"Hello, I work for Sony. You might like to know that the PlayStation 2 can do one hundred trillion polygons per second, and will be much better than the Dreamcast - even though it doesn't exist yet."

It's bullshit, all of it, the release date, the polygon count, the whole business! Our insider contacts sent us this astounding picture of the PlayStation 2's planned joypad - it only has two buttons! Forget moaning about Dreamcast's six-button layout, PlayStation 2 will be virtually unplayable with this stupid pad!

How on Earth can Namco produce their Tekken games with only two buttons? How can any racing games be controlled without any form of directional pad? Street Fighter III? No chance! How anybody will buy a machine with such a stupid pad design is beyond us - PlayStation 2 doesn't stand a chance with this pad! Ha ha ha!

Next week: Only 64k of RAM and a cassette tape drive??! Our insiders spill more devastating beans!