Thing is, right, you don't do an update for ages so people get annoyed, expectations rise, then when you finally DO get around to doing an update it can only be a disappointment because it's been built up so much and everyone's been waiting so long. Our excuse; you can't use a PC in the winter -- your mouse hand gets too cold. We're not risking losing the use of our mouse hand, what with it doubling up as the crucial wanking hand. It's all very well people saying you can use your left hand instead, but we're not into all that kinky stuff. Anyway...

Campaign on behalf of people who keep themselves to themselves
Look, we're not all murderers. Jesus, stay at home for two days in a row nowadays and the neighbours think you've got a couple of bruised eight-year-old girls cuffed to the radiator and another one saved in the cupboard under the sink for a rainy day.

We say ENOUGH! Please sign our campaign on behalf of people who keep themselves to themselves, which could help turn the tide of hateful opression against those who speak rarely. It could put an end to headlines like this:

Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball -- REVIEW
It's not about the volleyball. Like life itself, XBV is about making girls like you, accumulating money and buying nice stuff you don't need to impress people you don't like. It's shallow, it's pointless, but it's brilliant and and a one-off so you'd better make sure you enjoy it.

Team Ninja has made us realise that life is to be lived to its fullest every day. Be glad you can find this out by playing a video game, instead of nearly dying in a car accident like how most people learn to value their life. Some of the flowers cost thousands of dollars, they only last a day, but they make your girl look prettier so what the hell. You can't take it with you when your save position corrupts.

Other things we've discovered: Giving gifts really is more enjoyable than receiving. Shopping for shoes is actually fun. You can never have too many clothes. Being liked is more important than being rich. All this we have learnt from Xtreme Beach Volleyball. We are better people now.

This image is our gift to you. We took it ourselves. It took hours to get, yet only seemed like minutes.

Replays are from the classic Wimbledon upskirt angle. Which makes us think...
anyone for Dead or Alive Tennis next year?

THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!

Tits (left) and arse (right) -- the perfect screenshot.

Tina uses NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building as a dressing room.

WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE CALLED DAVE PERRY?

Sega Saturn box descriptions -- a complaint
Yes, it's taken a while to notice, and there's no point in asking for the man responsible to be sacked as he no doubt already was some years ago. But... whoever was in charge of writing PAL Saturn box descriptions was shit. Someone out there must know who it was -- please, name him so we can beat him to death for assisting the Saturn's demise in some miniscule way.

There were also many other instances of posessive apostrophe errors. We were shaking too
much with anger to photograph the boxes properly.

Shit things about the internet: #8: Admins
Who, who on Earth, who in the name of all that is good would want to be a forum admin? We'll tell you who -- assholes. "Look at me! See how I appear slightly more important and influential thanks to having some slightly different words there by my Street Fighter Alpha 3 avatar", they think, sadly never realising that censoring the thoughts of others is a crime as bad as Mexican child-stapling. And if you don't agree with that you're BANNED.

FORTHCOMING UPDATES OF CLASSIC GAMES THAT YOU JUST KNOW ARE GOING TO BE SHIT AND THEY SHOULDN'T BOTHER WITH AT ALL:
#2, #3 and #4: Dragon's Lair 3D, Frogger Beyond and Pitfall Harry.

DEVELOPERS: Write them off as a tax loss now and re-train for a new career. It's all over.
Tube drivers earn about £32,000 a year, you know.

PS3 -- Good at chess!
Forget the Emotion Engine! According to The Sun newspaper, PlayStation3 is being positioned as even more powerful than boring chess computer Deep Blue.

Apparently Gamecube 2's gonna be shit hot at Cluedo.

Chess -- Exclusive Review

Players: 2
Type: Strategy
Out: Now

We've been playing the original Draughts in the office ever since it came out. Can the sequel Draughts 2: Chess add more to the timeless two-player gameplay?

Review by IGN Chess Editor Ian Woodthorpe

You really need to read the manual for this one! Chess is the game everyone knows how to play but nobody can remember being taught it. If someone tried to teach you the rules now, as a grown-up, you'd tell them to fuck right off -- it's nails!

OOH, YOU BIG QUEEN
Each player starts with eight bits. Some bits can only move forwards, some only go diagonally, some move sort of two squares forwards and one to the left -- it's a nightmare!

Utilising "turn based" gameplay, two players set about "capturing" each others' king on the 8x8 grid. Our board was wood, but we hear a plastic version (with extra pieces including a Nun and a Blacksmith!) is also in development.

The key to Draughts 2: Chess is thinking ahead. You capture the opposing king by manoeuvring your pieces into such a position that he's stuffed, removing -- or 'taking' -- any enemy pieces whose square you land upon.

Chess contains many innovations over Draughts. Whereas Draughts only featured one at a time square movements, many Chess pieces can move the entire length of the board in ONE GO! This makes the game much more challenging, as unwary players can quickly be caught out by a swiftly moving bishop flying in from the opposite corner.

But the changes to the classic Draughts gameplay are Chess' biggest problem. Whereas a youngster could learn Draughts in a matter of minutes, many adults will struggle to learn Chess thanks to its over complex rules.

Also, there's no background story. Why are these two kingdoms fighting? Why can the Rook only move in lines? It would increase the atmosphere no end if the game came with an intro movie detailing the backstory to the battle!

Overall, Draughts 2: Chess is ideal for the hardcore board gamer looking for a long-lasting challenge, but casual gamers may prefer to stick with the more accessible Draughts.

UPPERS:

• Board may also be used for Draughts
• Nice wooden smell
• Great depth of strategy
• Fantastic two-player challenge

  DOWNERS:

• No one-player mode
• Pieces represent choking hazard to the young
• Steep learning curve for beginners
• Lacks the fun of Draughts

  OVERALL: 6/10
  After the huge success of the original Draughts, it seems they developers have attempted too much with Draughts 2: Chess. Granted there's a lot more strategy and longevity in the game than there ever was in Draughts, but the over-complex rules are bound to put off many gamers. Chess is a big challenge, but too difficult to really catch on.

After 20 minutes of play things have progressed.

PICTURES WE JUST FOUND ON THE INTERNET, CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO DO WITH, BUT REALLY WANT TO PUT UP ANYWAY:
A woman doing sex stuff in front of a Virtua Cop 2 arcade machine.

Found from searching for "Virtua Cop 2" and definitely not from
searching for "naked blonde sluts in school uniforms"
(Entire shoot available on request)

Fun with the Fujitsu-Siemens promotional photo archive!
Fujitsu-Siemens employees! Don't look upon this as a flagrant abuse of your promotional materials which links your company with child molestors, look upon it as free publicity for the Fujitsu-Siemens brand.

SUBmissions/DOMain
You lazy bastards. Here we are doing all the work, while you just sit there and...

...

Sorry, got mixed up there. *You're* the ones that do all the work, while *we* just sit here doing nothing. These are your submissions. Thank you very much.

MY FLAT HAS ADEQUATE WHEELCHAIR ACCESS
Sorry if this brings back painful memories of all your coming-of-age dramas in those late night Phantasy Star Online chat sessions, but hey, we were sent it. We're not going to go turning down perfectly good sicko internet paedo gags. From the myseterious "Falken".

ACTUALLY WRITING SOMETHING DOWN:
"See if you like these Edge inspired reviews" said Max of his text-based submission. UKR feels the submission captures the intended graphical and textual ambience of the monthly truth/bullshit juxstaposition that is Edge. Also like Edge we read this with a puzzled, occasionally sneering expression and pointed out miniscule errors to anyone within earshot.

Keown’s Affluent Athlete (Crushed Diaphragm)
Oh dear something’s gone terribly wrong here. The size dinich harmony fluff user is way to small to display the thousands of gay sprites that foam up the screen for much of the intro. Also the flange rendering on Keown’s torso is appallingly over cached, drawing to many dots over the medial damp cross tribulator. How they expect to sell this sort of dross with Stams Missing Veins out next month one can only grasp at. Even if I liked this game (which I fucking don’t) I’d only give it 2 out of 10. Unconfirmed/10

Neville’s War Horse (Splitz & Joyd)
What a game, the first from newly formed company, Splitz & Joyd. The central character simply dazzles in his stupidity and illness, leaving you at some points literally gasping for more. It features some great flip screen maug layering and some fantastic multi rotational cameo buzz filtering. Overall the game ranks right up there with other greats such as Southgate’s Whippet Bemuser and Collymore’s Buggered Father, although there isn’t such an abundance of binaural muffering in this offering as in those titles, which may well be explained by the fact that it only uses 12% of half its Pentium Loaf Pretender. Having played the game utterly I feel compelled to give it top marks but I won’t. 4/10

Wenger’s Dilemma (Fume Systems)
Set 2000 years ago you play Art Wenger, distant ancestor of the Arsenal manager, in his quest to befriend Christ and then shoot him upwards. What basically emerges is a small, crunchy shooter with RPG side parts. The title screen is made of clay but things never really get going after that. Fast as the camp vibe is, many of the enemy polygons are bisexual and only really look any good when being shadowed in light. Fume say they pre-ordained around a thousand of the backgrounds to be blitz hampered but the resulting effect is little more than racist. Still, the ending stands out with wedge after wedge of video shafting and some of the sound stitch ups are reassuringly protestant. Not good but not great either. 10/10

Zola’s Guilty Shard (Thrucksoft)
The only Japanese offering this month is a splendid, sprawling RPG that draws heavily on the early works of Nigel Hawthorne. The story begins in Tokyo, 3 days before the Americans collapse all the hospitals and its here that you take control of Akui Suki, a parentless schoolgirl who is prone to chronic vaginal seizures. There are over 12 million hours of gameplay somewhere and Thrucksoft claim that there are 3 levels hidden on the outside of the box. Hemisphere mixing is mesmerising throughout and you are sometimes left wondering how they glued the front bits to the pixelater. Special mention must go to the 3D engine, which was built around a 208 physics bender and looks absolutely amazing in some of the later, edible stages of the game. However, my one criticism with the game is the music. There are some genuinely rubella-stirring pieces but on the whole it’s a rather drab affair and I found it put me off sex for a week. Still Thrucksoft have put together a top package at last, which is no mean feat as at least 20 of there staff were tragically killed 2 months ago when a workstation went meltdown due to a bad sprite build up in-between frame rates. Brilliant stuff on the whole and worthy of a place in any pricks collection. 9-10/10

SOMEONE SPENT TIME ON THIS SO LIKE IT
A golf reference for all you ageing retro gamers out there. Took us about a month to get and even then it was only a slight smile of recognition, not one of mirth. We've lost the name of who did it. We renamed the file "fuphung" at the time but that doesn't sound much like a name.

NICE SPUNK DETAILING
Two jokes along the identical theme. The first from Carl Westwood, the second from Harry Denholm. Note to Harry; It doesn't need an explanatory caption. It's a man drawing a cock on the screen. It speaks for itself!

THANKS FOR PUTTING IN THE EFFORT
Here, Harry Denholm gets an entire paragraph devoted to the two below images.

WELL DONE FOR TRYING
Minus points for getting the game name wrong, but 1000000 ULTIMATE PERV BONUS for using a Holly McGuire picture. She normally looks less pasty faced. From John Stephens (and Chris).

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Feel the lifeforce of our bandwidth draining away thanks to this massive -- but classic -- photograph. It had to be put up. The car is thinking. Wow, deep.

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR AND IT'S NOT FUNNY ANY MORE, BUT YOU'VE GONE SO FAR THAT YOU CAN'T STOP WITHOUT IT LOOKING LIKE AN EMBARRASSING CLIMBDOWN
This was sent in by Bruce. We imagine Bruce is dead now. Stuff like this can only be a cry for help. If only we'd updated the site sooner maybe he would still be alive today.

COME ON THEN!
Submit to us and we'll upload it. We haven't given up doing it. Honest.

How to sell video games to girls. #1:

Your task for the next two weeks...
Pre-order Game Boy Advance games from www.dvdboxoffice.com for about £15, then re-sell them on a web site of your own creation (or Ebay) for £34.99. Then add all the £20 profits together over a period of several years and buy a house or a car.