Letters Shed
Letters answered by Susie Justice -- THE LETTERS COP!

Dear Letters Shed,
Ugh. Your site always stands out at the Portal of Evil, namely because 1) you have a bright, pretty logo which clashes nicely with the black and maroon background, and 2) you're not that funny, which clashes with all the other, funny, quality, non-Brit sites.

So, I read the longwinded joke.

Please tell me you didn't spend more than two minutes thinking that one out. Just... please.

Words of Wisdom:
Like we have anything better to do?


Dear Letters Shed,
I got it. It wasn't very funny (but then again, what on your site is?) but I got it.

Words of Wisdom:
It wasn't really meant to be funny per se, it was more of a clever piece of observational humour. You know, like what Russ Abbot used to do.

Dear Letters Shed,
Re Jon's ECTS report:

They were press packs in DC software boxes, not demo discs. Sega give demos away to the public every month on the front of Official DC mag.

All the best

Pete Devery
Associate Director
Bell Pottinger Public Relations
20 - 22 Stukeley St
London WC2B 5LR

Words of Wisdom:
Stop browsing for porn and start brainstorming a few advert ideas.


Dear Letters Shed,
Is this supposed to be funny? The Mushroom is slightly funnier than this, and their gaming news is slightly more up to date. Trying to out Old Man OldManMurray?

Guys, you need to work on some small things. Like being funny.

Words of Wisdom:
One thing that we will not tolerate is people saying that The Mushroom is funny. It is SHITE. Almost as shite as Penny Arcade.

Dear Letters Shed,
You site is pure class! Do u want to affiliate? check us out www.emulationzoo.com


We could never be associated with a site that uses the letter 'u' to substitute for the word 'you'.

Please, respect the Queen's tongue.

That goes double for all you 'Hack3rzzz' out there.

Dear Letters Shed,
Come on lads. Where's the updates?

Anyone would think you had social lives or jobs or something. I think your site is one of the best and funniest I've visited and shows the yanks how us brits make a web page.

If you want any help let me know. I'll try and squeeze it nicely inbetween my day job, my website, and my fantasising over Famke Jansen.

Well Done Boys
if you want to do some promo let me know!

Words of Wisdom:
Yes, we really need a jizz mopper for Jon's room.

Dear Letters Shed,
In light of all you Dreamcast Humor I have to say this. The Dreamcast is awesome over here in the USA and by all accounts, it will be better than the PS2.

Maybe it sucks over in Europe, because Europe sucks and SOJ doesn't concider it an important market.

P.S. Please. Don't get in any more wars so we will have to bail you out AGAIN!

Words of Wisdom:
You've been watching too many Hollywood war films.
The second world war was actually won by a man called Brian, he did it all on his own.

Dear Letters Shed,
The letters page is very interesting, however it lacks one crucial element.... oh yeah. A POINT.

Words of Wisdom:
That's because people keep sending in such shite letters, dickwad.

Dear Letters Shed,
"Don't those campaigners for disabled access ramps everywhere realise that this would leave Earth open to takeover by the Daleks?"

Words of Wisdom:
Yeah! People in wheelchairs suck!!
And they usually smell of talcum powder and wee!!

Dear Letters Shed,
how is it that we're suppose to join the UK:Resistance?

Words of Wisdom:
Have you ever sacrificed a virgin before?

Dear Letters Shed,
you guys fucking rock.

just read the ps2 pre-order form..an absolute riot. the poor kids will never know what hit them come october, will they?


Brandon Justice Editor-in-Chief,
IGNDC Snowball.com
250 Executive Park Blvd., Suite 4000
San Francisco, CA 94134
telephone: 415.508.2037 fax: 415.508.2001
e-mail: bjustice@ign.com

Words of Wisdom:
Whoa! Like, totally radical, man! An email from the B-Man Justice!!! That Rockzzz!

(We didn't reply to this on purpose)

Dear Letters Shed,
I have been made aware of your website because of its entry in the Sunday Papers. I am the Managing Director of UK Entertainment Guides Ltd and I have a website the address is www.uk-entertainment.com and a membership of people which vary from companies using our incentive scheme for corporate entertaining and travel, to individuals in their social lives.

The members receive a book with all the listings and a gold card which they use at the different establishments. I am just having a wapsite built so that the website can be seen on the new generation mobile phones. I would like to enter you into all of this with links to your own site if you can offer my members an introductory discount incentive. I look forward to your reply


Christopher Denton
Managing Director

Words of Wisdom:
A discount on what? You haven't visited have you?

Dear Letters Shed,
gary, due to the new short page being up, ended up clicking on articles page, and reading the oldest one. any idea if the club saturn cd is still available?

Words of Wisdom:
Yes! I saw it on sale in Harrow Virgin Megastore last week.
Any other sightings of this tragically underrated* CD please let us know.

*Everyone else thinks it's rubbish.

Dear Letters Shed,
Anyways besides me spouting out shit, like "your site's great", "I love you all man" and "please be my friends", I'd first like to say, errr, give my site a link you damn pornaholics (can't quite figure how that's supposed to be an insult though?).

It's at www.digiape.co.uk and it's called (wait for it...) DigiApe (or DigiApe Dreamcast UK if you want to give it a name with a meaning). I was also wondering if you wanted to use my Chaos or DigiStrip sections in UK:R? They're updated weekly, well, the DigiStrip one's done fortnightly, or whenever there's something crap to say.

You can use them or link to them on UK:R if you have the urge, and put a link to DigiApe somewhere on them. Anyways, umm, what should I say know? Oh yeah, I would like to buy UK:R for a packet of werthers original please, I think one million pounds is abit excessive, if I had that I wouldn't bother working, writing websites, and all that crap.

Shining Force 3 rocks by the way! Don't know why I'm saying it, but it does, as i'm replaying it now... so I'm saying it... I've said it already, so don't keep giving me those weird looks :)

Oh, can I use that brain shrink pic on DigiApe ? Well, I'm gonna anyway, but asking's nice, so I'll ask, like I just did. PISS 2 is crap, why do people praise it so much? Wankers! Anyway, keep up your usual great mixture of piss taking and soft core porn, and some games stuff too, but maybe you should focus on the porn abit more. That girl in the school girl outfit against games! I'd have her :)

Britney bbaaabeeeee (stop drooling)....


Adam Philbin [Editor]
www.digiape.co.uk | www.segaretro.co.uk
Contains 110% Recommended Daily Allowance of Dreamcast Goodness!

Words of Wisdom:
We ignored that. Then got this:

Hi there,

Nice subject... anyways... oh, I'm the bloke behind a Dreamcast website called DigiApe (you may have heard of it, some twat started ranting about it in the UK:R forum, then all shit happened)...

Anyways, it's at www.digiape.co.uk, and I was wondering if you could just check it out, and maybe if you'd be interested in affiliating UK:Resistance with DigiApe DC - you know the thing, mutual links and back patting...

Anyways, could you get back to me soon, thanks!

PS - I think Tina from Dead of Alive 2 just managed to steal the show for DOA2...

Adam Philbin
ICQ# 77946375

Words of Wisdom:
What is it with people called Adam? We've been hurt by Adams before, and frankly we're not prepared to take a chance on another.

Dear Letters Shed,
Just a note to say that your doing a great job, keep it up!

your site is brilliant. I run The PowerVR Mailing List, and just thought you might like to know that we have a link to you on the site http://www.PowerVR.cjb.net (Dreamcast's graphics engine is a PowerVR if you didn't know).

No real point to this mail, I'm just bored and I thought I'd e-mail you with the brilliant news that we link you at the site :)

Bye, John.

Words of Wisdom:
Thanks. At least a few of our readers don't stumble across the site while looking for porn.



I used to read you all the time in the days of the Saturn, but I thought you closed or something .... untill Digitiser mentioned you again!

Thats all. Cheers.

Words of Wisdom:
Ooh, Digitiser. This is what Digitiser looks like for all of you living outside the UK:

Dear Letters Shed,
hi, you probobally don't know me but whatever..

I wanted to know if it was at all possible for you to place a link to my site in your links section. I'm about to launch my site in a few days so I don't want you to make a decision right away. tell me what you think.

thanks for your time.


Words of Wisdom:

Web site contains graphic photograph of ginger web master.

Dear UK Resistance

I've heard a lot about the problems about pre-ordering that the PS2 is having, and I wanted to get your opinions on why this is. Is it poor management, or did Sony just overestimate their ability to supply the demand for the system?

Thanks for reading
RJ Streety

Words of Wisdom:
It's not poor management, it's PISS-POOR management, combined with a healthy dose of disrespect and greed. Anyone stupid enough to pay £300 for a PS2 deserves to be... laughed at.

Especially next March when they hack the price down to £150 when they realise no one's buying the ugly thing.


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