Glossary of Terms

If there's one thing that really gets on our bollocks, it's the constant questioning we get from overseas readers asking what all these UK words and phrases mean. Do you know your bollocks from your arse? Do you know your fanny from your trousers? If not, read on:

Arse [pronounced are-s] This is commonly used to refer to the bottom area, and is applicable to either the male or female bottom area. Can also be used on its own to express frustration or annoyance - eg "Arse, my computer's broken" Not to be confused with "Ass" which is some kind of American horse

Bender [pronounced ben-der] Polite inference of homosexuality in a gentleman - eg "I think Clive may be a bit of a Bender" Confusingly, also refers to an elongated drinking session - eg "We're going on a bit of a Bender this weekend"

Bird [pronounced bird] Nearly extinct reference to a female - eg "Check out the Jugs on that Bird!" See also Roger, Knockers and Jugs

Bollocks [pronounced boll-ox] The male external genital organs, or more specifically, the testicles - eg "My bollocks are itching". Can also be used to signal disbelief - eg "Bollocks you did!" or annoyance - eg "Bollocks"

Bonk [pronounced bonk] Sadly defunct eighties tabloid reference to a Shag - eg "Minister Caught Bonking Busty Barmaid Shock!"

Chest Area [pronounced Chest airy-er] Ultra-polite and very English way of referring to a woman's Chest Area. See also Jugs and Knockers

Fanny [pronounced fan-e] WARNING! Do not attempt to use this word in conversation unless you are TOTALLY confident you FULLY understand the meaning and implications. In the UK the word refers SPECIFICALLY to the... er... female Front Bottom if you will, and as such MEN DO NOT HAVE A FANNY. Learn this lesson well, as telling an Englishman you intend to "Kick him in the fanny" could have severe consequences.

Front Bottom [pronounced front-bottom] A gentle and non-embarrassing term of reference used to describe a woman's... er... you know, front bottom. The bits women use to... well I think you get the idea

How's Your Father? [pronounced hows your far-ther] Either a polite enqiry re the general well-being of a male parent - eg "How's your father?" or, more commonly, a cheeky reference to the sexual act - eg "Fancy a bit of How's your father, Doreen?"

Johnny/ Rubber Johnny [pronounced jon-e/ rub-er jon-e] A rubber construction used to prevent any unnecessary nastyness or mess during the Shag process.

Jugs [pronounced jugs] Modern comedy reference to a woman's Chest Area

Knockers [pronounced nock-ers] Old-fashioned reference to a woman's Jugs

Phwoar [pronounced f-wor] Expression of appreciation, usually in a sexual manner - eg "Phwoar!"

Pint [pronounced pint] When we buy a beer, it usually comes in a pint glass, which conveniently contains one pint of beer. Not to be confused with a half pint glass, which is what girls drink from

Roger [pronounced rojer] Sadly defunt seventies way of refering to a Shag - eg "Oh I say, I wouldn't mind Rogering that new barmaid!" Also a popular male christian name

Shag [pronounced shag] A quality carpet, rare variety of seabird or, more commonly, an exceptable and polite reference to a sexual act - eg "Apparently, David has been Shagging Sarah for the last three months"

Spunk [pronounced spunk] An inevitable by-product of the Wanking process. Can be controlled by using a Rubber Johnny. WARNING! See also Fanny - can cause similar Anglo-American confusion - eg telling a man you believe he's "Full of Spunk" could have serious implications.

Trousers [pronounced trou-sirs] A long garmet that covers both of your legs, and strectches from the waist to just above the feet. Americans refer to them as "Pants" because they don't know any better

Pants [pronounced pants] Confusingly, these are what we wear underneath our trousers. Social convention dictates that we don't discuss these things in a public forum

Wank [pronounced wank] Very difficult to explain. You can "Have a wank" you can call somebody a "Complete wanker" and the worst thing in the world would be if your mum walked into your bedroom while you were "Wanking". I think you know what we mean...

Still confused? Have you come across a phrase or word that you still fail to understand? That's okay, we're used to explaining things twice to stupid Americans, so feel free to suggest other words you think we should include in our Glossary.