Poland

Philippines

Iceland

South Africa

China

Moldova

Argentina

Brunei Darussalam

Malta

Luxembourg

Israel

Slovenia

Paraguay

Costa Rica

Saint Lucia

Pakistan

Hungary

Macedonia

Bahrain

Dominican Republic

Croatia (Hrvatska)

Old style Arpanet

Bermuda

Monaco

Maldives

Uruguay

Fiji

Bahamas

Jordan

Venezuela

Zambia

Zimbabwe

Kuwait

USSR (former)

Peru

Puerto Rico

Andorra

Turkey

Antigua and Barbuda

Estonia

Qatar

Ethiopia

Dear Letters Shed,
Over here in the US, we don't always understand the high sophistication of Briish culture and slang, so I need you guys to help me with something. See, my friend mentioned something about the French being referred to as "frogs." We came up with two theories. One is that it's a word thing, because they both begin with "fr," and "french person" has an "o" as the second to the last letter, just like "frog."

Lastly, "francais" when spelled with one of those weird-ass little things underneath the "c" looks like it might be a "g," and there you have it, "frog." The other thought is that maybe the French have slimy warty skin. Please help!!

Words of Wisdom:
They eat frogs' legs. And you hallucinate if you lick their dirty backs. They also eat horses, dogs, kittens and rats. They go to the toilet on the floor of their houses. Don't EVER go there, unless you're part of some army having to bail them out AGAIN.

Dear Letters Shed,
Uhm. I've got a problem. You see, I really want a Dreamcast, but I can't afford one! How should I go about raising money to get the most money in the shortest amount of time? I was thinking of being a pimp, but I've heard drug dealers make more! But the pimps do less jail time if they're caught! Do you have any suggestions!? Thanks!

Words of Wisdom:
Make an invention which everyone wants, then sell the rights to a major corporation. Here are some suggestions:
1. A wanking machine
2. X-Ray glasses
3. A wanking machine
4. Cars which run on piss
5. A wanking mach... oh.

Dear Letters Shed,
Shed U rok. More pix of dykes.

Words of Wisdom:
Being gay is wrong. Jesus said so in the bible. Choirboys don't count, though. He said that to me in confidence some time later, although it wasn't admissable in court.

Dear Letters Shed,
What happens when you watch the little white dot all night after the channel has finished ?

Words of Wisdom:
In your eager rush to make a joke, you forgot that TV is now on 24 hours a day. Do you remember when BBC2 used to have "pages from Ceefax" on all day until 8:00pm, then a programme about books presented by a man in a bow tie?

Channel 4 has gone downhill too. There always used to be some great lesb... er, French films on most evenings to 'enjoy', now it's just twats with camcorders making programmes about how funny they are.

Can't remember the last time I saw anything wank-worthy on TV. Bits is nice though. That strong American chick makes me want to activate this suit's suction unit.

The last time I watched ITV, Michael Barrymore was pissing on some grandma's face while doing an impression of Adolf Hitler sucking off Jeremy Beadle in the style of Cilla Black. Mind you, that was back in 1992 - that kind of thing was acceptable then.

And if I see Chris Evans' ginger-acorn cock again I shall demand a refund of my TV license.

Dear Letters Shed,
Segaweb.com are selling Jap DCs for 125 pounds, games for 30-35 quid...

Words of Wisdom:
What a fantastic bargain! Well done to Adam and all at Segaweb!

Dear Letters Shed,
Whatever happened to that British dick who did all that stuff there? You know who I mean. I think he worked for the electric company.

Words of Wisdom:
That was Dave. He got sacked for wanking in the boss' tea.

Dear Letters Shed,
This site rocks! My god, its like you've opened the gateways of Nirvana and asked me to step inside. If you ever never anyone to bomb sony headquarters, let me know. I've got C-4 and I know how to use it.

~The One Ture Mecha Sonic

PS, do you people like Jackie Chan?

Words of Wisdom:
We invented Jackie Chan. Well, Jonathon Ross did by going on about him all the time, otherwise he'd still be "that martial arts guy from Smokey & the Bandit 2".

Shame that hollywood ignored him while he was in his prime, and now he's pushing fifty and getting his break when the poor guy's just not up to it any more.

I was his stunt double in the 1983 film 'Master of Sacred Cup', but only for the scenes which involved genital torture.

Dear Letters Shed,
Shed I'm curious, do you ever rip on Victor Ireland? He aint Sega's best friend anymore! I think he needs help, what can u do for him?

Words of Wisdom:
Victor Ireland is a self-important maker of games only about ten people actually care about. You'd think he'd love Sega.

There was a boy at my school called Victor. He had asthma and we used to beat him up. I doubt it was the same one.

Dear Letters Shed,
I'm FINALLY back in my native UK after my 3 year trip to Japan. This site makes me feel right at home (Sniff). Anyway, I did recieve a Dreamcast out of the trip, and i enjoy it very much, even though the PAL converter chops half the screen off.

I do have a question, though: I was wondering what your feelings are to the people in New Zealand?

Also, I will join you on your crusade to sieze Paris any time you need me. I have made a potato gun up just for the trip.

Words of Wisdom:
That's okay, Paris shouldn't take me more than a day on my own.

I will make my fingers into the shape of a gun, shout "boo!" and watch them wee themselves and cry to Tony Blair.

Dear Letters Shed,
Do you ever consider that you have Gay readers? Your constant gay bashing is just fucking ignorant.

Words of Wisdom:
Our constant gay bashing is ironic, highlighting and satirising the gay bashing that goes on for real.

You must be gay if you can't see that. Bender! Bender!

Dear Letters Shed,
Do you realise that this current Letters Shed is called Shed 7, as in the failed Britpop band?

Words of Wisdom:
Yes. We were going to make a joke about it, but couldn't remember any of their songs.

Such is fame. I saw Haddaway behind the fish counter of my local ASDA yesterday.

Dear Letters Shed,
Hedgedog is herisson in french, so it is Sonic l'herisson.

Words of Wisdom:
Like we've got time to go around learning French. It'll be like Latin in ten years.

I had that Alice Beer in my shop the other day, she was complaining about my shrivelled plums and lack of quality service. Some people are never happy.

Dear Letters Shed,
Note To Self: Stop using other people's letter system to send notes to self........ IMMEDIATELY!

Words of Wisdom:
Clever. Now FUCK OFF wasting our time.

Next week (or year): Stand by for the most banal letters selection yet!

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