“GIRL GAMER” MAGAZINE
Can someone pop a copy of this in the post, please?
Or just scan the best photographs.
THE PROS AND CONS OF AIMING A MAG AT GIRLS
PROS
- You can reuse all the tired ideas that have been in games magazines for decades.
- Reader interaction.
- Lower expectations.
- No one will suggest doing a track-by-track guide for Gran Turismo 5.
CONS
- Having to explain everything.
- Someone will still have to write a guide for Final Fantasy XIII over a weekend using only the Japanese code.
filed in INDUSTRY NEWS on Jul.09, 2009
July 9th, 2009 on 11:35 am
Putting a Cooking Mama coverline on there surely can’t be helping most mens’ image of ‘girl gamers’…
July 9th, 2009 on 11:40 am
What’s happened to that poor girls face? It looks like Melinda Messenger was caught in a house fire and try as they might, the surgeons just couldn’t quite put her back together properly.
July 9th, 2009 on 12:03 pm
Gaaaah! Kill it!
Kill it with fire!
Although, as brappbrap says, looks like someone already tried.
Maybe someone tried beating the fire out with a shovel afterwards. or with the ugly stick.
And then dug up Barbara Cartland and got her to do her makeup.
July 9th, 2009 on 12:10 pm
Official Nintendo Magazine is awful anyway.
Also Zorg I added you on Facefuck! Please pretend to be my friend!
July 9th, 2009 on 12:22 pm
Would
July 9th, 2009 on 12:22 pm
Wow. I’m so offended by this I can’t even pretend to make a sexist joke about it. Well done Nintendo, I am surprised.
Not that Official Nintendo Magazine has ever done anything but offend me…
July 9th, 2009 on 12:36 pm
I proprose that Nintendo enlist Germaine Greer to play a pink DS for their advertising of this. Of course, they’d have to release a game about the arguably sexually ambiguous exploits of Greek Gods for her to approve.
Here’s what her review might sound like:
“Like the timorous Perseus drinking from the gilded cup of the mystic bard Litanos, my character, a defamiliarized figuration of the enduring spirit of shy but ferocious Bacchus delicately charts a temporal discourse beyond the narrative constraints of her own fiction, perambulating a spectral realm in which I am the paragon, the reluctant Tetragrammaton of a fate ordained by microchips. As I phalocentrically press the buttons which comand the very behaviour of this stricken fugitive, one can’t help but invoke the timeless struggle of the shy and quivering vagina in a throbbing field of hairy cocks, like Hercules crippled by the venegful hand of a roaring paternal tempest. O, prithee, If I must be your Zeus, let thee please submit thy femininity to Orpheus and none other lest thee come under the priapic cosh of a world neglected by the cosmos.”
July 9th, 2009 on 12:38 pm
I can’t fucking take any more pictures of models laughing at electronics, I just can’t hack it, please, mercy Zorg I BEG FOR MERCY!
Give me at least a couple of days of spirals, or a game ‘review’ or something, and then I might have the strength for more marketing pics.
A blatant marketing pic on the front of a ‘magazine’; oh shame on you Nintendo, shame. GIANT SHAME. One day you shall suffer for the hurt you have inflicted, one day
July 9th, 2009 on 12:40 pm
Actually a game called ‘Cooking Mama 2′ and ‘Imagine: babies’ made me suspect that this was a joke. Can this be real? Can it really?
If it is then FUCK ME.
July 9th, 2009 on 12:41 pm
That’s ‘fuck me’ as in the proverbial exclamation of dismay, not ‘fuck me as in earnest solicitation for sexual fulfilment.
July 9th, 2009 on 12:42 pm
A free magazine for girls, that’s probably given away with the Nintendo magazine that’s mostly bought by boys. How someone thought this was a good idea I don’t know.
July 9th, 2009 on 12:55 pm
Thing is, most girls who take games seriously dress a bit like goths and read the same gaming magazines as men (this is pure speculation of course).
So they should probably have called this magazine “Games your fanny will like” instead.
July 9th, 2009 on 12:59 pm
I’d imagine ONM does this to keep Nintendo UK happy, while Nintendo UK contributes the “bank” to make it happen. It ticks management’s boxes about pretending to appeal to new demographics, while the actual readers just wish they’d hurry up and release another Zelda with some novelty motion-based mini games that barely work.
July 9th, 2009 on 3:27 pm
GonutsMcDie – from what I’ve seen, most girls who ‘take games seriously’ (i.e. the ones I’ve seen working in gamestation) look more like:
http://www.ukresistance.co.uk/2009/04/for-every-positive.html
And while I’m rummaging through all the old stuff, when are we going to get more classic ‘Gonzo’ style reporting from you eh Zorg? Was the great xbox360 xmas shopping trip (failure) of 2005 too much?
July 9th, 2009 on 3:41 pm
I’ve always liked the trip to Gamesmaster in Peckham. Classic!
http://www.ukresistance.co.uk/2005/07/gamesmaster-returns.html
July 9th, 2009 on 4:22 pm
I’m looking forward to their game hints. Such as:
Avoid getting hit by enemies. – New Super Mario Brothers
Use the stylus to cook things. -Cooking Mama 2
Your DS can also double as an emergency makeup mirror! -DS tips
July 9th, 2009 on 4:29 pm
Who runs the letters pages in Girl Gamer? CVG and Mean Machines used to have the Angry Yob. Does Girl Gamer have the Menstruating Miss?
July 9th, 2009 on 4:44 pm
The reply to each letter should start “Oh, Jesus, look, I’ve already TOLD YOU how to do this bit three times already”
July 9th, 2009 on 5:22 pm
Wake me up when there’s a “Tranny Gamer” mag.
July 9th, 2009 on 9:49 pm
I note that Zorg hasn’t posted the other fun picture I sent him in the email (3 days ago) that contained the link to this. Or credited me with the find. Lovely.
(the image was from here:
http://assets.gearlive.com/playfeed/blogimages/girlgamer_magazine.jpg)
July 9th, 2009 on 10:58 pm
I found this game review for Madworld in that magazine:
Jack Cayman (Steven Blum) stars in this romantic comedy set in the busy streets of Varrigan City. He plays a ditsy assassin trying to land his dream job in the big city Deathwatch games. Add into the mix his on/off relationship with the presidents daughter and tension between co-workers sets this hilarious game up as one of the summers essential titles. A must play for sex and the city fans!
****
I think they missed the point :(
July 9th, 2009 on 11:18 pm
Oh dear. The 2600 photo was all drafted up and ready to go, under the predictable traffic-baiting headline of “Two girls, one Atari 2600 controller”.
Three days is nothing, Three days is fast-track, VIP, personal service. I’ve used stuff that’s been sitting in folders for YEARS before now.
July 9th, 2009 on 11:18 pm
Have you seen Official Nintendo’s review of Wii Sports Resort this month? It sure provided the laughs in the office yesterday. Every other sentence is ‘The controls work really well’. Fucking useless cunt of a reviewer.
July 10th, 2009 on 12:27 am
I tried looking for the review on their website.
Unlike proper print magazines which publish their content online, ONM comes out with some “BUY THE MAGAZINE BUY THE GAME BUY THE MAGAZINE BUY THE GAME BUY THE MAGAZINE BUY THE GAME” etc shit.
http://www.officialnintendomagazine.co.uk/article.php?id=9735
*shudder*
July 10th, 2009 on 11:26 am
From that ONM webiste link above:
“Once you’ve finished reading all that, you can go outside and try out our great free gift?”
Something about that question mark makes the sentence incredibly fun.
July 10th, 2009 on 12:19 pm
I’m confused – are people saying there are more pages to the magazine than just the one above? I thought it’d just be that page and blank on the back.
Oh. I get it. There’s 700 pages of adverts for shoes, pot pourri and handbags which are 1/3rd the size of you (this season) or the size of a Higg’s boson (next season). and maybe an article in which you have to answer a,b, or c to questions like this:
When you get home from a busy day at work do you like:
a) A glass of Sauvignon Blanc and a bubble bath with some Kenny G playing
b) Learning to cook from your DS
c) Having another go at shooting Wesker in the face with the fully upgraded S&W Magnum 500 to collect the Heart of Africa for 10k sweet sweet cash
If you answered:
All a – you’re practically Carrie Bradshaw, you go girl!
All b – you may be a girl, but there might be some doubt, eg large % of skin tattoo’d, nonstandard hair colour, springs in soles of very high black platform boots and/or side parting hair covering face to prevent accurate gender recognition
All c – checksum error
July 10th, 2009 on 12:21 pm
Note for Weatherbox: I’ve just realised it’s Higgs boson, with no apostrophe. Sorry mate, won’t happen again.
July 10th, 2009 on 1:24 pm
I reckon Weatherbox would probly prefer the controversial (not to mention misleading) term ‘The God Particle’. Seems more his style?
July 10th, 2009 on 3:19 pm
This is insulting against us.