Sorry, everyone, this week would appear to have become Alternate-Colour Sonic Clones Off The Internet Week.

“Green Sonic is a commercial whore. Here he is acting as the corporate mascot for a truck manufacturer in Southern China. The sell out that he is” – Chris.

“Gee Sonic, you really oughta cut down on those chilli dogs!”

“Whilst idly fiddling around the internet earlier I found this. Apparently they also do “Papryka konserwowa”. Not sure if “konserwowa” is part of the name or a description (it looks like a description but I don’t speak made-up languages). I also noticed that Galileo has stolen the Adidas logo. And its name. I’m still trying to think up a joke for the jar of pickles so you’re definitely not getting one for the Papryka” – Oli.

Man found this somewhere else on the internet. Possibly in the UKR archives, as we’ve finally given up trying to keep track of what’s out there. Brain’s finally run out of space for remembering what colour of Sonic clone was used to advertise what brand of sportswear in what country in 1997.

And why Sonic? What needs to be fast about a gherkin? Are they suggesting the [THING GHERKINS ARE MADE OUT OF, POSSIBLY CUCUMBERS] were picked really fast and pickled really fast and shipped really fast to ensure the ultimate in freshness?

“Hello. I thought you might be interested in this picture I found on the internet. It’s not THAT interesting but I thought you might want to use it if you have a ’slow news day’ (there seems to be a lot of them) after the PS3 debacle ends. It would seem that Sonic (or his evil evil twin, judging by the extra head-spikes) is now selling pickles for Ogorki. I’m not sure why he would do that. Perhaps as a publicity stunt. Or perhaps this is, in fact, Episode 2 of the upcoming Sonic 4. I tried to think of an amusing Sonic/pickle pun but I just ate (not gherkins) so I’m tired” – Oli.

A man called “Shark” sent in the two images you see crudely mashed-together below, claiming SEGA All-Stars Racing is guilty of copying and pasting the likeness of Italian singer Little Tony to represent Shenmue star Ryo.

Basically, we haven’t got any other material to use today and can’t face opening the Hotmail Account of Doom.

Here’s a bigger one of Little Tony, for your files.

This just in from our NIGHTMARE ALTERNATE REALITY correspondent. The man selling it claims it’s a “Collectable promo version” which hints at this being a legitimate licensed SEGA/Sony Music production.

There are still five days left on the auction at time of typing, if you want to risk finding out.

“I’m not sure you’re receiving my emails. Either that or you’re ignoring them? Nevertheless, here’s another find for you to upload on a slow day” – Phorenzik.

That’s the tracklisting. Click on it to remind yourself how bad music was in 1993.

This stupidly-haired IDIOT is “doing” the “main theme” of Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing, according to an image on Amazon and what he says on his blog. Bentley may have more hair than Richard Jacques, but we’d run out of things to talk to him about before we’d even finished the first pint.

With Richard, we’d be able to think about things to talk about until 3.45am!

You can buy it through Amazon if you’ve just been won over by his choppy fringe and computer-enhanced eyes. There’s also a competition going on over on his site, where you can win the chance to be “in” the video for it. It’ll be OK, no one will ever see it.

What could possibly go wrong with a game called “2 Finger Heroes”?

More from the maker on GAF.

Mainstream catalogue retailer Marshall Ward is knocking out this painful piece of mid-1990s-style costumery, for the benefit of grown men with emotional issues for whom Sonic is an escape pod back through time to when it was mum that had to worry about paying the mortgage. This was found by popular late-2000s casual UKR labourer “Phorenzik”. We’re not suggesting he’s that target buyer.

The padded hands are admittedly a masterstroke that give it an extra edge of realism, but nothing else works on any level – not even on the unseen ultraviolet and infrared levels.

It is unsurprisingly (a) still in stock, and (b) made out of polyester.

It has to be made out of polyester, because cotton is too thick and heavy for the speeds Sonic runs at!!!

Marshal Ward thinks buyers may also like Snow White and Robocop, and to be fair, we’ve just briefly had a go at imagining having sex with Snow White while dressed as Robocop and it actually works as a scenario*.

See? There’s easy penis access there between the leg plates, so you wouldn’t have to worry about going flaccid while Snow White’s trying to fight you off.

ROBOCOP/SNOW WHITE POSSIBLE SEX SCENARIO:
You went to a fancy dress party as Robocop, then you and Snow White started chatting and laughing at the retard who came as Sonic and has been sitting there on his own for the last two hours not saying anything to anyone. Then you managed to get her to lose count of how much she had to drink and carried her to the toilet when she thought she was going to be sick but then she WASN’T sick and brief sex happened.

Then she asked you what you name was afterwards, and you looked at her, then triumphantly said “MURPHY!”. But then, the next day, you realised you should’ve given her your real name or your mobile phone number, as there’s no way she’ll be able to contact you and her friends won’t remember there even being anyone called “Murphy” at the party. So you’ll die alone.

Well, there sort of are, in that Sonic likes collecting “coin-like” gold items, which is a bit like capitalism. Good luck spinning that sole fact out over 10,000 words, Luke. You’d seriously be better off ditching “uni” and going straight into being unemployed and having a blog about games.

He’s being very brave about using semi-colons;

We pity the poor tutor that will have to read through this, pretending it was a worthwhile way to spend three years. Thanks to reader “Paul” for sending this in.

“Please, mum, do not enter my bedroom and recreate an urban myth by putting a cup of tea down beside me while I am masturbating with my headphones on”.

Well done, SEGA. After the recent years spent in the wilderness producing Wii games for literally about 50 people, it would appear you’re finally ON TRACK again with your target demographic. Start selling these for a pound at a market and you might be able to return to that GLORY FINANCIAL QUARTER you once enjoyed in the early 1990s.