Almost as delayed as PS2 Tomb Raider -- but less likely to crash and wipe your memory -- it's some new UKR! We've now done 12 issues in a year, and that's counting the 'pork pie' thing. At least we're not dead. At least we're still here, acting as a signpost back to happier days, pretending there's still something to say about the games industry other than IT'S ALL SHIT or THERE'S NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE. It is all shit and there isn't any hope, but at least we have the fun of watching PlayStation2 fizzle out over the next 12 months to look forward to. Seriously. In 12 months time we'll meet you back here and laugh about how it all ended so badly for Sony's video game empire. It's over. It's dying more each day. Watch it go.

What's PS2 creator Ken Kutaragi fantasising about happening?

SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ken was fantasising about Bill Gates getting arrested as part of the
'Operation Ore' investigation into child pornography.

Magic Device exclusively revealed!
A man called Stefan sent us this to use on the site. He's a big man with a scary edge, so we felt it impossible to refuse. He might just flip and kill us if we did. He comes across a bit like that. See how his rudimentary drawings resemble serial killer art! Anyway, here it is.

PRESS RELEASE

NEW UKR CONSOLE ANNOUNCED

Taking a lead from Sony, we will be releasing a portable games machine
in 2006. Or something.

It will have a magic processor, with some kind of magic screen.

Also, it will be able to show 80 million fully detailed polygons at a time,
as well as more colours than have been invented.

Its shape, is also, some kind of magic shape, possibly a new kind of
rectangle that no one has ever seen before.

It will also use an amazing proprietary media format that we are calling the
Unbelievable Magic Disc (tm). The Unbelievable Magic Disc will be able to
hold more than 100 GB of data. Or something.

In fact, to prove that the Magic Disc exists, here's a picture of me holding it:

Below are the specifications:

MIPS 32bit core (Magic)
Main memory: embedded DRAM (Magic)
90nm semiconductor technology (Again, magic)
Super one-chip solution with graphics, sound, etc (Most magic part of all)

We understand that our "super one chip solution with graphics, sound etc"
might sound a little far fetched, as if we made this up last night or
something. However, you forget that it's all magic.

Also included is a close up of the UMD

Feedback appreciated.

UKR console development team.

HOW THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF THE SEGA SATURN HAD BEEN A HUGE SUCCESS
PART ONE:

Frenchman JF Cecillion would not have been hired as European head for the Dreamcast launch, Sega therefore wouldn't have spunked all its marketing budget away on sponsoring the Frenchman-managed Arsenal, Arsenal would have then have had less money to spend on French players so more English players would've emerged through its youth team, which would've resulted in a stronger English national side which would have definitely won the 2002 World Cup.

JAPANESE FRIEND NEEDED!
Do you live in Japan? If so, we would like to be your BEST INTERNET FRIEND! We're giving, considerate, patient and understanding people who will always be there for you (via email and ICQ ONLY). All we ask in return is that we can use your home address to order Sega Direct Merchandise. One package a week will arrive at your home, which you simply repackage and forward to us -- and we'll be your friend for ever! Stuff like this:

So let us be your REALLY COOL ENGLISH FRIENDS! We'll send you photos of us, and can even arrange to send you prestigious English merchandise in exchange like Harry Potter toys, Mustard, photographs of David Beckham and bowler hats with 'fuck me' written on. It'll be great!

You don't have to live anywhere cool like Tokyo or Osaka, any old town or village will do, and you don't even have to be a girl. All we want is someone to buy us things and post them over. Please, be our SPECIAL JAPANESE FRIEND. Thank you much for time listening!

(We may even get you to send us two of everything, so we can sell one on at a 100% mark-up. Like this guy does).

A gift from Simon Dominguez
We are nothing if not a magnet for people who still dream about Sega RISING ONCE AGAIN TO CRUSH ALL. Here, presented in a style which suggests Simon often stays up late to watch David Letterman on ITV2 (and is therefore almost bound to be unemployed and thinking about writing a novel as a way to escape his current lifestyle before he hits 30), is his list of the...

Top 10 saddest things we've seen on Phantasy Star Online this month

10. People playing the Xbox version saying that they've been playing since
the Gamecube and everyone else are not true hardcore fans.

9. The American who told us "I'm not usually on this early, but Jenny Jones
is shit this morning."

8. The guy on the American ship pretending to be Japanese to get rare items
out of people, with whom a casual conversation revealed he did not speak a
word of the language.

7. The legion of FOmars who are hyper-defensive about their hetrosexuality,
and spend all their time typing "It's not a dress!" over and over.

6. Anyone convinced that everyone with a female character is actually female.

5. People playing the Gamecube version saying that they've been playing
since the Dreamcast and everyone else are not true hardcore fans.

4. The HUmar called "Beavis" who spent THREE HOURS typing "Huh huh huh, huh
huh, huh huh huh."

3. The guy who spends all day, every day on the Japanese server looking for
a wife.

2. People who have online boy/girlfriends, who have no intention of ever
meeting in real life. (If the guy who said he was going to kill himself
because his online GF had dumped him is anything to go by, expect the gene
pool to get a whole lot stronger very soon.)

1. People still playing the Dreamcast version (which gets shut down next month).

Fun with the T-Mobile promotional image archive
If we'd kept up to speed with internet technology, we would've put a text box on here which lets you add your captions beneath the picture, like a weblog or a messageboard or something. But we can't do that. This is still all being written in Notepad for Christ's sake. You'll have to email your caption suggestions and we'll upload them here for the next update*.

*Currently scheduled for Spring/Summer 2004

Domains we once worshipped that have since died
All these people have moved on and stopped caring. Either they grew out of games or committed messy suicide when Dreamcast started wobbling to its own sad, inglorious end. But we still remember. We will always remember. Only www.sega-saturn.com still serves as a reminder.

http://www.dimension-s.com

http://www.dreamcast-hq.net

http://www.dreamcastlife.com

http://www.katana-edge.com

http://www.dchq.com

http://www.sega-zone.com

http://www.ukresistance.com

See if your favourite old site from back when people cared still exists, by visiting...

The most out of date games links page in the world!

PSO -- Vindicated!
Yes! Result! After years of never playing PSO and insisting it's awful, repetitive nonsense, based merely on the fact that it looks like awful, repetitive nonsense, we finally sat down with the Xbox version and were proved right. It really is awful, repetitive nonsense. Here's our PSO 'first night' diary.

8 minutes: Sign away £5.95 a month until they close the servers (about four months from now, judging by the pathetic number of people playing).

12 minutes: An online game starts. We're in some kind of empty room. It's not much fun. There's nothing to 'play'. Where's all the cybersex we were promised?

22 minutes: A hasty phonecall to a PSO-loving friend reveals we're standing in some sort of "space ship" and need to "beam" down to "the planet".

31 minutes: We join what appears to be a game and appear in another empty room. It seems we're in a "block" that no one's playing in. Disconnect and try again.

38 minutes: One man joins the game we started. Nothing much seems to be happening. Say this to the man. The man says that's because we're not on the planet yet.

49 minutes: The man leads us to the teleport bit. He's new too. He's at level 4, we're at level one. We both teleport down to some woods. Our character dies. The other man revives us, but gets attacked while he's reviving us and dies in the process.

52 minutes: Left alone to survive, we quickly die again. The man suggests going back up to the ship and starting again. Agreed.

61 minutes: Teleport back down to the woods again. Die after about a minute. The man asks us what weapon we have equipped. We tell the man we didn't know you had to equip a weapon. At this point, cybersex seems a very distant dream. We are impotent in a strange land.

68 minutes: Teleport back down to the woods again, this time with a gun equipped. The gun won't shoot straight, and even when it does hit an enemy it does little damage. We die. Man revives us. We die again. Man dies again from being attacked when reviving us. Sensing that the man is probably starting to lose patience with us, we thank the man for playing with us and suggest we play the game offline a bit to boost our power before returning. The man agrees.

84 minutes: Playing it offline. Back to the same woods. The same enemies. Kill a few. More appear. Kill them. More appear. We die.

86 minutes: Back to the same woods. Our hopelessly ineffective gun and the impossible aiming system makes us die once more.

92 minutes: We return to the woods with a strategy. Run towards the enemy to line up a shot, then turn round and fire. This seems to work, but is slow and often leads to us getting attacked. Think for a moment about persevering, hastily decide against it.

VERDICT: OK, so three years ago it was a great novelty to be able to play AND chat at the same time on the humble Dreamcast. We can see that. We understand why people liked it, especially fat people with no friends what with how it let them speak to people without the horrible misconceptions that blighted their lives up to that point. But now, when in-game chatting is the norm on Xbox, PSO is a pioneer that's become outdated so very quickly. So there.

The Beautiful Peephole
It's the new and non-time-period-sensitive name for Employee of the Week!

Shit things about the internet. #9: Adults wallowing in self-pity
Just stop all this "Look at me, look at how I'm hurting" bullshit. Yeah, boo hoo. Haven't got a girlfriend? Feel like you're different from everyone else? That's because you're a MOANING GIT, not because you're all special and misunderstood like Thom Yorke out of Radiohead. Self-pity is all so 1990s. It's just no way for a man to behave. This decade is about SHUTTING UP WHINING and getting on with it. If you don't agree write a poem about how we don't understand you, then DO IT. DO IT. END IT ALL.

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  ___  ____ __ __  __  ___ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
 /   |/  ' |  '  |/ o\/ __'| '  \| | __/ __| '_ \
|  o |  o  | |_| |  __|__ ||  o  | | || (__| | | |
 \__ |\_/|_|_| |_|\___)__./|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
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\___/ 23.06.03 *ISSUE 12*
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Q: How many games PRs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Dunno. Just put 'TBA'

HOW THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF THE SEGA SATURN HAD BEEN A HUGE SUCCESS
PART TWO:

Everyone would've bought Radiant Silvergun for £39.99 when it was released in the UK, Ebay therefore would've closed after the first three months due to the lack of interest in buying obscure and over-priced Japanese import games, and Video CD would still be the dominant A/V format.

Rez -- An apology
We're not sorry about saying it's awful -- it clearly is. YOU JUST MOVE A CURSOR AROUND A SCREEN. That's not a game, that's a learning aid for rehabilitating brain damaged patients. No, we're just sorry we didn't fish 50 copies of it out of the bargain bins this time last year when it was being flogged off for £4.99, so we could sell them for £50 to Ebay FOOLS for £50 now. We're hoovering up discounted PAL Gamecube stock like there's no tomorrow, so we can sell you Ikaruga for £75 next year. See you then!