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DAY 1,945 in the UKR household. Jon has once again visited the diary room to request he be humanely destroyed, while Gary awoke at 6:30am to continue throwing cutlery over the walls of the house in the hope of harming an unknown outsider. Still unaware of the death of the Sega Saturn in the outside world, the remaining housemates spend the day creating a list of features they imagine were probably implemented in NiGHTS 3.

The ultimate test of Sega fan perseverance returns. It's UK Resistance. It's bigger and it's backer!

Resident Evil movie review
Seen it, liked it. One of the lead characters looks a little too much like Tim Henman for comfort, but he's balanced out by a woman who looks exactly like Milla Jovovich. You see her tits at the start and what appears to be her well-clipped pubes at the end. The 'jumpy bits' are exactly what you'd expect and where you're expecting them, but at least it doesn't have any character development scenes to drag the it out an extra 45 minutes. It's violent too, even going so far as to justify it's 15 rating by using 'fuck' a lot.

It's short, has one of the best uses of the amnesia plot device we've seen recently, and it even contains a nice anti-corporation subtext for all of you reading this on a Linux machine with a build of Mozilla you compiled yourself*. If we were reviewing this we'd give it about eight out of ten. 8/10.

*Sadly you will be in some small way helping to perpetuate the success and popularity one of Psone's major gaming franchises if you see this film, so perhaps you'd better not. Just stay at home and think about Dreamcast.


Dronez: Not coming to Dreamcast any more
"In little over a year's time you'll be playing the Dreamcast version of Drones" said Sega Saturn Magazine, back in 1998. It's now coming to Xbox some FOUR YEARS later. Oh, how history mocks us. This story is possibly only of interest to you if you worked on Sega Saturn Magazine and remember the phone call that came in from the developer, who offered himself for interview at the time. Here is how Drones (note use of letter 's') looked in 1998:

And below, how DroneZ looks in 2002...

Strange how our expectations of what makes a shit game don't change over the years.

Oooh! Isn't the Xbox Big!
This why we had to come back. The standard of "Topical Games Humour" has fallen to this -- the easy joke even YOUR DAD could create with a 30-day trial version of Paint Shop Pro. Take something big -- we've used the UNIVERSE here -- then juxstapose it against a photo of an Xbox to create a joke. Look! Xbox is bigger than the Universe within which it is contained! We're comedy geniuses! Worship us! Love us! Flirt with us via ICQ!

See how use of the phrase "actual size" enhances comedic impact!

CHART ANALYSIS!
Final IRREFUTABLE PROOF! Sonic is best. Not only is he out-selling Mario, but he's doing it on his own doorstep too. Sega's multi-format future is assured. You don't need to buy PS2s after all.

Next week: A picture we've drawn ourselves showing
Sonic shooting Mario with a big gun.

Employee of the Week
Because Employee of the Fortnight (or Employee of every-other week) just doesn't sound right, and also because the internet without photographs of girls is about as useful as daytime TV without Countdown. Access it here, just like before.

Other things that aren't funny any more. #1 Wheelchairs
We're getting old. Sometimes parts of our bodies start hurting for no apparent reason. Like our back, or our right knee, for example. That man walking really slowly up the steps isn't a joke to be laughed at, he's a portent of what's to come. Sorry for laughing, here, allow us to help you across the road, old man. Whereas we used to laugh at wheelchairs as only the youthful can, now we feel pity, sympathy, caring and anger with a God who lets this happen. Especially if it's one of those shit old National Health ones.


UNSPEAKABLY SHIT PHOTOSHOP JOKE OF THE WEEK FOR YOU TO EMAIL ROUND ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS LIKE YOU'RE SOME BIG FUCKING COMEDY GENIUS WHO ALWAYS FINDS EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET FIRST:



#1: Bollywood Hulk Hogan

Frozen in time!
When Sega sites give up. Numer One: The Underground Dural Network, frozen in time, Friday April 3, 1998.

Sample quote: "Despite Sega of America's claim that the Saturn will not die in the US, the president of Sega of Japan, Shoichiro Irimajiri, had the following to say. 'We believed that although we were losing money selling hardware, we could recover by selling new software. It worked in Japan, but it won't in the US. We have also failed to manage inventory adjustment. And in the US, we could not get good support from the US software makers. We had a hard time in the US, but we will learn from our mistakes'"

As-yet unproven claims by Michael Moore

SUBmissions/DOMain
Send us things and we'll put them up. Even if they're rubbish, in fact especially if they're rubbish, as they will simply serve to make us look better in comparison. Anything goes, we will not edit, remove, pass judgment or alter anything.

Shit things about the internet. #1: Avatars
In what way does a small cartoon character sum up your personality? If it says anything at all, it says "I am a fully-grown man who still knows all about Dragon Ball Z and am therefore not even worth considering as a sexual partner".

By reading this you are statistically very likely to be a man who likes computer games, which is the second least attractive demographic to be in just behind men who like nailing children to car bumpers and driving up and down cobbled streets - so don't make it worse on yourself.

If we had to make an avatar it would be a black and white photograph of a crime scene, with a small girl in a dress crying on the steps outside the run-down apartment. Some blood is visible on her dress, challenging the viewer to form their own opinion of what may have occurred. Perhaps you're the criminal for gaining voyeuristic pleasure from gazing at her distress? Sadly it's difficult to represent this within the constraints of a 45x45 pixel format.

Here are some realistic avatars for you lot to use:


Game Talk!
This week's Hot Topic discussed by some men in a pub! You know, it's a lifestyle feature!
Week One: Halo on Xbox.

Neil: I like Halo.
Paul: Yeah, it's OK.
Chris: I haven't played it yet.

UK Resistance -- The LIFESTYLE web site!

Things that REALLY EXIST even though they look like we've just made them up out of desperation to find something funny about games:
#1: The Westlife PSone video game.


Fun with the Fujitsu-Siemens promotional photo archive!
Why they give the general public access to these images is beyond us. They're just asking for trouble.


Richard Jacques update
Rich is still describing himself as being "young" despite being born in 1973.
http://www.richardjacques.co.uk/biog.html

Your task for the next two weeks...
Have a wank at work.

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UK Resistance. Now occuring once every fortnight or so.