In January of 2008 Sony sold 269,000 PS3s in America. In January of 2009 it sold 203,000. That’s less. 203,000 is DEFINITELY less than 269,000. We are POSITIVE. Hang on, we’ll just check that. Where’s the link to the adding thing?

Yes. There you go. It’s less. PS3 sold 66,000 less/fewer units this January than last January. So, the ten year plan for PS3 was to have sales peak in year two, then have the business gradually run down to zero over the remaining eight?

Sounds like a good plan to us. Figures, as ever, from GAF.

Terms like “alarming collapse” and “battered” used by financially-minded grown-ups to describe Sony’s terrible current state. The gaming division has contributed to this with “lower-than-expected” sales.

SEGA is rumoured to be using its Football Manager profits to buy up remnants of gaming division at “fire sale” price.

Gaming division. Axe the gaming division. Please axe the gaming division. Fingers crossed for massive job losses, at least.

…compared to the Gamecube and another console you haven’t been able to buy new for two years.

Well done, Sony. Another gold in the paralympics.

Some statistical news people have decided it costs Sony $448 to make each PlayStation3, so if you’re thinking about getting one to laugh at or smash in a brutal revenge smashing, do so now while it still HURTS THE ENEMY BOTTOM LINE.

And hurts the enemy bottom itself.

So, they’ve decided to release HOME as a public Beta. That’s HOME, the amazing virtual world that had game journalists and PS3 fanboys proclaiming the greatness of Sony and how it would be the best thing EVER! Except, it’s not. Two years on, it turns out to be a half empty, badly thought out mess (queuing to play a game of Pool?!) and clearly nothing more than a cynical attempt to actually make some money out of the cash-haemorraghing disaster that has been PS3. And with nothing on the horizon, save GT5, surely the ‘nail in the coffin’. Even ThreeSpeech can’t be arsed to Big It Up like they did with Little Big Planet (already being sold for £19.99) Let’s have another little round-up of public opinion shall we;

• “Are there really people dumb enough to spend £3.99 on a virtual house?”
• “What they’ve released is just a huge anti-climax”
• “You cannot create anything in PlayStation Home. You can only buy it.”
• “Pointless, monotonous and poorly executed”
• “It’s like the success of the PS2 has gone to their head and they think people will buy anything”
• “It seems to be a really inconvenient way to launch games and videos while pretending to live in a nightmare vision of the future”
• “..and the load times for each area, oh dear, that was something I didn’t expect. ”
• “I really can’t fathom what they’ve been spending all that development time doing”

Enemy manufacturing base shrinking! Supply lines crippled! Successful European campaign impacting on Asian stronghold! Unconditional surrender and signing over of all copyrights pertaining to “PlayStation3″ estimated to be less than 14 months away.

Sony is also axing 8000 jobs as well as closing 10% of its weapon factories. What a shame. What a big shame. What a BIG OLD FUCKING SHAMEY SHAME indeed. We don’t like to laugh about people losing their jobs, but it’s OK when it’s SONY PEOPLE as they’re not even real people at all. They don’t have feelings.

Our European cousins, for so long under the evil Sony cosh, have united as one and OUSTED THE TYRANNY OF EVIL from their glorious lands! No longer are they blindly paying the equivalent RRP of £299 for a shite console based around making films look marginally better than before if you sit near the screen.

Or, to put it sensibly so today’s news-aggregating-media outlets can understand after a two-second scan of the facts, Microsoft has just said Xbox 360 is outselling PS3 in France, Spain and Italy. Here’s a link to Eurogamer saying it, as you’re more likely to believe stuff on Eurogamer than on here, AREN’T YOU?

Expect future Sony press releases to concentrate on the performance of the “PlayStation Family” in Denmark during 2008, relative to the performance of the “PlayStation Family” in Denmark during the 1970s.

EVIL Sony boasted to the world about there being 14 million PlayStation Network users in the world in this deliberately-misleading update on its blog regarding PS3’s “success” last week.

You might quite reasonably expect that to mean there are 14 million PS3s being used online, but no. That figure also included PSP PSN accounts, as Sony later confessed to Gamespot.

We never thought we’d see the day Gamespot symbolises truth and justice.

We’re sure that 19th on the UK chart at the end of Week Two is exactly what Sony had in mind for LittleBigPlanet. It’s all falling into place.

No, apart. It’s all falling apart. Let’s try one of those hilarious zooming-in jokes…

STAGE 1: A bit closer.

STAGE 2: Closer still.

STAGE 3: VERY CLOSE and therefore hilarious.

Our brave friends across the Atlantic are continuing to STICK IT TO and RIGHT INTO Sony, with PS3 sales DOWN 18% during October. Despite the launch of some shit user-generating, administrator-deleting content game about being a teddy bear and having your hard work removed that was all the rage for about 36 hours. Here’s a list.

US HARDWARE SALES FOR OCTOBER, 2008

Wii: 803,000
DS: 491,000
360: 371,000
PSP: 193,000
PS3: 190,000
PS2: 136,000

ANALYSIS:
Selling fewer consoles when you’ve got your most important game of the year out AND it’s nearly Christmas is a 10/10 on the SEGA Saturn UK Launch Disaster Scale.

SOFTWARE SALES EQUALLY SHAMBOLIC

1. 790k – Fable 2 (360)
2. 487k – Wii Fit (Wii)
3. 375k – Fallout 3 (360)
4. 290k – Mario Kart (Wii)
5. 282k – Wii Play (Wii)
6. 270k – Saints Row 2 (360)
7. 231k – SOCOM (PS3)
8. 215k – LittleBigPlanet (PS3)
9. 202k – NBA 2K9 (360)
10. 193k – Dead Space (360)

The ‘We Died And This Is What Heaven Is Like’ theory gains strength.