UKR SPECIAL: Complaints from retro gamers!
They're easily angered, these retro gamers. Here are the emails of complaint our "Retro Gaming" special generated, along with a few of our replies. One man was clearly insane and/or foreign and really keen on debating with us. So we strung him along, waiting for him to rumble us or get bored. He did neither. We got bored instead. If you want proof that "retro gaming" appeals only to losers with no sense of humour, here it is!

There were more, but an email accident resulted in everything sort of getting deleted.


COMPLAINT 1:

"Hi idiot!

"I saw your website about the retro gaming... You disqualified yourself as a neurotic pervert by the words "The women on the left look BETTER than real women" in case study #3. (Wank wank wank, yes? Do you prefer child p0rn too, becase it uses "newer ware"?)

"Sorry, but you need brain surgery... And the complete article is stupid. What will you say as next? That Bush is the best president ever?

"Man, live your own life and stop publish these idiotic lies. If you don´t like retro gaming, just shut up. WE are proud of our roots, if you are still a child (at least in your mind), you will never understand this. Great graphic does not make better game!"

OUR REPLY:
Retro games look shit! They're all green graphics!! How can you say they are
better? My mate was playing one called R-type and the screen and backgrounds
weren't even in 3D!

I'd never play anything that wasn't in 3D

THE RESPONSE
"Is 3D the only reason why you play play a game? Is the Gfx the most importat thing in a game? I played some unplayable games on PC and nextgen consoles (Yes, I have 3 PC´s, DC, and PS), and the 3D graphic does not save anything. In fact one of the best PC games I ever played was Master of Orion II, and it has no stupid useless 3D. But don´t worry, There are a lot of cool retro games with 3D graphic.

"If all retro games have green graphic, you did something wrong. Too many drugs?

"Retro games are better because they are playable, and coded with intelligence, to run on low-Mhz machines.

"How can you say retro games are shit if you: "I'd never play anything that wasn't in 3D", you talk about something, that you never saw? Are you sure from U.K.? You sound like a american..."

OUR REPLY:
Of course graphics are the most important things in games! You can't even
have a game without graphics. So as graphics get better, so do games. How
can you not see that?

Without 3D, classics like Tomb Raider 2 and Tomb Raider 3 would never have
been possible.

Not ALL old games are rubbish, there are a few on PSone that I would still
play nowadays, but most of them can be ignored because they look so bad.

And weren't all old games just made by one person? How can that be better
than something which has up to 100 people working on it? (I heard Grand
Theft Auto Vice City had 970 people working on it!!!)"

THE RESPONSE
"Then you are completly wrong... If a game has excellent graphics, but the gameplay is rubbish, you will like it? And if there are a lot of bugs, do you like it too?

"Surely, there are excellent games with good graphic, but you cannot play a game only because it got fantastic graphic.

"And do not forget, in 10 years the games you play now are outdated and with "primitive" graphic. What is left, is the game play...

"100-1000 people working on a game is bad, because there can be more bugs. And it is not absolutly true that classic games are made by one person. Yes, this is correct for most pre-1985 titles, but after this, more and more teams worked on them. mostly 1-3 coders, 1 graphican, 1 musican and a team director.

"Now we have 40 directors. 30 coders (now you know why there are allways so many bugs), 30 graphicans (1 for title picture, 20 for textures, 8 for character faces and 1 for font), 10 musicans, for each level one, 10 level designers, 2 story writers and the others just bring the food or design cover art. This did not make the games better, but much more expensive.

"How many names of cult coders do you know from present game era, and how many from the "classic" era we know?

"I like retro games and I´m proud of this.

"I know that I can´t change your opinion, but you cannot change mine too."

OUR REPLY:
I don't understand how you can say 'you can't play games with just good
graphics'.

I own plenty of games that I only play because they have good graphics. It's
so cool to sit there and see amazing graphics! Who cares if the game isn't
much fun when the graphics are as good as they are in Tomb Raider 3?! I
still sometimes like to think about the graphics in Tomb Raider 3, because
they were the best graphics ever.

I don't want to change your opinion, I just think that you and people like
you need to see that gameplay isn't the only thing that makes games worth
playing.

Even really early and basic games like Tomb Raider 1 are still good because
of their 3D graphics. You can't say that Tomb Raider would've been as good
as it was if it was only made in 2D!

THE RESPONSE
"So you enjoy remakes of old games with new fantastic 3D graphic? I played some of them, and they are mostly no match to the original if it comes to playbility. I can only say that a lot people prefer bad graphic and excellent gameplay than fantastic graphic and a stupid gameplay with lot of bugs and the player figure dies easy without any reasons.

"Okay, Tomb Raider is excellent game, but never say that this would never work in 2D (forget the gameboy version).

"Personaly I prefer to play a pseudo 3D game like Eye of the beholder more than Ultima underworld, but that´s about me. 3D Graphic did not make good games, it just make games look better... Ask yourself why there are games with excellent 3D graphic, but they fail to get a good score in game review magazines."

OUR REPLY:
Games with good 3D graphics get bad review scores in magazines because the
magazines are bias. People on magazines like 2D games because they are old,
so anything that's new and 3D gets bad marks. And Nintendo used to give the
magazines free stuff (like sweets and T-shirts) to make sure all of Sega's
3D games got bad marks and to make Sega die out and so Mario would beat
Sonic.

I bet if they made Tetris in 3D all magazines would say it was rubbish
because they hate 3D, but of course it would be even better with 3D
graphics! Imagine a proper Tetris in 3D. Wow, that's all I can say.

Like Street Fighter -- the 3D one was loads better! It was bad to play, but
who cares when its graphics were so cool!

I'd like them to remake all old games with 3D graphics, so you can play
them better and see what is going on. Sega should make a 3D Donkey Kong or
something.

THE RESPONSE
"The 3D Tetris was called "Block out" and it got quite good scores, but not because it has 3D graphic, but because it was a new idea. Another one was called "Welltris", and it got goot scores too, but now both of them are retro games.

"You say Street Fighter 3D was bad to play, that´s exactly what I mean... But if you judge games by their graphics, unlike every professional game reviewer, did you not think, you are a weirdo? You are in fact the only one I know, with such a strange opinion.

"The remakes I played until now was not allways better than the original games. Some ot them are excellent, but not ONLY because they got good graphics, but also because the gameplay was improved with new ideas.

"The tale that Nintendo give free stuff to the magazines is not true. They give them financial help...

WE GOT BORED AND STOPPED.


COMPLAINT 2:
"What else can I say?

"You sir, are an arse!"

OUR REPLY:
Fuck off back to Bubble Bobble, grandad.

Well done on learning how to use the internet, though!


COMPLAINT 3:
"Funny page. I especially laughed when you admitted to finding the CG girls in Dead or Alive more attractive than the real thing"

OUR REPLY:
LTFY!!


COMPLAINT 4:
"There is nothing wrong with atari, nes and SNES games. First off, I don't consider it "retro" gaming...I play any game if it's fun (which is what matters), and how fun a game is does not parallel how it looks. Polygonal graphics irritate me. I find them ugly, weird looking and too easily outdated. Sprites on the snes, sega and GBA are easy on the eyes and hold up just fine. The greatly enlarged screenshot you put up (sorry, I don't immediately recognize the game) is absolutely gorgeous, and you can see that
a great deal of work went into drawing the sprites pixel by pixel. It's like the argument of 2-d tv animation vs. computer animation...CGR is no replacement for cels...it is completely different and neither one outdates or outperforms the other.

"As for gameplay, many so-called "old" games actually required reflexes. It wasn't enough to simply know HOW to win or where to go, you actually had to be fast and know what you were doing. In most recent games, all you need is a walkthrough and you're as good as done. There is very little challenge...my 5 year old nephew beats rpg's and 3d platformers easily but finds himself stumped by some of the most basic NES games. Maybe he's just retarded, but I don't think so. I can beat most PS2 and GC games in one sitting with half my fingers amputated.

"As soon as games went to 3-d, the developer's began focusing more on graphics than on content, and they have gone steadily downhill. Games don't even have as wide a variety of enemies as they used to...most survival horrors and shooters have maybe four or five kinds of monsters, tops.I, for one, DO NOT GIVE A FUCK what a game actually looks like. Graphics and sound are meaningless to me. If people can still be entertained by baseball, which hasn't changed since pretty much ever, I don't see what makes "classic" games boring and outdated.

"Also, no offense, but that article was written very poorly. If that was the comedic intent, that wasn't really puilled off too well either. It wasn't a funny kind of bad, just a dull, brain-hurting bad.

"P.S: wait, wait wait...FFVII is "retro" now? When the hell did it come out? FFVII still feels brand new to me. I liked it somewhat, but FFVI is the only really good FF that there is. They reached a peak there...beautiful graphics (esspecially the enemies) interesting characters and a good plot with a very large world and tons of stuff to do. Every final fantasy game since has been small and bland in comparison. I liked FF9's "dark crystal" kinda look, but FF8 was pretentious, melodramatic, stereotyped swill. And I'm sick of people's obsession with sephiroth. He was a cliche'd, one-dimensional bargain bin cookie-cutter villain and completely, totally uninteresting."

OUR REPLY:
COCK.


COMPLAINT 5:
"Dear Sir,

"Due to a bizzare series of circumstnces I recently found myself reading your page ukresistance.co.uk.
I thought it was rubbish.

"Yours,

"M. A. Sharples"

WE DIDN'T REPLY


SOMEONE WHO LIKED IT:
I have the rare ability to see into the future........

The following sentences are taken from EDGE February 2009 edition (cover price €38):

**************

"EDGE has championed & single-handedly created the UK retro gaming scene"

"EDGE is proud to have been the first games magazine to realise the importance or retro gaming"

"Back in the early noughties, we at EDGE took it upon ourselves to remind our readers that they were wrong about retro gaming - a decision we felt obliged to make"

"EDGE flatly denies rumours of price-fixing in the retro console market. The allegation, that we bought 50,000 used MB Vectrex units and tried to sell them on eBay after writing another 6 page article on how great they were, is false."

"EDGE supports free market economics, but not when it comes to our cover price."

"Readers will have noticed that the EDGE forum is still offline - technical difficulties encountered in early 2002 are still being ironed-out."

**************

The latest edition of EDGE used the word "verisimilitude" twice. Wankers.

**************

The newly appointed EDGE information minister, Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, has declared war on the UKResistance.co.uk. Al-Sahaf said remarked that "The infidel bastards at UK Resistance will have their throats cut and their genitals removed. EDGE will dine on their entrails and celebrate victory over our enemy".

Cheers,
Alex


SOMEONE ELSE WHO LIKED IT:
"Hi,

"just this little words from france to say your site is still one my favorite, I didn't visited it cause of dns "problems during some months (it's not accessible anymore by www.ukresistance.net)

"Anyways, thanks for the fresh air you bring on the videogame market and
keep up the good updates (!)

"PS: where can I buy one of those retro burners, I'm really interested in it =(

OUR REPLY:
Vielen Dank!.

THE RESPONSE
"vielen dank is german, I'm french, but thanks anyway =)

"that would been "merci beaucoup" (for your future french fans)"

OUR REPLY:
Yes, I know. It was meant as a joke.


COMPLAINT 6:
"How can you be so blinkered and STUPID as to say "all old games are rubbish"??? That's like saying all old films are rubbish. Oh, which you also said. How old are you? 15? Life doesn't start and end with the PlayStation 2 you know."

OUR REPLY:
We is 14 and 13, wiv Chris who is 12 and a quarter who we don't let do the html.


COMPLAINT 7:
"You've just shown how stupid you are. If you think anything released before fucking Tomb Raider is shit then you know less about games than my mum. Old games have more playabilty than new ones that rely entirely on looking good to sell to fuckwits like you. Stop being stupid and try PLAYING some old games before you slag them off.

OUR REPLY:
We have played old games. Tomb Raider 2 is wicked, and proves that not all old games are shit.

THE RESPONSE
WHAT?! I mean stuff like R-Type and Rainbow Islands!!, not GayStation shit from five years ago. If you think Tomb Raider 2 is a good game then you might as well just kill your stupid selves now.

WE GOT BORED AND STOPPED.


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